Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter 4 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
53 total reviews
Comment from Freeflyer
Hmmm. Leya could be walking into a hornet's nest. Did her father beat her mother knowing full well that this was the way to get to his daughter?
An interesting chapter. The story moves nicely.
Maz.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
  |
Hmmm. Leya could be walking into a hornet's nest. Did her father beat her mother knowing full well that this was the way to get to his daughter?
An interesting chapter. The story moves nicely.
Maz.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
Oh very nice observation. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Josipher32
This was a wonderfully written chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" I must confess I haven't read the other chapters but will go take a look.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
This was a wonderfully written chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" I must confess I haven't read the other chapters but will go take a look.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Gary D. Hardy
A true gem of a story. Well written with believable characters. I enjoyed reading very much. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story. Warm regards, ________________Gary
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
A true gem of a story. Well written with believable characters. I enjoyed reading very much. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story. Warm regards, ________________Gary
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from christopherjl
Barbara.wilkey thanks for sharing this part of your novel. I really enjoyed it, I sense a bit of foreshadowing so I'm looking forward to the next chapters. I do have one suggestion but I'm not certain weather it is required or not so perhaps you can clarify. The line '"Hi. How long have you been there?" he asked grinning, as he stirred a large pot of spaghetti sauce.' Is the word "he" required to be capitalized after the question mark? Either way great story!
Regards,
Christopher.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
Barbara.wilkey thanks for sharing this part of your novel. I really enjoyed it, I sense a bit of foreshadowing so I'm looking forward to the next chapters. I do have one suggestion but I'm not certain weather it is required or not so perhaps you can clarify. The line '"Hi. How long have you been there?" he asked grinning, as he stirred a large pot of spaghetti sauce.' Is the word "he" required to be capitalized after the question mark? Either way great story!
Regards,
Christopher.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
No he is not supposed to be capitalized because it is still a speech tag with a question mark or an explanation point. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Phil Kitom
The relationship between lea and Steven surely
is beginning to steam over and I am sure that
it wont be long before limbs are firmly crashing
together in the consummation of their marriage.
An excellent story that is being well told...
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
The relationship between lea and Steven surely
is beginning to steam over and I am sure that
it wont be long before limbs are firmly crashing
together in the consummation of their marriage.
An excellent story that is being well told...
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
thank you for your review and kind words
Comment from Paul Greatrix
this was well written, with the right type of narrative voice. Gritty in the martina cole fashion, your characters come alive through their poignant dialogue. Good work.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
this was well written, with the right type of narrative voice. Gritty in the martina cole fashion, your characters come alive through their poignant dialogue. Good work.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
thank you for your review and kind words
Comment from Nicnac
I'm so happy to see Steven again, even if he is feeling sparks with the whorey-dressed virgin. LOL (Nothing like the sparks he ignites in me though.)
I like how Steven is beginning to show his concern for Leya. Noticing her biting her lip and holding her hand to comfort her... nice little touches.
They are finally beginning to touch! LOL Cutting tomatoes and peeling tattoos is a slow start, but it's nice to feel the tension growing.
Derek and Jim make me mad. They should be a little (A LOT) more observant and careful.
Poor Senora Vegas. Living in a family like that certainly has its draw-backs. :(
Well, off to Bogata. I smell deep doo-doo!
Suggestions:
he asked(,) grinning as he stirred
Do you need something(,) or would you like to help
Great imagery and action in this chapter. The dialogue between Steven and Leya is becoming warmer, and reveals Steven's growing feelings for her.
I enjoyed this very much, Barbara. I missed your posts. :)
Nic
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
|
I'm so happy to see Steven again, even if he is feeling sparks with the whorey-dressed virgin. LOL (Nothing like the sparks he ignites in me though.)
I like how Steven is beginning to show his concern for Leya. Noticing her biting her lip and holding her hand to comfort her... nice little touches.
They are finally beginning to touch! LOL Cutting tomatoes and peeling tattoos is a slow start, but it's nice to feel the tension growing.
Derek and Jim make me mad. They should be a little (A LOT) more observant and careful.
Poor Senora Vegas. Living in a family like that certainly has its draw-backs. :(
Well, off to Bogata. I smell deep doo-doo!
