Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Great chapter Barbara...I love the....excuse me, da pie........
I love the ending....I like the dialog. It is believable and it anchors the fantasy of the ghost in a true setting which is well done
God bless

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.

Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

Hi Barbara.

I think that first out could be tossed as I thought it a bit repetitive.

"... Amos took his well-worn pocket knife [out] and cleaned out his corncob pipe."

also in that sentence "Dey pretended we were [was] slaves, but ..."

My mother grew up on an Alabama plantation and in the deep south the blacks of this time spoke not in plural English but in singular even when speaking about many. Either way is certainly correct for your story but, it sounded funny because I know this dialect well.

"white people" [white folks] same situation.

[was helpin] same thing again.

studied the men [man] wasn't sure who the "men" were ...

Charming write and so well done. I'm only offering a perspective. Hope it helps. Either way you have a wonderful story telling ability.

cheers xoxo Kiwi

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2014

I have made the changes. I need all the help I can get. I appreciate the time it took to help me get it right.

reply by kiwigirl2821 on 25-Jan-2014

I appreciate that you could use any of my suggestions. IMHO, I still believe it reads with more impact if you consider that first line...

"...Amos took his well worn pocket knife and cleaned out his corncob pipe."

your way,

" ... Amos took out his well worn pocket knife and cleaned his corncob pipe."

it's a small thing Barbara. however, to me when you use the out in the manner you have using "out" first, you place emphasis on the act of taking out a knife and then using it.

If you use the "out" in the second part of that sentence then IMHO it lays more mystery on where did the knife come from, and even though Amos still used that knife to clean out his corncob pipe, it added a little drama to your character Amos, leaving him a bit more open to interpretation, maybe for later in your story or something.

This is why I don't often do these kinds of critiques because either way is correct. More about emphasis I think.

Have a wonderful day Barbara. xxoo deborah

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

Super. I'm ready for Amos to tell whatever it is he knows. It seems that these two fellows know quite a lot about the history between these two families and about the ghost or Bradley Bookman.

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.

Comment from Nosha17

Excellent

I haven't read any of this story before but it reads really well and has great, lively dialogue. The characters are likeable and I really enjoyed it. Faye

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review.

Comment from Tonulak

Excellent

Hi Barb,
You made me think of the homemade peach pie my friend's wife who was from Kansas used to make...I liked the dialogue and the setting of the diner and the confirmation of the ghost. Very nice chapter--Teda

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.

Comment from CowboyToo

Excellent

The dialogue moves the story along nicely. We feel a part of the story quickly. This is the way a good story should go. Well done.

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review.

Comment from evrenios

Excellent

This is actually quite easy to follow (this is my first read of your work). I like the way you have kept all four characters clearly outlined in the 4-way conversation. This is diffieicut to do with more than two speakers, and you have my admiration. The dialect is quite good - again another difficult aspect of writing you have chosen to deal with. What I liked is your using only a bit of dialect - but it transmits the character and gives him an identity and voice which is singular. Too often a writer goes to far and then the dialect becomes something we have to wade through and it stops the train of thought. You have not done this and it works very well.

There is one spot I would suggest you checking to see what you think:

. Cash glanced around the diner (I would suggest leaving out "the diner" here as it is repetitive.). Ha! not much correction. You have done a great job in this piece of dialogue. I look forward to more of your writing.

Elizabeth

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review.

Comment from MM lives on :)

Excellent

Hello writer, you have made my senses now crave some of that delicious Georgia Peach pie...I love Savannah and the food and haunts there...this took me back...your dialogue is excellent and the characters believable...great story!

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review. I vacationed in Savannah and loved it.

Comment from AprilShower

Excellent

I bet if we could read all four parts, this would be a lot more interesting. Divided like takes away from the story line. Guess the only way to read a whole chapter is to buy the book or get it from a library when it is published.

What's here seems well written, Barbara.

April

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.

Comment from sweetwoodjax

Excellent

this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where amos is nala's uncle and he brings up the history of the plantation and the ghost.

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2014

Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.