The seven twenty-four to Cannon St.
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "In a moment"Tales of commuting by train
23 total reviews
Comment from The Cajun
Very interesting. I'm doing terrorists in two of my works and it is always interesting to see another take on what is always a horrible situation.
I think I missed it and tried to find it but what does IFA mean?
Well written. Food for thought for me. I always wonder what justification they really believe they are accomplishing.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2007
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Very interesting. I'm doing terrorists in two of my works and it is always interesting to see another take on what is always a horrible situation.
I think I missed it and tried to find it but what does IFA mean?
Well written. Food for thought for me. I always wonder what justification they really believe they are accomplishing.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2007
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Busted. I made IFA up (Irish Freedom Army?). There were several splinter groups that bombed London through the years, the IRA, the Real IRA, the INLA, etc. I chose a bogus group, probably out of cowardice. But this is a creative writing site after all.
As for their justification, I think much of it, at least in the Irish Troubles, was 'you've done it to us, so we'll do it to you.' The loyalists had their own terrorists to match the republicans, and having the army police the province did not help relations.
But how can you apply reason to anyone, on any side, that targets civilians?
Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you found it interesting.
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Most of these people fight for so long they forget why. In Gridiron Gang. Two gang members are fighting and the Rock spits them up. They're ready to kill each other when he asks them why. After a moment they realize they don't know.
Comment from P1
as an irish woman i am saddened reading this piece. i remember the events well. you told the story of a brutal event in great detail and with delicate skill. The images of people lying dead and the child so full of life, the distressed mother are all still playing in my mind. Just one small thing as an irish person the name Patrick spelt in irish is "Padraig", no bit deal at all. thanks for the read.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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as an irish woman i am saddened reading this piece. i remember the events well. you told the story of a brutal event in great detail and with delicate skill. The images of people lying dead and the child so full of life, the distressed mother are all still playing in my mind. Just one small thing as an irish person the name Patrick spelt in irish is "Padraig", no bit deal at all. thanks for the read.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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Dia dit. (and yes, I know I probably spelled that wrong too, but I learned it phonetically)
I am honoured. I was dreading a review by an Irish person. Though I was brought up under the threat of terrorism (we lived in a flat over a Conservative Club, and hence were a 'legitimate military target') I realise that they were the actions of a few, and those few weren't limited to one side. Sadly this story could be set almost anywhere, it's just that I was more familiar with a London setting.
Thank you for your generosity in reviewing this. I knew Podraig didn't look right, I'll change it shortly.
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thank you for taking my review in the spirit it was intended, i hate to find fault. it was a great yet harrowing read. hugs lynda.
Comment from azbukivedi
A very powerful story. What can I say... It's a sick world, really sick.
I wish you best of luck with this contest. More importantly, I want to thank you for writing this.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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A very powerful story. What can I say... It's a sick world, really sick.
I wish you best of luck with this contest. More importantly, I want to thank you for writing this.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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I want to thank you for taking the trouble to review it. Thanks
Comment from LovnPeace
pound note. "Have a milkshake on me. But if I find you've blathered when you're smashed out (our )
In the after math you said the bomb went off at charing cross...that is what Pod said in the phone call...he was supposed to say Kings cross you said...i'm confused...did you get the last part right?...Blessings...L&P*
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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pound note. "Have a milkshake on me. But if I find you've blathered when you're smashed out (our )
In the after math you said the bomb went off at charing cross...that is what Pod said in the phone call...he was supposed to say Kings cross you said...i'm confused...did you get the last part right?...Blessings...L&P*
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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(checks story). No, the explosion occurred at Charing Cross, but Podraigh told them Kings Cros by mistake. I've checked the story and I can't see where that is not consistent, sorry.
Thanks for the other spag, and for your review.
Comment from Sissy
Hey snodlander,
Whew! This one was pretty powerful to read, and I think it's a great contest entry. Overall, I loved the way you set this up - the scene at the station first and putting a face on the child, Ben, then Podraigh, then the Home Secretary... all good stuff. The switching viewpoints really were well done on your part, snod.
Okay, I cut and pasted some stuff below for your to check out. Mainly it deals with passives; see what you think:
Eight twenty-two, and the ordinary workers were trudging ('were trudged'/passive. Try 'trudged') to their offices just as they did every day at this time, mind on the day's
He had a disposable camera that was just his and he was allowed to take whatever pictures he wanted. He was going to photograph the Beefeaters and the ravens (the "He had', then the 'that was' and 'was allowed', then 'He was' again. Hmmm... He had his very own disposable camera, and could take whatever pictures he wanted. (I know, I know, it's not quite the same thing, right? I'm just trying to switch it around to show you the difference.)
open(-)mouthed
"No, we want them to ...(.) That's why we used the code word ... so they know ..."
