Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Truth Sometimes Hurts"A Boy's Story of the rural South
35 total reviews
Comment from Otto Loewi
It's a good thing his grandfather didn't have a ray gun in the drawer. Rabbit could've done a lot more damage after watching Flash Gordon (Ha!). Nice work.
Consider changing "awhile" to "a while". "Awhile" is an adverb meaning "for a short time." "Awhile" by itself is not a measure of time. A "while" is.
I liked this chapter. Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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It's a good thing his grandfather didn't have a ray gun in the drawer. Rabbit could've done a lot more damage after watching Flash Gordon (Ha!). Nice work.
Consider changing "awhile" to "a while". "Awhile" is an adverb meaning "for a short time." "Awhile" by itself is not a measure of time. A "while" is.
I liked this chapter. Well done.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and for the suggestion. I'll circle back and take a look. Bill
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very entertaining story. I'll have to follow this one... love the premise of a young boy and the old man, Virge. Lots of room here for adventures. :)
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Very entertaining story. I'll have to follow this one... love the premise of a young boy and the old man, Virge. Lots of room here for adventures. :)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Phyllis. More adventures to come! Bill
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh please tell me I haven't missed any of this charming story! What a fabulous chapter - full of delightful detail and told in a charming narrative voice. The dialogue is so real, and your characters so authentic. The pace is marvelous; even with so much description you place me right in the scene, it never bogs down. It's full of fun 'plot action' and involves your reader right from the start. A wonderful story!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Oh please tell me I haven't missed any of this charming story! What a fabulous chapter - full of delightful detail and told in a charming narrative voice. The dialogue is so real, and your characters so authentic. The pace is marvelous; even with so much description you place me right in the scene, it never bogs down. It's full of fun 'plot action' and involves your reader right from the start. A wonderful story!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading. I hope you get an opportunity to circle back to the first two chapters. Chapter one in particular gives more background and is pretty short. Regards, Bill
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Bill,
Went through some similar phases in my own 'youff' - and I remember discovering 'rubbers' in a similar fashion. Lucky for you the damage was a mirror and not you. My left index finger is disfigured by having been partly shot away when I pulled a similar stunt ...
Funny, witty, and enjoyable reminder of our youthful pleasures and misdemeanors.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Hi Bill,
Went through some similar phases in my own 'youff' - and I remember discovering 'rubbers' in a similar fashion. Lucky for you the damage was a mirror and not you. My left index finger is disfigured by having been partly shot away when I pulled a similar stunt ...
Funny, witty, and enjoyable reminder of our youthful pleasures and misdemeanors.
Patrick
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Patrick. I have had a little fun on this one. Bill
Comment from Matthew M.
I enjoyed this little piece of Americana. I felt sent back to a past generation.
It was funny and cute.
Here are some edits, comments and suggestions that I made while I was reading:
The only negative of this was they didn't really want to leave me by myself. They'd go by and pick up my cousin Wesley for the two of us to go. Wesley was ten years old.
These sentences felt a little awkward and slow. I would suggest:
The only negative was they didn't want to leave me by myself, so they would pick up my ten year old cousin, Wesley.
but one where his hair, in a two inch strip up front was combed up and set with Brylcreem.
I think this would read a little better if it was something like:
but one where he had a two inch strip of hair combed up and set with Brylcreem.
One look at him and you would know he must be riding rather than walking.
I didn't get this reference. Is he bow-legged? I think you might need a little more description to explain that.
I am not familiar with the word nigras, is that Negroes?
I am so glad that we as a society are over segregation. It didn't make sense that whites and blacks couldn't sit together.
Wow, Trojans!
Oh no the gun was loaded. Times have sure changed. The laws now are so strict about those kind of things now.
Overall, I enjoyed this story.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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I enjoyed this little piece of Americana. I felt sent back to a past generation.
It was funny and cute.
Here are some edits, comments and suggestions that I made while I was reading:
The only negative of this was they didn't really want to leave me by myself. They'd go by and pick up my cousin Wesley for the two of us to go. Wesley was ten years old.
These sentences felt a little awkward and slow. I would suggest:
The only negative was they didn't want to leave me by myself, so they would pick up my ten year old cousin, Wesley.
but one where his hair, in a two inch strip up front was combed up and set with Brylcreem.
I think this would read a little better if it was something like:
but one where he had a two inch strip of hair combed up and set with Brylcreem.
One look at him and you would know he must be riding rather than walking.
I didn't get this reference. Is he bow-legged? I think you might need a little more description to explain that.
I am not familiar with the word nigras, is that Negroes?
I am so glad that we as a society are over segregation. It didn't make sense that whites and blacks couldn't sit together.
Wow, Trojans!
Oh no the gun was loaded. Times have sure changed. The laws now are so strict about those kind of things now.
Overall, I enjoyed this story.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Hi Matthew - thanks for reading and your suggestions. I'll circle back and take a look. Nigras is a collocial version of Negroes. In the rural south, it was thought to be more appropriate than the more offensive "N" word. Regards, Bill
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
Hi there,
This has a gentle nostalgic feel that reeks of authenticity.
You've clearly researched the period, and it allows the reader to believe everything you say.
