The Phone
100 word piece21 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is cute. I'm sure little kids must be confused by someone talking to an object like a phone. It is typical that they do everything imaginable to get attention and usually in a negative way. Very good.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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This is cute. I'm sure little kids must be confused by someone talking to an object like a phone. It is typical that they do everything imaginable to get attention and usually in a negative way. Very good.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Glad you liked it.I generally based it on my two year old son
Comment from rama devi
This is a good entry for this specific contest. You develop the baby-POV very well. Still, I think this can be improved in a few ways.
1) Clean up spag and formatting typos
2) use line breaks for dramatic pause
3) tighten and trim
I am going to add in line breaks where I think they would be effective and then make spag notes and suggestions (in parenthesis)--After that, I'll note specific words you might trim.
Hope this helps-
Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again !(REMOVE SPACE BEFORE !)
There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it(REMOVE SPACE) , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty(,) to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
I really want to know what that object is? (. not ?)
Mum says it is called a ' phone'(. or ;) What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me(--) and I can't reach it by myself
okay...now for trimming suggestions: Micro fiction requires the use of the least number of words to say what you want to. Tightening and trimming of filler words or already implied words and unnecessary words is optimal
* There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it.
Mum hurries to pick up the black object and talk to it.
*I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. (TRIM "AND")
I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it, she pays no attention to me. I don't like that.
*I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
HAVE TREID--unnecessary passive voicing. using TRY after already having TRIED is redundant.
I tried being very naughty to attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
*Mum says it is called a ' phone' What is a phone?
best to use contractions here:
Mum says it's called a ' phone' What's a phone?
One last suggestion is to consider the language pattern a baby would use. This internal dialog sounds like an adult...too formal. I suggest revising this with 'baby-talk' in mind to make the POV of the main character (a baby) more genuine, authentic and believable. It would also add humor and charm.
While this is a good entry...for micro-fiction and the given assignment, I think it needs a lot of work to shine its fullest potential.
hope you find this helpful adn receive the critique in the spirit offered---not worrying about the rating but rather being encouraged that i felt your entry worth the time it took to review it extensively.
Best wishes,
rama devi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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This is a good entry for this specific contest. You develop the baby-POV very well. Still, I think this can be improved in a few ways.
1) Clean up spag and formatting typos
2) use line breaks for dramatic pause
3) tighten and trim
I am going to add in line breaks where I think they would be effective and then make spag notes and suggestions (in parenthesis)--After that, I'll note specific words you might trim.
Hope this helps-
Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again !(REMOVE SPACE BEFORE !)
There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it(REMOVE SPACE) , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty(,) to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
I really want to know what that object is? (. not ?)
Mum says it is called a ' phone'(. or ;) What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me(--) and I can't reach it by myself
okay...now for trimming suggestions: Micro fiction requires the use of the least number of words to say what you want to. Tightening and trimming of filler words or already implied words and unnecessary words is optimal
* There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it.
Mum hurries to pick up the black object and talk to it.
*I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. (TRIM "AND")
I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it, she pays no attention to me. I don't like that.
*I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
HAVE TREID--unnecessary passive voicing. using TRY after already having TRIED is redundant.
I tried being very naughty to attract her attention but my efforts were in vain.
*Mum says it is called a ' phone' What is a phone?
best to use contractions here:
Mum says it's called a ' phone' What's a phone?
One last suggestion is to consider the language pattern a baby would use. This internal dialog sounds like an adult...too formal. I suggest revising this with 'baby-talk' in mind to make the POV of the main character (a baby) more genuine, authentic and believable. It would also add humor and charm.
While this is a good entry...for micro-fiction and the given assignment, I think it needs a lot of work to shine its fullest potential.
hope you find this helpful adn receive the critique in the spirit offered---not worrying about the rating but rather being encouraged that i felt your entry worth the time it took to review it extensively.
Best wishes,
rama devi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks for your help. Am not really interested in the stars...am here to learn how to improve my craft so a heartfelt thanks for your help. Will keep your suggestion in mind when I edit.
