Sins of My Father
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Green Sweaters"A coming of age story.
11 total reviews
Comment from The Death
Hi, Gretchen.
It is an interesting chapter where you narrate Rory's growing concern about his physical appearance.
This is the first chapter I am reading from this series, but it is to sketch the characters in mind because of the vivid details you have provided.
Notes:
You know(,) the kind that do every bad and illegal thing possible, yet they still end up with the girl.
Even his name sounds cool. Dean. It sounds (f)lawless. Say it and what comes to mind? Attitude and swagger.
Say my name. Rory. What comes to mind? Tall, goofy, and bug(-)eyed.
I got Kathleen's eyes(--)big and green. What works on a woman, doesn't always transfer to a guy.
These lines can be well-voiced:
People in school tease me about my eyes. That and my hair which is wavy and looks like it's highlighted.
Consider re-phrasing:
People in school tease me about my eyes(,) and my hair which is wavy and seem to be highlighted.
Guess what Rory means? Red(-)haired man.
I'm six(-)foot tall, still growing, as far as I can tell. Can't get my weight to catch up to my height yet(,) have bouncy hair and eyes that look like they belong on traffic lights.
I was going to try out last year(,) but Taylor made me doubt myself so I chickened out after the first day of tryouts.
Monday morning(,) I see Cassie Willows and her flock of followers, in the hall at school.
Cassie is (a) part of the elite level in the dog(-)eat(-)dog world of high school.
Rory is like normal teenager, having a feel of inferiority complex and finds himself struggling amid the showoffs at school.
It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Regards,
Anupam
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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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Hi, Gretchen.
It is an interesting chapter where you narrate Rory's growing concern about his physical appearance.
This is the first chapter I am reading from this series, but it is to sketch the characters in mind because of the vivid details you have provided.
Notes:
You know(,) the kind that do every bad and illegal thing possible, yet they still end up with the girl.
Even his name sounds cool. Dean. It sounds (f)lawless. Say it and what comes to mind? Attitude and swagger.
Say my name. Rory. What comes to mind? Tall, goofy, and bug(-)eyed.
I got Kathleen's eyes(--)big and green. What works on a woman, doesn't always transfer to a guy.
These lines can be well-voiced:
People in school tease me about my eyes. That and my hair which is wavy and looks like it's highlighted.
Consider re-phrasing:
People in school tease me about my eyes(,) and my hair which is wavy and seem to be highlighted.
Guess what Rory means? Red(-)haired man.
I'm six(-)foot tall, still growing, as far as I can tell. Can't get my weight to catch up to my height yet(,) have bouncy hair and eyes that look like they belong on traffic lights.
I was going to try out last year(,) but Taylor made me doubt myself so I chickened out after the first day of tryouts.
Monday morning(,) I see Cassie Willows and her flock of followers, in the hall at school.
Cassie is (a) part of the elite level in the dog(-)eat(-)dog world of high school.
Rory is like normal teenager, having a feel of inferiority complex and finds himself struggling amid the showoffs at school.
It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Regards,
Anupam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for the detailed and extremely helpful review. I thank you for taking the time to be specific in this. I knew a few sentences and paragraphs were a bit off so I appreciate the help. Gretchen