(If you are starting a new sentence after an ellipsis, you need a period.)
People were standing ('were standing'/passive. Try 'stood') around on the footpaths, eyes wide, talking through their experiences with friends, colleagues, strangers; anyone that would listen. Some were sobbing (Some sobbed <--I'm on the fence about this one.). Some were trotting (<--think you need to leave this one, Unless you went with 'Others trotted away') away, fear on their faces: the sensible ones.
The air was filled with sirens, near and far. (Sirens, near and far, filled the air. -- see the difference?)
The unofficial cease-fire had become an official one, then a temporary truce that (need this 'that'?) had lasted months and months.
He was saluted by a police officer as he exited the car (A police officer saluted im as he left the car ) and led (the way?) (something's off here, snod.) through a maze of corridors to a large office. There was a pile of in-trays, files and office miscellany against the wall A pile of in-trays, files and office miscellany rested against the wall? - Find a way to rephrase to get rid of the 'There was')
Sean stared out of the window, down at the ordinary people in the street, (<--no comma) walking past their cheap hotel without realising there were heroes inside. ('there were''.....hmm...'heroes resided inside'? Arrgh. Not so good. Probably could leave. But you write well enough to figure something out.)
The floor was littered with debris (Debris littered the floor): bags dropped by commuters, odd women's shoes, glass fragments, shards of metal. And bodies
The Home Secretary carefully picked his way across the concourse, staring at his feet in case he should tread on something; in something, even (consider a dash versus a semicolon. Not quite sure the semicolon works here.)
Surely it was too small ...(.) Oh my God
On the telly a woman was screaming (screamed?) with grief. Podraigh shifted uncomf
"My baby!" she screamed at the reporter (double use 'was screaming', 'screamed'. Maybe 'shrieked', 'cried'?)
and dialled the emergency services (is the double 'l' in dialled the British way, snod. I'm kinda thinkin' it is.)
---Obviously you don't have to adjust ALL the 'was's, 'were's, etc. Just see how many you can get rid of. As you can see from some of my examples, sometimes, it just doesn't work.
Anyway, please PM me when you have the edits done. I'd love to upgrade this.
Take care, and good luck in the contest!
Sissy
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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Hey snodlander,
Whew! This one was pretty powerful to read, and I think it's a great contest entry. Overall, I loved the way you set this up - the scene at the station first and putting a face on the child, Ben, then Podraigh, then the Home Secretary... all good stuff. The switching viewpoints really were well done on your part, snod.
Okay, I cut and pasted some stuff below for your to check out. Mainly it deals with passives; see what you think:
Eight twenty-two, and the ordinary workers were trudging ('were trudged'/passive. Try 'trudged') to their offices just as they did every day at this time, mind on the day's
He had a disposable camera that was just his and he was allowed to take whatever pictures he wanted. He was going to photograph the Beefeaters and the ravens (the "He had', then the 'that was' and 'was allowed', then 'He was' again. Hmmm... He had his very own disposable camera, and could take whatever pictures he wanted. (I know, I know, it's not quite the same thing, right? I'm just trying to switch it around to show you the difference.)
open(-)mouthed
"No, we want them to ...(.) That's why we used the code word ... so they know ..."
(If you are starting a new sentence after an ellipsis, you need a period.)
People were standing ('were standing'/passive. Try 'stood') around on the footpaths, eyes wide, talking through their experiences with friends, colleagues, strangers; anyone that would listen. Some were sobbing (Some sobbed <--I'm on the fence about this one.). Some were trotting (<--think you need to leave this one, Unless you went with 'Others trotted away') away, fear on their faces: the sensible ones.
The air was filled with sirens, near and far. (Sirens, near and far, filled the air. -- see the difference?)
The unofficial cease-fire had become an official one, then a temporary truce that (need this 'that'?) had lasted months and months.
He was saluted by a police officer as he exited the car (A police officer saluted im as he left the car ) and led (the way?) (something's off here, snod.) through a maze of corridors to a large office. There was a pile of in-trays, files and office miscellany against the wall A pile of in-trays, files and office miscellany rested against the wall? - Find a way to rephrase to get rid of the 'There was')
Sean stared out of the window, down at the ordinary people in the street, (<--no comma) walking past their cheap hotel without realising there were heroes inside. ('there were''.....hmm...'heroes resided inside'? Arrgh. Not so good. Probably could leave. But you write well enough to figure something out.)
The floor was littered with debris (Debris littered the floor): bags dropped by commuters, odd women's shoes, glass fragments, shards of metal. And bodies
The Home Secretary carefully picked his way across the concourse, staring at his feet in case he should tread on something; in something, even (consider a dash versus a semicolon. Not quite sure the semicolon works here.)
