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Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Shadows"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
31 total reviews
Comment from kahpot
Hooray, at last, I am at the beginning, and now understand Eu El's fascination with comic books El (Superman), I love the way you have used channel changer instead of remote, see I never knew he was the second born, your description of Eu Els determination for attention is brilliant (bucket list) well now I am truly hooked so it might take some time to get back to you as I have some very good reading to get through****kahpot
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Hooray, at last, I am at the beginning, and now understand Eu El's fascination with comic books El (Superman), I love the way you have used channel changer instead of remote, see I never knew he was the second born, your description of Eu Els determination for attention is brilliant (bucket list) well now I am truly hooked so it might take some time to get back to you as I have some very good reading to get through****kahpot
Comment Written 20-Aug-2018
Comment from Joan E.
I remember admiring your poetry in the past and am pleased to be introduced to your fictional, prose work. I particularly liked your reference to Eu El's name, which made me more curious about its derivation and his list of questions for his father and your "candle" simile. I was surprised that he departed from his scripted questions, and finally got the mystical answer about his grandfather. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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I remember admiring your poetry in the past and am pleased to be introduced to your fictional, prose work. I particularly liked your reference to Eu El's name, which made me more curious about its derivation and his list of questions for his father and your "candle" simile. I was surprised that he departed from his scripted questions, and finally got the mystical answer about his grandfather. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Again, I appreciate your time to review my chapter. It made my day :)
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
If, however, there were to be any teen capable of competing with the supernatural, then fate could not have chosen a more suitable candidate than Eu El, a boy with a name his father unintentionally gave him without considering the consequences of his son explaining his name to curious people throughout a lifetime. Coincidently, this name is similar to a fictional super hero, whose "El" stood for hope in a faraway planet destroyed by a solar explosion. ' I loved this my sort of write I could relate, very clever and skillfully write well done kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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If, however, there were to be any teen capable of competing with the supernatural, then fate could not have chosen a more suitable candidate than Eu El, a boy with a name his father unintentionally gave him without considering the consequences of his son explaining his name to curious people throughout a lifetime. Coincidently, this name is similar to a fictional super hero, whose "El" stood for hope in a faraway planet destroyed by a solar explosion. ' I loved this my sort of write I could relate, very clever and skillfully write well done kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
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Thank you. Your review truly made my day :)
Comment from LaFrance
Your plot is intriguing and caught my interest. I enjoyed the dialogue between father and son. It reminded me of my father and me talks. I am curious why you switch from father and dad?
I going to read the other chapter.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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Your plot is intriguing and caught my interest. I enjoyed the dialogue between father and son. It reminded me of my father and me talks. I am curious why you switch from father and dad?
I going to read the other chapter.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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Hi! Thank you for your kind and engaging review. I switch between ?father? and ?dad? to provide the reader with somewhat of a variety in the story. Also, it adds both the respect as well as the colloquial relationship between father an son that actually existed.
Comment from estory
This was a spooky sort of tale, kind of poignant too, with all the references to an ignored kid, trying to make a connection with his father. The broken dialogue between father and son was for me, the heart of this story. The beginning seemed to jump around a bit, in time and space, in relationships, and I think it could benefit from a good edit to give it focus and a more linear read. Here and there were strewn gemstones of images: "The father shuts the television off as effortlessly as a blind man reads brail" "Why did you break all of mom's plants?' those were a couple. in other places the images seemed convoluted and hard to define. Interesting, poignant, surreal, is how I would describe it estory
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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This was a spooky sort of tale, kind of poignant too, with all the references to an ignored kid, trying to make a connection with his father. The broken dialogue between father and son was for me, the heart of this story. The beginning seemed to jump around a bit, in time and space, in relationships, and I think it could benefit from a good edit to give it focus and a more linear read. Here and there were strewn gemstones of images: "The father shuts the television off as effortlessly as a blind man reads brail" "Why did you break all of mom's plants?' those were a couple. in other places the images seemed convoluted and hard to define. Interesting, poignant, surreal, is how I would describe it estory
Comment Written 11-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
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Thank you, estory for your kind review. The beginning of the story (with the two pop songs) was purposely placed to set the tone of what will occur in later chapters. A lost boy and a mysterious girl. Hopefully, that keeps the story from jumping around. Thank you again.
Comment from heart of Lou
Very good portrayal of a boy who can't get the attention of his dad because he's glued to the tv. I'm glad he at last answered a few questions which his son asked, and so weird it is how the trucks rolled back to him.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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Very good portrayal of a boy who can't get the attention of his dad because he's glued to the tv. I'm glad he at last answered a few questions which his son asked, and so weird it is how the trucks rolled back to him.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Your rating and comments are greatly appreciated. I hope you can read onto the next chapter. Thank you again!
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, it's an interesting start to a story and it held my interest throughout. It needs a bit of polishing though. What I found was: Eu El could not see why his father had to world so hard for paying the monthly cable subscription. = .... had to work so hard for paying ...