Suggestions:
he asked(,) grinning as he stirred
Do you need something(,) or would you like to help
Great imagery and action in this chapter. The dialogue between Steven and Leya is becoming warmer, and reveals Steven's growing feelings for her.
I enjoyed this very much, Barbara. I missed your posts. :)
Nic
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
-
Thank you for your review and continued support. I have saved Steven's phone number for your.
-
WooHoo! LOL Oh, I forgot to tell you... I love your profile pic! It's so nice to SEE you. :)
Comment from donnadiann
In this chapter you have done a good job showing Steven's feelings of love for Leya, but also using words to indicate his fear that she might not want to be married to him. I like that you paid so much attention to details that showed Steven is so in love with leya.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
|
In this chapter you have done a good job showing Steven's feelings of love for Leya, but also using words to indicate his fear that she might not want to be married to him. I like that you paid so much attention to details that showed Steven is so in love with leya.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
-
Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from robertlmcgraw
Great work. This is a very interesting piece that holds the attention of the reader well. The dialogue is smooth and natural. Generally I liked it.
Only one complaint; I think it needs more description of setting. It is a fantastic storyline, but I think that some descriptions of say the helicopter, or the kitchen, etc. would go a long way to improving it. The breaks (*****) just leaving me feeling that something is lacking.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
 |
Great work. This is a very interesting piece that holds the attention of the reader well. The dialogue is smooth and natural. Generally I liked it.
Only one complaint; I think it needs more description of setting. It is a fantastic storyline, but I think that some descriptions of say the helicopter, or the kitchen, etc. would go a long way to improving it. The breaks (*****) just leaving me feeling that something is lacking.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
-
The breaks are there because of scene/POV change. I have been told that is the appropiate way to handle it. As for the descriptions of the helicopter or kitchen, again, in my writing books, romance, if it doesn't move the romance along it shouldn't be there. Those are the reasons, I do write the way I write. You do have a right to your opinion and I appreciate it and will take a second look at my post. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent chapter. It took me a while to get into it, because I've never read any previous chapters, but after a while it all came together. I still don't know about Leya. She's headstrong and a bit spoiled, which would be in character, but is she ready to be married? I'll find out eventually.
I like your use of body language to identify who is speaking. You do a good job with this:
I found only a handful of nits, not at all bad for a fairly long post:
"At the post office, Steven and Leya made sure the certificates would arrive in Bogota' (a stray apostrophe) the following day.
"You all right?" Steven says this, but that is not immediately apparent. You might add a speech tag to the end of this short sentence.
"He grinned at her cute, little, round bottom..." There is a spurious hard line break just before this sentence.
Dave
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
|
Barbara,
This is an excellent chapter. It took me a while to get into it, because I've never read any previous chapters, but after a while it all came together. I still don't know about Leya. She's headstrong and a bit spoiled, which would be in character, but is she ready to be married? I'll find out eventually.
I like your use of body language to identify who is speaking. You do a good job with this:
I found only a handful of nits, not at all bad for a fairly long post:
"At the post office, Steven and Leya made sure the certificates would arrive in Bogota' (a stray apostrophe) the following day.
"You all right?" Steven says this, but that is not immediately apparent. You might add a speech tag to the end of this short sentence.
"He grinned at her cute, little, round bottom..." There is a spurious hard line break just before this sentence.
Dave
Comment Written 07-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
-
Bogota' (Bogota' is spelled with an accent, but when my computer puts one in, evil eddie changes it to an @ but if I manually put it in, I get people telling me I have a stray apostrophe, now what do I do? HELP!!!!!! I will take care of the other problems. Thank you for reading.
-
Barbara,
There is a solution to that problem, if you use Fanstory's "advanced editor" when you upload your stories. When you look at the window where you paste your text, you should see a series of symbols at the top. Next to a button called "insert smiley face" is another called "insert special symbol." When you click on that button, a window appears. Inside this window is a large series of special symbols, including letters with accent marks. You can pick the accented letter you want and insert it in your text, and Evil Eddie won't mess with it.
Dave
-
Please understand my cat is more computer literate than I am. Anyway, every time I try to use advanced editor, McAfee, throughs a temper tantrum and won't let me. People have suggested I turn it while I run advanced editor, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. So as of right now, I can't use advanced editor.
