Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from tspencer
I can always tell when I'm reading a story: by the second paragraph I'm completely invested in the protagonist. By the second paragraph I really disliked Laila. I hate indecision, especially when I'm reading the thoughts of an indecisive character; it drives me crazy. But you held me until the very end, even though by the middle of the story I didn't care whether she went on the date or not: I was to busy thinking just make a decision why don't you! So it is a credit to your talent as a writer how you skillfully kept me invested in Laila's actions. Good Job!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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I can always tell when I'm reading a story: by the second paragraph I'm completely invested in the protagonist. By the second paragraph I really disliked Laila. I hate indecision, especially when I'm reading the thoughts of an indecisive character; it drives me crazy. But you held me until the very end, even though by the middle of the story I didn't care whether she went on the date or not: I was to busy thinking just make a decision why don't you! So it is a credit to your talent as a writer how you skillfully kept me invested in Laila's actions. Good Job!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your interesting review. So people thought she was crazy and some people identified with her.
Comment from Sherelynne
I felt every bit of the anticipation and fear that Laila felt in meeting her suitor. I could feel the mixed feeling of Laila very well. It was nicely developed.
It also demonstrates the potential dangers involved with the internet acquaintances. She was young, inexperienced -especially with some of the information that she revealed to this guy. How do you fall in love with somone from the internet?
Great development! Hope there's a part two!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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I felt every bit of the anticipation and fear that Laila felt in meeting her suitor. I could feel the mixed feeling of Laila very well. It was nicely developed.
It also demonstrates the potential dangers involved with the internet acquaintances. She was young, inexperienced -especially with some of the information that she revealed to this guy. How do you fall in love with somone from the internet?
Great development! Hope there's a part two!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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There is a part two. I will try to post it this weekend. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Diny
You show promise- the inner dialogue and self doubting thoughts were very well expressed. It read easy and yet sometimes I felt you were repeating yourself way too much.
This is a good start- and with a bit more editing could be top notch. I think you need more dicrition or antidotes about him. I know this is onl the first part and I'd like to see how you pull it all together. Write on-Di
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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You show promise- the inner dialogue and self doubting thoughts were very well expressed. It read easy and yet sometimes I felt you were repeating yourself way too much.
This is a good start- and with a bit more editing could be top notch. I think you need more dicrition or antidotes about him. I know this is onl the first part and I'd like to see how you pull it all together. Write on-Di
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mountainstar2
This is a very good story written here. It's well deatailed and interesting all the way through. I only hope I don't miss the rest of the story.
I think this one caught my eye, because it's written so real like it just happened. Which is what a real Author does for his readers, in a story. I truly enjoyed this story and the way it's written. Leaves me on edge to read more and more of the same. Blessings...MOuntainstar2..
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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This is a very good story written here. It's well deatailed and interesting all the way through. I only hope I don't miss the rest of the story.
I think this one caught my eye, because it's written so real like it just happened. Which is what a real Author does for his readers, in a story. I truly enjoyed this story and the way it's written. Leaves me on edge to read more and more of the same. Blessings...MOuntainstar2..
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and the stars. Part two should happen this weekend.
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You are very welcome for the review of stars. I have to work all weekend but I am off Sunday night. I will try to catch the story, because I can't wait to see what happens...
Comment from idnami
All that suspense and we don't get to meet Jacob? I kind of like how it leaves the reader in that endless moment of wondering along with the main character.
I really liked the illustration of inner turmoil, though I didn't find her voice altogether believable.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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All that suspense and we don't get to meet Jacob? I kind of like how it leaves the reader in that endless moment of wondering along with the main character.
I really liked the illustration of inner turmoil, though I didn't find her voice altogether believable.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Some readers identified with Laila and some didn't. There is a part two that I will post this weekend. Thank you for your review.