"You have wouldn't remember this," = "You wouldn't remember this,"
All the best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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Hi there, it's an interesting start to a story and it held my interest throughout. It needs a bit of polishing though. What I found was: Eu El could not see why his father had to world so hard for paying the monthly cable subscription. = .... had to work so hard for paying ...
"You have wouldn't remember this," = "You wouldn't remember this,"
All the best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Your honest and detailed attention is exactly what I need to up this story's appeal. Thank you! I work full time and, when I'm writing, my mind tends to wander in exhaustion. Sometimes, I'm writing half awake. But, this story drives me. I appreciate your kind rating and comments. I hope you can read my next chapter as well thank you!
Comment from Shanbreen
You have a very interesting story line, but it needs a lot of polishing to make it read well. Punctuations and grammar can be one thing, but it also seems too wordy.
For example:
Too young to understand, Eu El was not able to calculate how the long hours of overtime his father put in was allotting for more than just a monthly cable box subscription. The extra money became a means to fulfill the dreams of his immigrant relatives before his own.
Couldn't this be said clearly like:
Too young to understand, Eu EL couldn't understand why his father had to work so hard for paying the monthly cable box subscription. He didn't know that the extra money was needed to fulfill the dreams of his immigrant family.
Also, "before his own" seems like a tag-on for something that is not clear -- before Eu El?... before his father?
Also,
You were too young to speak, but, when I saw you, you were babbling with someone who wasn't there."
Do you need a comma after "but"?
If you go through, you'll find various such instances. You have a great story, but it needs to move at a faster pace.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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You have a very interesting story line, but it needs a lot of polishing to make it read well. Punctuations and grammar can be one thing, but it also seems too wordy.
For example:
Too young to understand, Eu El was not able to calculate how the long hours of overtime his father put in was allotting for more than just a monthly cable box subscription. The extra money became a means to fulfill the dreams of his immigrant relatives before his own.
Couldn't this be said clearly like:
Too young to understand, Eu EL couldn't understand why his father had to work so hard for paying the monthly cable box subscription. He didn't know that the extra money was needed to fulfill the dreams of his immigrant family.
Also, "before his own" seems like a tag-on for something that is not clear -- before Eu El?... before his father?
Also,
You were too young to speak, but, when I saw you, you were babbling with someone who wasn't there."
Do you need a comma after "but"?
If you go through, you'll find various such instances. You have a great story, but it needs to move at a faster pace.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Your honest and detailed attention is exactly what I need to up this story's appeal. Thank you! I work full time and, when I'm writing, my mind tends to wander in exhaustion. Sometimes, I'm writing half awake. But, this story drives me. I appreciate your kind rating and comments. I hope you can read my next chapter as well thank you!
Comment from Raul1
Exceptional story! I was reading through the whole part of the story. You say that he is a shape shifter I think. He stutters a lot when he talks to his dad and watches TV. Interesting story! No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2018
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Exceptional story! I was reading through the whole part of the story. You say that he is a shape shifter I think. He stutters a lot when he talks to his dad and watches TV. Interesting story! No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2018
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Thank you! Your rating is greatly appreciated. Hope you take time to read more chapters as the story grows a little darker. Thank you again!
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You're welcome
Comment from robyn corum
Dear friend,
I think this is the first of this story I have read. I wasn't able to get too far into it. My granddaughter is here and I have to put her to bed -- so sorry I didn't get to finish this whole piece!!
I did see some places you may want to recheck:
1.) He was (a) WHAM! fan, but this memory of two song titles
2.) but content life in which he could never (have) guess(ed) that, quite possibly
3.) This event would either conclude as either the end of days
--> 'either'x2
4.) Eu El's own existence: both went unnoticed until h(a)d completed
5.) advanced technology may (have) convinced his father he never had a
6.) "Eu El! Go to sleep!" his mother, again on (cue), interrupts
Hope this still might help a little.
Thank you!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2018
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Dear friend,
I think this is the first of this story I have read. I wasn't able to get too far into it. My granddaughter is here and I have to put her to bed -- so sorry I didn't get to finish this whole piece!!
I did see some places you may want to recheck:
1.) He was (a) WHAM! fan, but this memory of two song titles
2.) but content life in which he could never (have) guess(ed) that, quite possibly
3.) This event would either conclude as either the end of days
--> 'either'x2
4.) Eu El's own existence: both went unnoticed until h(a)d completed
5.) advanced technology may (have) convinced his father he never had a
6.) "Eu El! Go to sleep!" his mother, again on (cue), interrupts
Hope this still might help a little.
Thank you!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2018
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Hi! Thank you for the grammar assist. I wrote a majority of this half asleep. Hence, why there were obvious grammar errors. Thank you for taking the time to review. I found it quite helpful and hope you take time to read more. Thank you!
