The Glass Cat Eye
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge of Good and Evil"Talking to the dead has its consequences
19 total reviews
Comment from Chuck23
I've been following your story. This is an interesting chapter in the book. I look forward to reading more.
About mid way through, I thought you meant lamp, and wanted to bring it to your attention.
"Steven rose and clicked on the lamb next to the sofa where he lay."
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
  |
I've been following your story. This is an interesting chapter in the book. I look forward to reading more.
About mid way through, I thought you meant lamp, and wanted to bring it to your attention.
"Steven rose and clicked on the lamb next to the sofa where he lay."
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
lol Thanks; I didn't even notice the typo. It is lamp. Thanks for the high stars and keen eye.
Comment from Gungalo
Oh so now we are going to really see some action, me thinks. With the two of them working together, will they find and save her? Hmmm, let's hope so.
A very well written chapter you with plenty to keep the mind hopping about. Awesome done with the imagery levels too!!!
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
Oh so now we are going to really see some action, me thinks. With the two of them working together, will they find and save her? Hmmm, let's hope so.
A very well written chapter you with plenty to keep the mind hopping about. Awesome done with the imagery levels too!!!
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
Thank you Gungalo. Hang in there with me.
-
I'm here girl, I'm here!!!
Comment from c_lucas
You have done a good job of maintaining the suspense. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
You have done a good job of maintaining the suspense. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
Thank you lucas for your review.
-
You're welcome, Amahra. Charlie
Comment from ulster3
Hello amahra...
This is well written with no errors that I see. The story continues to be intriguing. I'm just wondering about Doc though...hmmm! Is there a possible ulterior motive?
Hugs, Rebecca :)
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
Hello amahra...
This is well written with no errors that I see. The story continues to be intriguing. I'm just wondering about Doc though...hmmm! Is there a possible ulterior motive?
Hugs, Rebecca :)
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
This story will change a little, based on the reviews I receive from the readers. Should I make Doc more interesting? I've had a complaint that Steven is being too hardheaded. But if I don't make my characters stubbard or bullheaded, there'd be no reason to get them out of trouble. What do you think. Have I made Steven too bullheaded when it comes to taking Doc's advice?
-
I don't see it that way...especially if there is more to Doc than meets the eye? Maybe Steven feels often cornered by Doc...as when he just shows up. There could be enough resentment building to that to make him seem hardheaded. Does this make any sense? Hugs, Reb
-
Yes it makes sense. I don't think my writing is doing my intent justice. Doc and Steven really do like each other and their feuding is just between two very intelligent minds. I'm glad I posted it here, because I think with a lot of work, I can make this a very good novelett. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I value your input.
-
Hello again amahra...I think it is already excellent, but you know your own work better than I. I'm flattered that you wanted my thoughts. I know that you will do very well with it. Hugs.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a well written chapter the story moves at a swift pace with a good balance of dialogue and narration. I found the blue writing very harsh on the eyes. Maybe a darker shade of blue might help as the shade you have chosen is very bright.
I noticed a couple of other tiny nits you may want to take a look at
["Put the phone down(,) Steve."] - You need a comma before Steve for direct address.
["Well, don't just stand there(,) old man, let's go."] - same here
[ "kick ass" ] - this should be in single quotes as it is not speech
[the two man] - should that be men?
The dialogue is natural sounding and there is some good exchanges of conversation. Sometimes it's a little confusing to know who is speaking the way you have it, but I won't offer any suggestions there as I have seen a lot of American dialogue laid out this way and think it may be a British v American difference as with some of the spellings.
You may want to keep an eye on over use of the words [ was, had, that] they are very passive and involve 'telling' rather than 'showing' quite often they can be safely removed without taking anything from the storyline. ie
[He told Doc he was going to the small town where the girl was murdered to see what he could find out.] - Here you use the word 'was' twice and 48 times in total.
[He told Doc he intended going to the small town where the murder took place to see what he could find out.] - here it's possible to eliminate two of them and sharpen the sentence.
[It could only mean, she thought, that she was being held so far from help, that if she let out an ear piercing scream, no one would come. No one would even hear her. Esther was terrified.] - This is a tense part of the story, but some of the tension is lost due to wordiness.
[It could only mean she was so far from help, if she let out an ear piercing scream no one would come. No one would even hear her.]
(Esther was terrified.)- this part of the sentence is pure tell and weakens the tension. You writing would be a lot stronger if you showed Esters fear ie
[It could only mean she was so far from help, if she let out an ear piercing scream no one would come. No one would even hear her. Beads of perspiration broke out on her brow.] - You'll want to put it in your own words of course, but hopefully you will see what I mean.
hope this helps
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
 |
This is a well written chapter the story moves at a swift pace with a good balance of dialogue and narration. I found the blue writing very harsh on the eyes. Maybe a darker shade of blue might help as the shade you have chosen is very bright.
I noticed a couple of other tiny nits you may want to take a look at
["Put the phone down(,) Steve."] - You need a comma before Steve for direct address.
["Well, don't just stand there(,) old man, let's go."] - same here
[ "kick ass" ] - this should be in single quotes as it is not speech
[the two man] - should that be men?
The dialogue is natural sounding and there is some good exchanges of conversation. Sometimes it's a little confusing to know who is speaking the way you have it, but I won't offer any suggestions there as I have seen a lot of American dialogue laid out this way and think it may be a British v American difference as with some of the spellings.
You may want to keep an eye on over use of the words [ was, had, that] they are very passive and involve 'telling' rather than 'showing' quite often they can be safely removed without taking anything from the storyline. ie
[He told Doc he was going to the small town where the girl was murdered to see what he could find out.] - Here you use the word 'was' twice and 48 times in total.
[He told Doc he intended going to the small town where the murder took place to see what he could find out.] - here it's possible to eliminate two of them and sharpen the sentence.
