The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 13"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
16 total reviews
Comment from royowen
This has become quite different from anything you've written before Carol, the style is different, these earthbound spectres seeking redemption, or eternal rest, and there connection is this young girl Sandra, they'll have to keep her safe, well done Carol, blessings Roy
Typo : a (figure) of my imagination. Figment?
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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This has become quite different from anything you've written before Carol, the style is different, these earthbound spectres seeking redemption, or eternal rest, and there connection is this young girl Sandra, they'll have to keep her safe, well done Carol, blessings Roy
Typo : a (figure) of my imagination. Figment?
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Yes, this is definitely out of my normal realm and not one I will probably write again..... I truly struggle with every chapter. Thanks for catching my error and I have corrected it.
Smiles, Carol
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Yes, you could be leading a revolution
Comment from robyn corum
Hello, again,
Can't tell you how happy I was to press send - click on my messages and find this at the tip-top. *smile*
Notes, if I may:
1.) you were leading the poor girl into a haunting tea party?"
--> just checking - haunting/haunted
2.) Now, you mind your station, Lorrie. Speaking to me in that tone."
--> Now, you mind your station, Lorrie, speaking to me in that tone."
3.) As her anger flared, a coldness emanated from her wispy figure, and the curtains swayed.
--> This could be seen as petty and if so, I apologize. It's another sign of passive writing. Beginning a sentence with "As...", "After...", "Just as...", etc - are ways to show time has moved, but it slows the action of the story ever so slightly.
--> Her anger flared. A coldness emanated from her wispy figure and the curtains swayed.
4.) His eyes met Victoria's with disdain, and then he focused on Lorrie and Sandra.
--> you use the word focus, so I don't think this works since he can't see both at once -- (are they sitting together?)
5.) Victoria's eyes flared with anger, and her presence seemed to drain the warmth from the air.
--> I think this may be the third time here(?) you've used 'anger' with Victoria - but there are several synonyms that might work well - though you may be doing this intentionally.
--> same with her eyes --
5a.) some of these can be instances of showing vs. telling.
--> Victoria pressed her pretty lips into a fine line and lowered one brow. She lifted her pert chin. When she spoke, each icy, clipped word chilled the room by degrees.
--> you know the characters & could do far better - but I hope you'll see some point to this gibberish.
6.) He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and lost his wife and four-year-old daughter. He will risk everything, including his one chance for redemption, to save Sandra."
--> It may be because I'm coming in so late? I don't understand how Lorrie made that connection. I read it as his wife and daughter had died. What did I miss? Help!!!!???
7.) Lorrie placed her tray on the side table and hurried across the room to Sandra. She was well aware of the confusion the girl must be feeling.
--> head-hopping - can't be in more than one head and seeing more than one person's thoughts in the same segment. I know you know this
8.) "Are they real, a figure of my imagination or--" Sandra stammered--(")are they ghosts--spirits of dead people?"
9.) "They are like us, dear. Souls trapped
--> "LIKE US, DEAR"... well, that's a pretty horrifying answer. ACK!
That's it, believe it or not. *smile*
I'm floundering a bit so I see the need to go back and create a more firm foundation by starting at the beginning - I hope to make a valiant effort. hahahaha (crossed fingers!)
also--I keep thinking about that person recently who made me question everything. Making me hesitate to say anything at all--but then, what good is that? **You, sweet lady, I pray, pray, pray, know me and remember me. Maybe understand where my heart is and that I would NEVER want to discourage you in any way. This story is flaming. I adore it.
And the lovely thing about this business is that we don't have to agree. It's perfectly charming for you to look through this mess, shake your sweet, pretty head, and say, oh, my, there she goes again... the nut.
Please use what you like and happen to agree with (if anything) and hastily toss the rest. (Then wash your hands, maybe.) *smile*
Thanks so much - still beautifully worth a five. I enjoyed! Hugs--
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Hello, again,
Can't tell you how happy I was to press send - click on my messages and find this at the tip-top. *smile*
Notes, if I may:
1.) you were leading the poor girl into a haunting tea party?"