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Thanks for your very nice and gracious response, Bridge! you might find it useful to visit the reviewing forum located under the forum link under the profile tab on top right of page. Lots of like minded members there who value critique rather than silly stars! ;-))
Comment from Mustang Patty
You know, . . .I think my cats think that about the phone, too! In fact, one of them will actually growl if he is all cozy in my lap and the phone rings! Wonderful perspective, and a good read.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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You know, . . .I think my cats think that about the phone, too! In fact, one of them will actually growl if he is all cozy in my lap and the phone rings! Wonderful perspective, and a good read.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Glad you liked it. I generally based it on my two year old son
Comment from markk
Cute story and its true that babies are always interested in the phone aren't they and always wanting to talk into it or hold and play with it. nicely written.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Cute story and its true that babies are always interested in the phone aren't they and always wanting to talk into it or hold and play with it. nicely written.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I generally based it on my two year old son
Comment from Begin Again
Bridge,
Cute story from a baby's perspective on things...I know it is difficult to write a story in so few words..would have been nice to see a little action (such as Watch me undress or rip off my diaper..something to get mom's attention. Great job..
Carol
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Bridge,
Cute story from a baby's perspective on things...I know it is difficult to write a story in so few words..would have been nice to see a little action (such as Watch me undress or rip off my diaper..something to get mom's attention. Great job..
Carol
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks for your helpful suggestion....will try and incorporate some action as it will help to add appeal to the piece. Thanks again
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks for your helpful suggestion....will try and incorporate some action as it will help to add appeal to the piece. Thanks again
Comment from koneart
Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again ! There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain. I really want to know what that object is? Mum says it is called a ' phone' What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself
Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again ! There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? [you'd put a period here because it's not a direct question requiring an answer. Baby just wants to know] When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and [to -- You might consider deleting 'to try' and use just 'to'] attract her attention but my efforts were in vain. I really want to know what that object is? [period] Mum says it is called a ' phone' [period] What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself [period or ellipsis would be nice so your reader thinks of continuing this story]
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again ! There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and attract her attention but my efforts were in vain. I really want to know what that object is? Mum says it is called a ' phone' What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself
Trriing....trrriiing....there's that noise again ! There goes Mum hurrying to pick up the black object and talk to it. I wonder what it is? [you'd put a period here because it's not a direct question requiring an answer. Baby just wants to know] When Mum talks to it , she pays no attention to me and I don't like that. I have tried being naughty, very naughty to try and [to -- You might consider deleting 'to try' and use just 'to'] attract her attention but my efforts were in vain. I really want to know what that object is? [period] Mum says it is called a ' phone' [period] What is a phone? I wanted to speak to it but Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself [period or ellipsis would be nice so your reader thinks of continuing this story]
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks for your helpful suggestions....will keep them in mind when I edit
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Thanks for your helpful suggestions....will keep them in mind when I edit
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Well, I can see my comments didn't come out as I had wished. I had said that this was an enjoyable, fun read and that those little guys sure pick up what a phone is fast. the suggestions are in the second graph. I think I copied your story instead of my comments. Very cute story. take care. Kone
Comment from nora arjuna
is this for a contest? nicely done, not easy to write in 100 words. maybe you can make the voice cuter/more childish.
Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself[.]
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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is this for a contest? nicely done, not easy to write in 100 words. maybe you can make the voice cuter/more childish.
Mum didn't let me and I can't reach it by myself[.]
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review.Thanks for your help. Will keep your suggestion in mind when I edit. ...I can see now that the language is not really babyish. Thanks again
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review.Thanks for your help. Will keep your suggestion in mind when I edit. ...I can see now that the language is not really babyish. Thanks again
Comment from RebelRose
I guess kids do wonder about all the goings-on that take the adult's attention away from them. It is so neat to watch them make new discoveries. This is a cute story.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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I guess kids do wonder about all the goings-on that take the adult's attention away from them. It is so neat to watch them make new discoveries. This is a cute story.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Very good. I also think that if they could talk that's what they would say, but you left out the place where baby thinks to itself, when's the right time to screeeeam?
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Very good. I also think that if they could talk that's what they would say, but you left out the place where baby thinks to itself, when's the right time to screeeeam?
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. You are right about the scream...I forgot that part when I wrote the piece
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. You are right about the scream...I forgot that part when I wrote the piece
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Bridge,
A very clever take on a baby's view of something we all take for granted, the telephone. I could feel the baby's frustration with not being able to use it. Also, the child's frustration at being ignored. A cute story about a common object.
Ray
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Hello Bridge,
A very clever take on a baby's view of something we all take for granted, the telephone. I could feel the baby's frustration with not being able to use it. Also, the child's frustration at being ignored. A cute story about a common object.
Ray
Comment Written 18-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2010
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Glad you liked it
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Glad you liked it