[It could only mean, she thought, that she was being held so far from help, that if she let out an ear piercing scream, no one would come. No one would even hear her. Esther was terrified.] - This is a tense part of the story, but some of the tension is lost due to wordiness.
[It could only mean she was so far from help, if she let out an ear piercing scream no one would come. No one would even hear her.]
(Esther was terrified.)- this part of the sentence is pure tell and weakens the tension. You writing would be a lot stronger if you showed Esters fear ie
[It could only mean she was so far from help, if she let out an ear piercing scream no one would come. No one would even hear her. Beads of perspiration broke out on her brow.] - You'll want to put it in your own words of course, but hopefully you will see what I mean.
hope this helps
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
Thank you for reviewing and advice.
-
I've done a lot of rewriting and have taken some of my reader's advice including your. Haven't gotten rid of all the passive verbs, but still working on making this a better chapter.
Comment from moyramouse
Well the action has certainly moved up several notches. Esther has been imprisoned by (we assume) the group and Madame Reece. Doc has found out where she could be being held, Stephen seems a bit like a runaway horse, galloping in all directions. He doesn't have a lot of common sense - I know he thinks this is all a load of hokum but he now seems so much younger than his years.If a renowned professor at a university told him to leave this stuff alone, you'd think he would at least have the intelligence to give it some thought. Would Doc 'smirk'? I thought of him as someone who was rather intelligent and who had studied Psychic and Paranormal occurances in depth, someone with a bit of gravitas not a mad professor. I think the latter part of this chapter stretched my imagination somewhat. I did not believe they would just rush off to rescue Esther, particularly as Doc is always warning about the dangers. The police may not have been able to deal with it on their own, but I think they should have informed them for backup and also so somebody would know what happened to Esther if it all went pear-shaped. I found Esther's imprisonment very gripping and her panic was conveyed extremely well. However her conversation with Stephen did not show this as well, would she be excited? I'd be absolutely terrified. This didn't come across to me.
I'm sorry to say that I feel the characters became a little bit like comic book heros than real people in this chapter, perhaps that was your intention. xxmouse
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
Well the action has certainly moved up several notches. Esther has been imprisoned by (we assume) the group and Madame Reece. Doc has found out where she could be being held, Stephen seems a bit like a runaway horse, galloping in all directions. He doesn't have a lot of common sense - I know he thinks this is all a load of hokum but he now seems so much younger than his years.If a renowned professor at a university told him to leave this stuff alone, you'd think he would at least have the intelligence to give it some thought. Would Doc 'smirk'? I thought of him as someone who was rather intelligent and who had studied Psychic and Paranormal occurances in depth, someone with a bit of gravitas not a mad professor. I think the latter part of this chapter stretched my imagination somewhat. I did not believe they would just rush off to rescue Esther, particularly as Doc is always warning about the dangers. The police may not have been able to deal with it on their own, but I think they should have informed them for backup and also so somebody would know what happened to Esther if it all went pear-shaped. I found Esther's imprisonment very gripping and her panic was conveyed extremely well. However her conversation with Stephen did not show this as well, would she be excited? I'd be absolutely terrified. This didn't come across to me.
I'm sorry to say that I feel the characters became a little bit like comic book heros than real people in this chapter, perhaps that was your intention. xxmouse
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
No Esther is in the house and can't be overheard. She can't be so excited that she loses her cool. But maybe I didn't do a good job.
-
I understand excitement to mean showing eagerness for something - I am excited I am going to a party. I wouldn't be excited at being imprisoned - that is what I clumsily tried to get over to you. I think it would be a very strong person who could keep her cool in such a situation. Shut in a dark closet, bound hand and foot - even the recitation of verses would not keep the panic under control. But she is your character and your creation and you can see inside her head far better than I can. xxmouse
-
I've done a lot of rewriting. And took everyone's advice including your. So hopefully its a better chapter, but I'm still working on it.
Comment from Deejharrington
Putting the summary in blue was a great idea. It really helped bringing me up to speed with the story.
This was an action packed chapter. Even though Esther is locked up, she is keeping her head. And now Steven and his father know where to find her. I just hope they are in time.
deb
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
Putting the summary in blue was a great idea. It really helped bringing me up to speed with the story.
This was an action packed chapter. Even though Esther is locked up, she is keeping her head. And now Steven and his father know where to find her. I just hope they are in time.
deb
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
Thank you for reviewing. However, Doc is not Steven's father. But I guess you'd had to have read the previous chapters to know that.
-
Sorry, I wasn't sure.
deb
Comment from MaryMeadid
This was a great line, ""Oh yeah...um...this is about Hellgate doors opening and ...and demons flying through to eat up our children and....I don't give a rat's ass! You got that! I've got to go back and find Esther." You have done a fine job on this chapter. Drew the reader right in and held us captive. i haven't read earlier versions, so I'm not up to speed- yet!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
This was a great line, ""Oh yeah...um...this is about Hellgate doors opening and ...and demons flying through to eat up our children and....I don't give a rat's ass! You got that! I've got to go back and find Esther." You have done a fine job on this chapter. Drew the reader right in and held us captive. i haven't read earlier versions, so I'm not up to speed- yet!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
Thank you for your review. Try to read the others if you have the time.
Comment from glpar
I just started today and haven't read previous chapters, I will return and attempt to read them all at a later time. So far I am intrigued.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
|
I just started today and haven't read previous chapters, I will return and attempt to read them all at a later time. So far I am intrigued.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-May-2011
reply by the author on 02-May-2011
-
When you give three stars, it means work is not good and in keeping with the rules of this site, you have to point out what's wrong and what to do to correct it.
-
I'm sorry your's was my first effort and I will take the time to reread plus read preceding chapters.