--> just checking - haunting/haunted
2.) Now, you mind your station, Lorrie. Speaking to me in that tone."
--> Now, you mind your station, Lorrie, speaking to me in that tone."
3.) As her anger flared, a coldness emanated from her wispy figure, and the curtains swayed.
--> This could be seen as petty and if so, I apologize. It's another sign of passive writing. Beginning a sentence with "As...", "After...", "Just as...", etc - are ways to show time has moved, but it slows the action of the story ever so slightly.
--> Her anger flared. A coldness emanated from her wispy figure and the curtains swayed.
4.) His eyes met Victoria's with disdain, and then he focused on Lorrie and Sandra.
--> you use the word focus, so I don't think this works since he can't see both at once -- (are they sitting together?)
5.) Victoria's eyes flared with anger, and her presence seemed to drain the warmth from the air.
--> I think this may be the third time here(?) you've used 'anger' with Victoria - but there are several synonyms that might work well - though you may be doing this intentionally.
--> same with her eyes --
5a.) some of these can be instances of showing vs. telling.
--> Victoria pressed her pretty lips into a fine line and lowered one brow. She lifted her pert chin. When she spoke, each icy, clipped word chilled the room by degrees.
--> you know the characters & could do far better - but I hope you'll see some point to this gibberish.
6.) He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and lost his wife and four-year-old daughter. He will risk everything, including his one chance for redemption, to save Sandra."
--> It may be because I'm coming in so late? I don't understand how Lorrie made that connection. I read it as his wife and daughter had died. What did I miss? Help!!!!???
7.) Lorrie placed her tray on the side table and hurried across the room to Sandra. She was well aware of the confusion the girl must be feeling.
--> head-hopping - can't be in more than one head and seeing more than one person's thoughts in the same segment. I know you know this
8.) "Are they real, a figure of my imagination or--" Sandra stammered--(")are they ghosts--spirits of dead people?"
9.) "They are like us, dear. Souls trapped
--> "LIKE US, DEAR"... well, that's a pretty horrifying answer. ACK!
That's it, believe it or not. *smile*
I'm floundering a bit so I see the need to go back and create a more firm foundation by starting at the beginning - I hope to make a valiant effort. hahahaha (crossed fingers!)
also--I keep thinking about that person recently who made me question everything. Making me hesitate to say anything at all--but then, what good is that? **You, sweet lady, I pray, pray, pray, know me and remember me. Maybe understand where my heart is and that I would NEVER want to discourage you in any way. This story is flaming. I adore it.
And the lovely thing about this business is that we don't have to agree. It's perfectly charming for you to look through this mess, shake your sweet, pretty head, and say, oh, my, there she goes again... the nut.
Please use what you like and happen to agree with (if anything) and hastily toss the rest. (Then wash your hands, maybe.) *smile*
Thanks so much - still beautifully worth a five. I enjoyed! Hugs--
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you my dear for all the comments and suggestions. No problem on this end. The only one I believe I didn't make changes on was 6. James who had been talking to Tim and got his background was the one who is dead. He got caught up in something when Sandra was 4 years old and disappeared...actually he was killed and his body never found. His wife and Sandra never knew what happened or where he went. So now he is in purgatory and has risked his one chance at salvation by helping protect Sandra. Does that make my mudpie any clearer?
The story is a struggle for me so I appreciate all the thoughts and pointers.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Frank Malley
It's difficult to jump into a piece 'in medias res' and make adequate sense of it. Begin Again is a skillful writer, and it is only perhaps in deference to my own writer's guidelines that I suggest that she sometimes uses more words than are necessary to complete a moment or a scene. Appositive phrases are wonderful, but can be overdone, as can clarifying adverbial phrases. Let verbs, dialogue, and succinct description fill the needs of the particular fictional moment. Find brief ways to establish or remind the reader who's who.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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It's difficult to jump into a piece 'in medias res' and make adequate sense of it. Begin Again is a skillful writer, and it is only perhaps in deference to my own writer's guidelines that I suggest that she sometimes uses more words than are necessary to complete a moment or a scene. Appositive phrases are wonderful, but can be overdone, as can clarifying adverbial phrases. Let verbs, dialogue, and succinct description fill the needs of the particular fictional moment. Find brief ways to establish or remind the reader who's who.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your awesome comments, suggestions, and review. It seems some readers want more description, and others want less. I agree with using less but got plenty of complaints...maybe I should say preferences not complaints! As for the stars...especially from someone who was new to the story, I am blown away. Thank you so much.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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Be well! I'm stepping into spring, big toe first.