A nice journey up a garden path to join Rabbit on his adventure. The voice of Rabbit is pitched just right.
Good job.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Hi there,
This has a gentle nostalgic feel that reeks of authenticity.
You've clearly researched the period, and it allows the reader to believe everything you say.
A nice journey up a garden path to join Rabbit on his adventure. The voice of Rabbit is pitched just right.
Good job.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your comments. This is written as fiction, but I should be comfortable with Rabbit, as most is true!
Comment from Deniz22
Rabbit seems pretty normal. Nice story about growing up before the world went crazy. It seems to be set in the 40-50's and has a wonderful small town feel about it. Very enjoyable!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Rabbit seems pretty normal. Nice story about growing up before the world went crazy. It seems to be set in the 40-50's and has a wonderful small town feel about it. Very enjoyable!
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading. It's always difficult to write a chapter as a stand alone. In an earlier chapter, it was revealed as 1957. I'm glad you enjoyed. Bill
Comment from jjstar
Second Read
I reread and am adjusting your rating. You still need a comma for the extra info about the hair..I trust you'll fix it...lol:)Nice job!
in a two inch strip ,(insert comma)
I'm never too tired to go fishing.====tense change...consider: I was never too tired...
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What a cool story. I remember sitting around with my grandpa hearing stories sort of like this. I love the recollections of the prices of hot dogs, soda, popcorn, etc. We used to go to movies for fifty cents, and pop used to be a quarter. Those were the good ole days.
Loved the fact that you put in the historic fact about segregation. I'll be following this story. Great job!
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where his hair,(insert comma) in a two inch strip up front,(insert comma)
nigra's to sit down===no apostrophe for plural..
drop us off downtown and give me two dollars.====a little awkward with the us and me in the same sentence. Might want to revise to use the same pronoun..or maybe better to say something like: They would drop us downtown. They gave me two dollars, but Wesley always had money of his own.
Right now we were into Flash Gordon.===the right now is a little awkward===kind of messes up the past tense. Maybe you could say: At the time..
about 'rubbers',===comma needs to go inside the quote marks.
I pictured inner-tube black rubber that had to be strapped on. ===TOO FUNNY!
but I didn't have even a bad ===think I'd take out the extra I...just say but didn't..
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Second Read
I reread and am adjusting your rating. You still need a comma for the extra info about the hair..I trust you'll fix it...lol:)Nice job!
in a two inch strip ,(insert comma)
I'm never too tired to go fishing.====tense change...consider: I was never too tired...
************************************************************
What a cool story. I remember sitting around with my grandpa hearing stories sort of like this. I love the recollections of the prices of hot dogs, soda, popcorn, etc. We used to go to movies for fifty cents, and pop used to be a quarter. Those were the good ole days.
Loved the fact that you put in the historic fact about segregation. I'll be following this story. Great job!
*********************************************************
where his hair,(insert comma) in a two inch strip up front,(insert comma)
nigra's to sit down===no apostrophe for plural..
drop us off downtown and give me two dollars.====a little awkward with the us and me in the same sentence. Might want to revise to use the same pronoun..or maybe better to say something like: They would drop us downtown. They gave me two dollars, but Wesley always had money of his own.
Right now we were into Flash Gordon.===the right now is a little awkward===kind of messes up the past tense. Maybe you could say: At the time..
about 'rubbers',===comma needs to go inside the quote marks.
I pictured inner-tube black rubber that had to be strapped on. ===TOO FUNNY!
but I didn't have even a bad ===think I'd take out the extra I...just say but didn't..
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your suggestions. I made all the minor adjustments. I don't know if that's enough for you to up your rating. In any event, I very much appreciate the feedback. Regards, Bill
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Thanks for revisiting. I do appreciate it!
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my pleasure :)
Comment from Selina Stambi
I read your previous posting and enjoyed this chapter all the more for having done so.
Glad to meet cousin Wesley today!
I'm curious to know if all or part of this writing is autobiograhpical. Love the bit about the condoms ... they must have been relatively young grandparents!
A great read - such a nostalgic carefree summer feel to it.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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I read your previous posting and enjoyed this chapter all the more for having done so.
Glad to meet cousin Wesley today!
I'm curious to know if all or part of this writing is autobiograhpical. Love the bit about the condoms ... they must have been relatively young grandparents!
A great read - such a nostalgic carefree summer feel to it.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks for following. I can tell you that most of this is true, but I've killed a lot of brain cells in the last 55 years so thought it safer to write as fiction. Do you mean to tell me that those condoms belonged to my grandparents? Bill
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Don't know - tell me - how young were your grandparents???
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I thought they were ancient, but actually only in their 50's. That seems awfully young to me now. Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was great. I liked the inquisitive nature of Rabbit. He's bound to get into trouble. Varied characters that help keep them distinct. It is a very authentic and nostalgic feel. Nice job.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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This was great. I liked the inquisitive nature of Rabbit. He's bound to get into trouble. Varied characters that help keep them distinct. It is a very authentic and nostalgic feel. Nice job.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your kind feedback. I'll post the next chapter in a few days. Regards, Bill
