A Scary Building
Patty is afraid to live in her building.29 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
Quite a twist at the end. Flash fiction, especially horror, I think, is more effective if it has a twist. This does need a language warning. Excellent fast-paced writing.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Quite a twist at the end. Flash fiction, especially horror, I think, is more effective if it has a twist. This does need a language warning. Excellent fast-paced writing.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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I'm glad you enjoyed this one. The twist in this was kind of a double twist- she shot the cop with mace, and he was maced because he didn't identify himself. His mistake and he deserved the result. - Thesis
Comment from Ann Smith
Well at least we know Patty's dad won't have to worry now. He knows Patty can protect herself the next time, if she needs to. The suspense and details were good and kept me reading until the end. I feel sorry for the policeman. Good luck with the contest. ann
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Well at least we know Patty's dad won't have to worry now. He knows Patty can protect herself the next time, if she needs to. The suspense and details were good and kept me reading until the end. I feel sorry for the policeman. Good luck with the contest. ann
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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You're right, Ann. She would havemade him proud. Thanks for reading and for your comments. - John
Comment from Begin Again
John,
OOOPS! He should have said something or identified himself in someway...a girl has to protect herself from the likes of scum. Nicely done.
Carol
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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John,
OOOPS! He should have said something or identified himself in someway...a girl has to protect herself from the likes of scum. Nicely done.
Carol
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Hi, Carol. Yes, the cop was pretty foolish. He should have known the girl was scared. He deserved getting sprayed. - John
Comment from Angelite
Oh no, the poor cop.
a good story with a horror building throughout
creepy feeling to have, one of being watched or stalked.
good luck
Angel
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Oh no, the poor cop.
a good story with a horror building throughout
creepy feeling to have, one of being watched or stalked.
good luck
Angel
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks for your comments, Angel. They are appreciated. - Thesis
Comment from redrider6612
I liked the twist on the end of this story. The reason for the rating is I feel the anecdotal manner of telling the story detracts from the potential tension. Bring the reader into the events by making them experience them alongside the character. Draw out the tension and terror so the last line packs a stronger punch.
Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I liked the twist on the end of this story. The reason for the rating is I feel the anecdotal manner of telling the story detracts from the potential tension. Bring the reader into the events by making them experience them alongside the character. Draw out the tension and terror so the last line packs a stronger punch.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks, red. I appreciate your comments. - Thesis
Comment from lola29
What was she doing in that apartment building in the first place? I think after the murder/rape had occurred, I would have been out the door, never to return. I think anyone would have maced the stranger--undercover officer or not. You've certainly built a very suspeseful scene.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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What was she doing in that apartment building in the first place? I think after the murder/rape had occurred, I would have been out the door, never to return. I think anyone would have maced the stranger--undercover officer or not. You've certainly built a very suspeseful scene.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I agree. I think many women would have vacated that building. Thanksfor reading. - John
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Great emotion. My husband being a forensic science detective for the Army, made sure I carried a can of maze that I kept in my purse. It got taken the last time I boarded an airplane. I just keep my 6'5" ofensive linemen with me when I go out after dark. I think this 17 year old male will do me more good than a can of maze, anyway.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Great emotion. My husband being a forensic science detective for the Army, made sure I carried a can of maze that I kept in my purse. It got taken the last time I boarded an airplane. I just keep my 6'5" ofensive linemen with me when I go out after dark. I think this 17 year old male will do me more good than a can of maze, anyway.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Barbara, I agree. A 6'5" lineman is the best deterrent. It's good you have one of those. - John
Comment from Mastery
Hi, John. As you know this one is over, but you have a good entry here. I like the concept of her thoughts...Perhaps in this one place you should have used italics "Shit! Is that a shadow?" surprise endings are always cool, too...It was a bit predictable though, and that's because there wasn't enough time with the word restrictions to build the story properly..Bob
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Hi, John. As you know this one is over, but you have a good entry here. I like the concept of her thoughts...Perhaps in this one place you should have used italics "Shit! Is that a shadow?" surprise endings are always cool, too...It was a bit predictable though, and that's because there wasn't enough time with the word restrictions to build the story properly..Bob
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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You're probably right, Bob. Thanks for the comments. They are appreciated. - John
Comment from patmedium
Oh, John... trust you to come up with something like this! Poor copper! You have me chuckling here... most unspiritual! Good luck with it. Pat.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Oh, John... trust you to come up with something like this! Poor copper! You have me chuckling here... most unspiritual! Good luck with it. Pat.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Lol, thanks Pat. Yeah, he should have identified himself. She was just trying to survive. Well, I don't think he'll make that mistake again, lol. - John
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A memorable piece, this one. Pat.
Comment from OldVet
Guess he won't walk up behind her again, will he?
Good example of FF. No wasted words; everything fit right into the tale. Short and to the point!
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Guess he won't walk up behind her again, will he?
Good example of FF. No wasted words; everything fit right into the tale. Short and to the point!
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Thanks, OldVet. I think he learned his lesson. He'll probably not live that one down at the station, for a while, lol. - John