Comment from BethShelby
I asume at least Madaline is still alive? What I am wondering is Sandra supposed to be inheiriting this house or not. It seems it was really the spirits and particulally her father's spirit that thought she could help.
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reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I asume at least Madaline is still alive? What I am wondering is Sandra supposed to be inheiriting this house or not. It seems it was really the spirits and particulally her father's spirit that thought she could help.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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Noah wanted her to have the house, but the spirits needed her to come there too. And of course, yes, it was her father's suggestion. I guess they all felt she was the solution to many things. And Madeline was saved as well and given Lorrie's tea.... thus the thorn in James's side is comatose for now.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was a fabulous chapter, Carol. I kept looking at the side to see how far down the page I'd got, hoping there was lots more to come. You have worked the ghosts in beautifully, and I'm glad Sandra is determined to help them. But where is the book? And, how do they get rid of Madeline? There is so much more to unravel and I can't wait! xx Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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This was a fabulous chapter, Carol. I kept looking at the side to see how far down the page I'd got, hoping there was lots more to come. You have worked the ghosts in beautifully, and I'm glad Sandra is determined to help them. But where is the book? And, how do they get rid of Madeline? There is so much more to unravel and I can't wait! xx Sandra xxx
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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My prayers were answered. LOL Just sent off a pm to you because I was worried...Silly me! It's so strange because originally I thought the story would begin with James explaining what they needed, instead thirteen chapters later, we definitely had a whole lot happening before we got here. And I am glad that I didn't cave in and stop writing the story. Though I still find it difficult to know exactly what to write, I think it is good for my first time at full-fledged ghosts. Not smooth, but good. Thanks as always for all your encouragement. And definitely, thank you for makingmy day with the stars...My heart soars!!!
Have a great day, my dear friend.
Smiles, hugs and love, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I want to discover the secrets myself. This is an excellent write. My only suggestion would be carefully with your use of 'continued.' It's a great word, but you've used it often and it becomes redundant. In one paragraph you used it twice.
Victoria spat, leaving a cold, icy sensation in the room, "Trying to follow in his grandfather's footsteps?" (room.)
Mournful whispering floated from Victoria's being before she spoke. "I'm sorry. (spoke,)
James answered this time. "He's not a boy any longer. (time,)
Sandra stammered--are they ghosts--spirits of dead people?" ("Are)
Shaking her head, Sandra gulped, (gulped.)
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reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I want to discover the secrets myself. This is an excellent write. My only suggestion would be carefully with your use of 'continued.' It's a great word, but you've used it often and it becomes redundant. In one paragraph you used it twice.
Victoria spat, leaving a cold, icy sensation in the room, "Trying to follow in his grandfather's footsteps?" (room.)
Mournful whispering floated from Victoria's being before she spoke. "I'm sorry. (spoke,)
James answered this time. "He's not a boy any longer. (time,)
Sandra stammered--are they ghosts--spirits of dead people?" ("Are)
Shaking her head, Sandra gulped, (gulped.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2024
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I need an app that tells me when I keep using the same words...my vocabulary must be failing for sure...relying on the same phrases over and over. Someone else mentioned it with chills up your spine....I didn't even notice regardless of how many times I read it until someone points it out. Thank you! And as for the commas and periods...there is no hope! I believe I have fixed them.
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We all do it. use your 'find' to search for the words you know you overuse. It will tell you where they're at.
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Thanks! I'll try that!
Have a great day....Hugs, Carol