Comment from marlened91
The story Made me want to keep reading. I like that it had detail thrown in throughout the story. At the end, having Laila question the meeting, opens up many possibilities for the ending and makes the reading think.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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The story Made me want to keep reading. I like that it had detail thrown in throughout the story. At the end, having Laila question the meeting, opens up many possibilities for the ending and makes the reading think.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from noland
I'm giving it five stars, even though there is some incorrect punctuation. It really doesn't need revision, just a few minor corrections. Well written. The reader feels her anxiety and can relate to all her musings. Nice touch leaving us to wonder how it turned out. Great job of getting inside someone's head and keeping it interesting.
2nd paragraph--should be a question mark after 'I wonder if this dress is right.' 6th paragraph--should be 'Her breathing BECAME less shallow.' 11th--should be a question mark after 'Is this stretch satin showing too much of my curves.'
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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I'm giving it five stars, even though there is some incorrect punctuation. It really doesn't need revision, just a few minor corrections. Well written. The reader feels her anxiety and can relate to all her musings. Nice touch leaving us to wonder how it turned out. Great job of getting inside someone's head and keeping it interesting.
2nd paragraph--should be a question mark after 'I wonder if this dress is right.' 6th paragraph--should be 'Her breathing BECAME less shallow.' 11th--should be a question mark after 'Is this stretch satin showing too much of my curves.'
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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I will recheck those areas, Thank you for your review.
Comment from menachem
It's very nice. A little crazy, but nice! I wouldn't advocate internet dating, necessarily, but she already told him EVERYTHING, anyway. She's already given him, WAY past more than he needs to hurt her, what does she think meeting him is going to do?
Anyway, I like it. Looking forward to part two.
P.S Not inviting him upstairs until she knows him better, makes a lot of sense. But to see him, what does she think he's going to do, anyway? (I guess I'll see, hopefully.)
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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It's very nice. A little crazy, but nice! I wouldn't advocate internet dating, necessarily, but she already told him EVERYTHING, anyway. She's already given him, WAY past more than he needs to hurt her, what does she think meeting him is going to do?
Anyway, I like it. Looking forward to part two.
P.S Not inviting him upstairs until she knows him better, makes a lot of sense. But to see him, what does she think he's going to do, anyway? (I guess I'll see, hopefully.)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome.
And thank you for yours.
Comment from Zaphod
Very good. I really like how you've gotten into her head and we see the doubts and the second-guessing that we all do. Really lets the reader feel like the are into something special.
Didn't catch anything on my read.
Keep up the good work.
Z
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Very good. I really like how you've gotten into her head and we see the doubts and the second-guessing that we all do. Really lets the reader feel like the are into something special.
Didn't catch anything on my read.
Keep up the good work.
Z
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I have been wondering where you've been, I hope you are writing again.
Comment from TheDon
T-riffic! I felt the angst, the tension, the indecisiveness - and I'm anxiously waiting for Part II!
A couple of (very) minor points.
Original: She wrung her hands, before glancing at her watch.
Suggested(1): She wrung her hands before glancing at her watch.
Suggested(2): She wrung her hands, then glanced at her watch.
Original: She turned and stood before the closet's full-length mirror and inspected her reflection.
Suggested: She turned and stood before the closet's full-length mirror inspecting her reflection.
Also, in the middle of the piece you switch from italicized thoughts to "quoted" thoughts - or was Laila speaking out loud. I was confused by this.
Still, all in all a suburb piece. The best I've read today (so far). It gives me faith there ARE some serious writers still on this site.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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T-riffic! I felt the angst, the tension, the indecisiveness - and I'm anxiously waiting for Part II!
A couple of (very) minor points.
Original: She wrung her hands, before glancing at her watch.
Suggested(1): She wrung her hands before glancing at her watch.
Suggested(2): She wrung her hands, then glanced at her watch.
Original: She turned and stood before the closet's full-length mirror and inspected her reflection.
Suggested: She turned and stood before the closet's full-length mirror inspecting her reflection.
Also, in the middle of the piece you switch from italicized thoughts to "quoted" thoughts - or was Laila speaking out loud. I was confused by this.
Still, all in all a suburb piece. The best I've read today (so far). It gives me faith there ARE some serious writers still on this site.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and the stars. I will make a hard copy and get on those errors.