Surely it was too small ...(.) Oh my God
On the telly a woman was screaming (screamed?) with grief. Podraigh shifted uncomf
"My baby!" she screamed at the reporter (double use 'was screaming', 'screamed'. Maybe 'shrieked', 'cried'?)
and dialled the emergency services (is the double 'l' in dialled the British way, snod. I'm kinda thinkin' it is.)
---Obviously you don't have to adjust ALL the 'was's, 'were's, etc. Just see how many you can get rid of. As you can see from some of my examples, sometimes, it just doesn't work.
Anyway, please PM me when you have the edits done. I'd love to upgrade this.
Take care, and good luck in the contest!
Sissy
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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As ever, your review is comprehensive(!). Yes, dialled is a British thing. I shall leave it a day or so then look at it again with fresh eyes.
Thanks again for your interest
Comment from shimmeringlights
This is such a tragic story and you are right...these situations not only change the lives of individuals and communities, they change the lives of an entire nation. It is so sad that humanity has come to this. Excellent contest entry, it is well written with strong characters and cohesion. It stirs emotions in the reader and compels them to read on. Good luck!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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This is such a tragic story and you are right...these situations not only change the lives of individuals and communities, they change the lives of an entire nation. It is so sad that humanity has come to this. Excellent contest entry, it is well written with strong characters and cohesion. It stirs emotions in the reader and compels them to read on. Good luck!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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I'm flattered, thank you
Comment from Wendyanne
You certainly had me on the edge of my seat with this story snood. It was an unpredictable tale and very emotive. Good luck
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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You certainly had me on the edge of my seat with this story snood. It was an unpredictable tale and very emotive. Good luck
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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snood? Wasn't that a 70's thing. Oh, wait, come to think of it, I am a 70's thing.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you
Comment from paulamack
I loved this story - very vivid (extremely vivid) and a sad reminder that terrorism is a part of our lives whether we like it or not. My two cents on two things: Your first paragraph after the opening line was replete with amazing adjectives but those adjectives almost distracted me from reading the rest of the story. Loved the trash bin description - I could actually see that bomb beneath the empty coffee cups - awesome visual. I was hoping that the story would simply just flow like a river and it did - after the first paragraph. Second, I would have liked to have read a bit more about Podraigh and his reasons for wanting to purge himself and confess. A little history about him would have made his reasons for wanting to confess a little more understandable. Overall, tight and bright and a great read!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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I loved this story - very vivid (extremely vivid) and a sad reminder that terrorism is a part of our lives whether we like it or not. My two cents on two things: Your first paragraph after the opening line was replete with amazing adjectives but those adjectives almost distracted me from reading the rest of the story. Loved the trash bin description - I could actually see that bomb beneath the empty coffee cups - awesome visual. I was hoping that the story would simply just flow like a river and it did - after the first paragraph. Second, I would have liked to have read a bit more about Podraigh and his reasons for wanting to purge himself and confess. A little history about him would have made his reasons for wanting to confess a little more understandable. Overall, tight and bright and a great read!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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You're very kind. Thanks for your thoughts
Comment from Annmuma
A fellow contest entrant!! I have only two small--in fact, really tiny--criticisms. Everytime I read "leant" instead of "leaned," it caused me to slow down and lose a little of the suspense of the story. Same thing with "woken" instead of "awakened." I was in London recently--when the bomb scare happened in the Arts District. In fact, we were in the Arts District at the time, so your story touched a memory. Good story. Good luck in the contest---hope you come in second, right after me!! lol. Love to hear your thoughts on my story "The Light Went Out." thanks, annmuma
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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A fellow contest entrant!! I have only two small--in fact, really tiny--criticisms. Everytime I read "leant" instead of "leaned," it caused me to slow down and lose a little of the suspense of the story. Same thing with "woken" instead of "awakened." I was in London recently--when the bomb scare happened in the Arts District. In fact, we were in the Arts District at the time, so your story touched a memory. Good story. Good luck in the contest---hope you come in second, right after me!! lol. Love to hear your thoughts on my story "The Light Went Out." thanks, annmuma
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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It's the old 'two nations divided by a common language' thing.
Thanks for your review and good wishes. Best of luck to you too
Comment from susie79
Wow, don't really know what to say about this a brilliant heart-wrenching story that brought tears to my eyes. I liked the way that the you allowed the reader to experience the tragedy from 3 different points of view and see how different people were effected by the incident. I cant criticize it in any way.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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Wow, don't really know what to say about this a brilliant heart-wrenching story that brought tears to my eyes. I liked the way that the you allowed the reader to experience the tragedy from 3 different points of view and see how different people were effected by the incident. I cant criticize it in any way.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2007
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
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You're very kind. Thank you for your kind review and the 6. Sorry about making you blub.
