Race War
Chapter one: Jerome33 total reviews
Comment from Carole Rosa
Lance, FANTASTIC. This is a great half story and I hope after this contest is over that you will finish it, so those of us who care, would like to hear 'the rest of the story'. It's an excellent piece of work. I hope you win the contest. Carole
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Lance, FANTASTIC. This is a great half story and I hope after this contest is over that you will finish it, so those of us who care, would like to hear 'the rest of the story'. It's an excellent piece of work. I hope you win the contest. Carole
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I like the way this is written and would like to follow the rest of the story. I think you have much to teach us. I felt the tension with Jerome... It builds very noticeably, Giddy
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I like the way this is written and would like to follow the rest of the story. I think you have much to teach us. I felt the tension with Jerome... It builds very noticeably, Giddy
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
Comment from DSMalott
This short feature was very good.
It was so very well self contained that I only fleetingly wondered what would come next. But that didn't stop me from giving a 5.
Well done.
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This short feature was very good.
It was so very well self contained that I only fleetingly wondered what would come next. But that didn't stop me from giving a 5.
Well done.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
Comment from giovannimariatommaso
A well written step by step story first bringing us into collusion with the character of Jerome & engulfing us in his passions & ideals as he is confronted by his own family, so to speak, but the meaner side of it, the freeloading side of it, the covetous side of it, & as he is willing to stand up for himself, a blessing of age & wisdom lends a hand pointing out to those who would do him harm out of ignorance & fear that Jerome has accomplished much not only for himself but for them also. We found the story exciting & suspenseful keeping us in anticipation for seeking & wanting more.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2014
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A well written step by step story first bringing us into collusion with the character of Jerome & engulfing us in his passions & ideals as he is confronted by his own family, so to speak, but the meaner side of it, the freeloading side of it, the covetous side of it, & as he is willing to stand up for himself, a blessing of age & wisdom lends a hand pointing out to those who would do him harm out of ignorance & fear that Jerome has accomplished much not only for himself but for them also. We found the story exciting & suspenseful keeping us in anticipation for seeking & wanting more.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2014
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Thank you very much.
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Comment from faragon
Very nice story and a little frightening. This is something that could truly happen. I like the conversational flow...it works well.
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Very nice story and a little frightening. This is something that could truly happen. I like the conversational flow...it works well.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2014
Comment from onebrit
Living on the outskirts of Chicago, knowing how many gang murders and senseless killings there are daily, the beginning of this story sent my stomach into knots....I was just waiting for the routine beating to begin, and then it didnt.....something very clever happened. Love the way you wrote this, and yes I want to know what came next!
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Living on the outskirts of Chicago, knowing how many gang murders and senseless killings there are daily, the beginning of this story sent my stomach into knots....I was just waiting for the routine beating to begin, and then it didnt.....something very clever happened. Love the way you wrote this, and yes I want to know what came next!
Comment Written 15-Sep-2014
Comment from boxergirl
Great job with your what comes next contest entry. The beginning grabs our attention from the beginning and the tension builds up. The twist of having them beating up the smart brother was realistic. I enjoyed this.
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Great job with your what comes next contest entry. The beginning grabs our attention from the beginning and the tension builds up. The twist of having them beating up the smart brother was realistic. I enjoyed this.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from dreamin'
Excellent story! Your characters, their dialogue and their actions were spot on. I was nervous for Jerome.
You think you're better than us? You do, don't cha?" The larger teen stepped close to Jerome, and spittle flew from his mouth as he towered over the young black teen. "We should fuck your ass up for..."
So typical, this low self-esteem response. The spittle flying was a good (ick) visual!
"Leave him alone." A deep voice of command cut the teen off. Who is this man?
I definitely want to read the rest of it.
Good luck with the contest.
Debbie
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Excellent story! Your characters, their dialogue and their actions were spot on. I was nervous for Jerome.
You think you're better than us? You do, don't cha?" The larger teen stepped close to Jerome, and spittle flew from his mouth as he towered over the young black teen. "We should fuck your ass up for..."
So typical, this low self-esteem response. The spittle flying was a good (ick) visual!
"Leave him alone." A deep voice of command cut the teen off. Who is this man?
I definitely want to read the rest of it.
Good luck with the contest.
Debbie
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from adewpearl
An excellent opening for this contest because you absolutely have me wondering what happens to this young man next.
You struck a chord with me because as a middle school writing teacher, I more than once came across this attitude, that for an African American kid to win an athletic competition was a big deal, but for another black kid to get a stellar report card or to win a spelling bee, that was reason to get upset with him. Are you trying to act white? I heard that said in an accusatory manner and for the life of me couldn't figure out how things go so twisted that being an academic success made a kid a target of suspicion and ridicule. You handle that situation so well here, and now you really have me wondering what happens when he moves away. Brooke
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An excellent opening for this contest because you absolutely have me wondering what happens to this young man next.
You struck a chord with me because as a middle school writing teacher, I more than once came across this attitude, that for an African American kid to win an athletic competition was a big deal, but for another black kid to get a stellar report card or to win a spelling bee, that was reason to get upset with him. Are you trying to act white? I heard that said in an accusatory manner and for the life of me couldn't figure out how things go so twisted that being an academic success made a kid a target of suspicion and ridicule. You handle that situation so well here, and now you really have me wondering what happens when he moves away. Brooke
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is really an exciting read and I found myself really wanting to know what the rest of the story was. The older man was quite right in his observation that the smart brothers would be needed and lucky for Jerome he was there to save him. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
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This is really an exciting read and I found myself really wanting to know what the rest of the story was. The older man was quite right in his observation that the smart brothers would be needed and lucky for Jerome he was there to save him. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
