Domestic Dispute
The worst scenario for a cop35 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Having one's hands amputated by a sword - that is horrific - and you describe it quite effectively - this is an excellent story in only 100 words - and thank you for the author's notes - yes, I hear of officers getting hurt and even killed on such calls quite often on the news. How awful. Brooke
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Having one's hands amputated by a sword - that is horrific - and you describe it quite effectively - this is an excellent story in only 100 words - and thank you for the author's notes - yes, I hear of officers getting hurt and even killed on such calls quite often on the news. How awful. Brooke
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Thanks Brooke. Having to condense the story actually worked this time. - Thesis
Comment from Cooper Watt
That's good, gross, and frightening, Thesis, nice job! My only complaint: the picture does not belong with the story. It's too much of a contrast, it completely detracts from the horror of the story.
Good luck,
Coop.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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That's good, gross, and frightening, Thesis, nice job! My only complaint: the picture does not belong with the story. It's too much of a contrast, it completely detracts from the horror of the story.
Good luck,
Coop.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Thanks for the review Coop. Yeah, maybe I'll pull the picture. It was the only thing close on the site. - Thesis
Comment from Marjorie D.
It almost sounds as though the husband and wife had planned this attack on the officer. I know it's true that domestic violence cases are the most dangerous calls police officers answer. This is really horrific. Good job and good luck, Thesis!
XO
Marjorie
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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It almost sounds as though the husband and wife had planned this attack on the officer. I know it's true that domestic violence cases are the most dangerous calls police officers answer. This is really horrific. Good job and good luck, Thesis!
XO
Marjorie
Comment Written 14-May-2009
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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Hi Marjorie. Thanks for your review. A sad story that could actually happen. It's crazy out there. - Thesis
Comment from Buctar
Thesis:
He should have had back-up as soon as he learned the man was armed. That would have ruined the story, though.
A couple of thoughts. See what you think:
the wife said: "He's got a knife." The wife said is a tag line. Normally the tag should follow the dialogue and is a part of the dialogue. It is usually set off with a comma, not a colon.[Use the colon after a formal introductory statement to direct attention to what is to follow. Avoid needless colons. Harbrace College Handbook])That would be something like--The following is a list of attendees: a, b, c)
Watching the blood drip from his stumps, (This is not dramatic enough for what happened. Recommend: Watching the blood GUSH/SPURT from his stumps,)
the Officer was in shock. (This is straight "telling." Can you show it with his color, expression, etc.?)
Turning slightly, he felt the blade slit his NECK, as she laughed. (Neck does not imply the throat. Recommend: Turning slightly, he felt the blade slit his THROAT, as she laughed.)
I hope this helps.
Bill
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Thesis:
He should have had back-up as soon as he learned the man was armed. That would have ruined the story, though.
A couple of thoughts. See what you think:
the wife said: "He's got a knife." The wife said is a tag line. Normally the tag should follow the dialogue and is a part of the dialogue. It is usually set off with a comma, not a colon.[Use the colon after a formal introductory statement to direct attention to what is to follow. Avoid needless colons. Harbrace College Handbook])That would be something like--The following is a list of attendees: a, b, c)
Watching the blood drip from his stumps, (This is not dramatic enough for what happened. Recommend: Watching the blood GUSH/SPURT from his stumps,)
the Officer was in shock. (This is straight "telling." Can you show it with his color, expression, etc.?)
Turning slightly, he felt the blade slit his NECK, as she laughed. (Neck does not imply the throat. Recommend: Turning slightly, he felt the blade slit his THROAT, as she laughed.)
I hope this helps.
Bill
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Hi Bill,
Thanks for your thoughts. The whole story would have been different, had I more than 100 words. Good points though. - Thesis
Comment from Sandollar
This was a real deal horrifying situation. Police are always being attacked when they answer those particular calls. Even if it doesn't turn violent, there's always the chance the officer could be wrongfully accused of something. Good work.
Very creative. Good luck in the contest.
I found no errors.
Sandollar
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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This was a real deal horrifying situation. Police are always being attacked when they answer those particular calls. Even if it doesn't turn violent, there's always the chance the officer could be wrongfully accused of something. Good work.
Very creative. Good luck in the contest.
I found no errors.
Sandollar
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Thanks Dandollar. I appreciate your coments and the stars. - Thesis
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It's Sandollar. I probably oops it again when I typed it. You're very welcome.
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Sorry,
My fault - hit the wrong key. - Thesis
Comment from Soulester
You did an excellent job telling this horrific story in just 100 words, Thesis. This is definitely the goryiest 100-word horror story contest entry I've read yet. The really scary part it could possibly happen! Consideration: I noticed four of the six paragraphs began with "-ing" words, which makes the action parts more passive. Good luck in the contest! Mary
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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You did an excellent job telling this horrific story in just 100 words, Thesis. This is definitely the goryiest 100-word horror story contest entry I've read yet. The really scary part it could possibly happen! Consideration: I noticed four of the six paragraphs began with "-ing" words, which makes the action parts more passive. Good luck in the contest! Mary
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Thank you Soulester. I tried to think of a horrific scene, and well, the rest just happened. Thanks of the "ing" catch. I'll have to watch out for that. - Thesis
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
I can't imagine reading this without experiencing a sense of profound shock at the image of the officer's hands cut off etc.
I really did not enjoy this story, despite the fact that the presentation was perfect.
Juliette
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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I can't imagine reading this without experiencing a sense of profound shock at the image of the officer's hands cut off etc.
I really did not enjoy this story, despite the fact that the presentation was perfect.
Juliette
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Thanks Juliette. I'm glad I got the reaction I was after. - Thesis
Comment from empire76
That's sordid, but a good take on the issue of domestic disputes being one of the most dangerous aspects of the police work
A couple of comments:
- Meeting him at the door, the wife said[:] "He's got a knife."
I'd recommend a comma here. The colon really doesn't add anything to the line.
- Watching the blood drip from his stumps, the Officer was in shock.
have you considered making this line active rather than passive? As in: The officer stared in shock as blood dripped ...
Just my thoughts
E
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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That's sordid, but a good take on the issue of domestic disputes being one of the most dangerous aspects of the police work
A couple of comments:
- Meeting him at the door, the wife said[:] "He's got a knife."
I'd recommend a comma here. The colon really doesn't add anything to the line.
- Watching the blood drip from his stumps, the Officer was in shock.
have you considered making this line active rather than passive? As in: The officer stared in shock as blood dripped ...
Just my thoughts
E
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Thanks empire. Didn't think of it that way. - Thesis
Comment from Max Edon
I enjoyed reading this story. It certainly was horrific. I do have one minor nit-pick, though. Instead of 'he felt the blade slit his neck', 'the officer' would be a bit clearer.
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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I enjoyed reading this story. It certainly was horrific. I do have one minor nit-pick, though. Instead of 'he felt the blade slit his neck', 'the officer' would be a bit clearer.
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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I agree. I thought about that after I submitted the story. I hve to see how I can change it within the 100 word limit. Thanks - Thesis
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You are welcome!
Comment from lola29
Wow! That was riveting from start to finish. You always add that certain twist to your stories and this one successfully met the criteria for the contest. Winner!
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Wow! That was riveting from start to finish. You always add that certain twist to your stories and this one successfully met the criteria for the contest. Winner!
Comment Written 13-May-2009
reply by the author on 13-May-2009
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Hi Lola. Thanks for reading it. I don't like expected endings, they're kinda boring. :) - Thesis
