Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Chapter 7, part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
67 total reviews
Comment from Xuders
Another interesting chapter in this ongoing book, this time with Leya becoming mysteriously ill. (I hope her evil family hasn't found a way to channel H1N1 to those it wishes to torment!)
I have to say I find Peggy a breath of fresh air.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Another interesting chapter in this ongoing book, this time with Leya becoming mysteriously ill. (I hope her evil family hasn't found a way to channel H1N1 to those it wishes to torment!)
I have to say I find Peggy a breath of fresh air.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I am laughing. You would be surprises what my reviewers have threatened to do to her. Somethings I would never have thought of. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from Queenise
Barbara,friend this is another great chapter and I am still thoroughly enjoying it. Great action,drama,flow,pace and content. I think others will enjoy this wonderful book. Blessings. Queenise
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Barbara,friend this is another great chapter and I am still thoroughly enjoying it. Great action,drama,flow,pace and content. I think others will enjoy this wonderful book. Blessings. Queenise
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
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You're welcome. Queenise
Comment from Lynnda
Even coming in on the story for the first time, this was interesting to read. Tight plot, believable character development, and clean writing are all present.
While it may be part of the genre', the only suggestion I could make would be to replace some of the cliches: "the sun peaked over the horizon," "scared to death," and "crept from the bed."
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Even coming in on the story for the first time, this was interesting to read. Tight plot, believable character development, and clean writing are all present.
While it may be part of the genre', the only suggestion I could make would be to replace some of the cliches: "the sun peaked over the horizon," "scared to death," and "crept from the bed."
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I will relook those. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jayhawk67
Good chapter. Leya is showing vulnerability and Steven his feelings. The course of the story makes me wonder whether Leya is mole; at this point it seems unlikely; but we'll see, right?
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Good chapter. Leya is showing vulnerability and Steven his feelings. The course of the story makes me wonder whether Leya is mole; at this point it seems unlikely; but we'll see, right?
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I can promise you the mole will be revealed by the end of the story. Thank you for your review.
Comment from empire76
Barbara, your story has interesting pieces as it goes along. I think you have that down well. I must sound like a broken record, because my main comment is the same as the previous chapters. Emotion is missing.
Other comments:
- I'll detail some men to assist with security until we can move Leya." Matt glanced toward the door. "Leya was pretty
Repetition of Leya here can be avoided. The second one can be replaced with 'she'
- The scene with Steven and Leya is sweet. That's a huge opportunity for inserting some emotion in the story
- Why is Leya scared of needles? She tells us she is but we don't know why and we don't experience her fear.
E.g.: Instead of saying: Leya gulped - gulped - gulped - and gulped, try something that shows her emotions. Is it bringing some bad memories, for example?
- "Come on, sweetie(,) look at me."
- "She has quite a grip." After laughing, he said, "You said you don't do needles
How about: "She has quite a grip." He laughed, turning to Leya. "You said you didn't do needles..."
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Barbara, your story has interesting pieces as it goes along. I think you have that down well. I must sound like a broken record, because my main comment is the same as the previous chapters. Emotion is missing.
Other comments:
- I'll detail some men to assist with security until we can move Leya." Matt glanced toward the door. "Leya was pretty
Repetition of Leya here can be avoided. The second one can be replaced with 'she'
- The scene with Steven and Leya is sweet. That's a huge opportunity for inserting some emotion in the story
- Why is Leya scared of needles? She tells us she is but we don't know why and we don't experience her fear.
E.g.: Instead of saying: Leya gulped - gulped - gulped - and gulped, try something that shows her emotions. Is it bringing some bad memories, for example?
- "Come on, sweetie(,) look at me."
- "She has quite a grip." After laughing, he said, "You said you don't do needles
How about: "She has quite a grip." He laughed, turning to Leya. "You said you didn't do needles..."
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your suggestions. I have some reviewers that tell me I go into too much detail and emotion. I got a four a few reviews back for it. I told him to talk to you. Thank you for four review.
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the issue of reviewing is subjective, you know. so if I'm the only one screaming for more detail, then it's probably just me. You are the author of this story so you should use your discretion in deciding which comments work for your story and discard those that don't
Comment from FredCollingwood
Great story--lots of excitement and well written. Minor comments:
Steven pushed past him, sat beside Leya(,) and brushed a curl of hair from her cheek. > no comma here.
If I go back to my family, this would stop() and everybody would be safe. > add comma
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Great story--lots of excitement and well written. Minor comments:
Steven pushed past him, sat beside Leya(,) and brushed a curl of hair from her cheek. > no comma here.
If I go back to my family, this would stop() and everybody would be safe. > add comma
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I will never get comma's straight. Thank you for your review.
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You should see how many I get wrong in my own work.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
My husband is really manly, but
he can't stand needles at all.
It's such a pleasure to read your work
which is so well written, making it easy
to follow, Barbara.
Now, that wasn't (so) bad, was it?" - just a thought.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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My husband is really manly, but
he can't stand needles at all.
It's such a pleasure to read your work
which is so well written, making it easy
to follow, Barbara.
Now, that wasn't (so) bad, was it?" - just a thought.
Margaret.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I had the so in there and then took it out at the last minute. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Freeflyer
I wonder if Peggy is the mole. She would do anything to get rid of Leya. I wonder if she would be silly enough to go this far.
Great writing.
Maz.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I wonder if Peggy is the mole. She would do anything to get rid of Leya. I wonder if she would be silly enough to go this far.
Great writing.
Maz.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I wonder too. Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Tomoso
Great stuff!
This is a well written chapter. The story is driven along at a nice pace by the dialogue. The ending is compelling and leaves you wanting more. This is my first chapter and I'm looking forward to more.
Well done
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Great stuff!
This is a well written chapter. The story is driven along at a nice pace by the dialogue. The ending is compelling and leaves you wanting more. This is my first chapter and I'm looking forward to more.
Well done
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from LegendaryAngel
The dialouge moved smoothly and was quite understandable. I haven't read previous chapters so I feel you've done a great job with your story that I can understand what's going on. Great! I love the story and the humor and where it's going!!
LA
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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The dialouge moved smoothly and was quite understandable. I haven't read previous chapters so I feel you've done a great job with your story that I can understand what's going on. Great! I love the story and the humor and where it's going!!
LA
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
