Return To Concorde Valley
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Return to Concorde Valley"Fantasy based on the intersection of two worlds.
23 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
Wonderful to see you posting again!
What a marvelous first chapter for a new book. It draws the reader in with the tragic beginning, then transitions quickly into a fantasy world where a strange, but friendly character squeezes through a gap to appear before Echo. Perhaps that gap is a portal between worlds.
The two characters are well drawn, each rooted nicely to their own world.
Anhos' world is both the same and different from Echo's, similar to ancient Greece with the Olympics and Festivals. I wasn't quite sure whether nobody had TVs, computers and phones, or just Anthos' family.
His world sounds a lot like the world I grew up in, playing outside games, climbing in trees. (No computers or cell phones, though we did have TVs :) )
Great beginning. Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Hello Rhonda,
Wonderful to see you posting again!
What a marvelous first chapter for a new book. It draws the reader in with the tragic beginning, then transitions quickly into a fantasy world where a strange, but friendly character squeezes through a gap to appear before Echo. Perhaps that gap is a portal between worlds.
The two characters are well drawn, each rooted nicely to their own world.
Anhos' world is both the same and different from Echo's, similar to ancient Greece with the Olympics and Festivals. I wasn't quite sure whether nobody had TVs, computers and phones, or just Anthos' family.
His world sounds a lot like the world I grew up in, playing outside games, climbing in trees. (No computers or cell phones, though we did have TVs :) )
Great beginning. Good luck in the contest.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for your careful and honest review, Robert.
As always, you have a finger on the pulse of my work. Definitely a portal of some sort, though not time.
I?ll go back and clarify the electronic aspect. None of his people have them, though at least a few are aware they exist.
I appreciate the six stars and the support, my friend,
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed reading this chapter and I think this wll be a very good book. I am anxious to read more. I think this is a nice entry for the contest about the first chapter of a book.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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I enjoyed reading this chapter and I think this wll be a very good book. I am anxious to read more. I think this is a nice entry for the contest about the first chapter of a book.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for your review, Beth, and I do hope you follow it.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Teri7
Rhonda, This is a very well written First Book Chapter you have penned for the contest. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I look forward to reading some more. love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Rhonda, This is a very well written First Book Chapter you have penned for the contest. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I look forward to reading some more. love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2023
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Thank you for your wonderful review, Teri. Have a great day!
Comment from Pam (respa)
Great cover, Rhonda. It looks like this is going to continue. I sure hope so because this is really good. You haven't missed a beat and can still tell a story. I love the two characters, especially the little girl since she was the main one we learned about. Everything flows well from scene to scene.
I wasn't sure what direction the story was going in at the beginning. It was really sad, and I didn't know what was going to happen to the girl. I thought she was in the house, and I think you wanted us to think that! Well done.
With the name choices and things that Theo described, I think we are going to be in a different realm. You did a good job describing the Festival and games, which seem to go back to the Greek games, especially since Theo's real name is Anthos.
He is a very kind boy and makes sure that Echo is well taken care of. I don't think I would have been thrilled about eating fish, but at least he was going to prepare it. And when you're hungry just about anything will do.
I wondered why he couldn't take Echo to his home, although he did say it was far away, and probably going back in time, too. I wonder if you have some time travel involved in this story.
I like the ending as Theo made the dinner the way his mother had taught him. It is an excellent chapter, and I hope you do well in the contest, and continue the story. I loved it!!!!
She is a bright girl and had listened to what her parents had told her. Thank goodness she wasn't near the house. I was glad the one neighbor had spoken up, but Echo had taken care of herself for someone so young.
Two very small things: I don't think Birthday needs to be capitalized in the beginning.
*He reached out a hand to grasped hers. [grasp]
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Great cover, Rhonda. It looks like this is going to continue. I sure hope so because this is really good. You haven't missed a beat and can still tell a story. I love the two characters, especially the little girl since she was the main one we learned about. Everything flows well from scene to scene.
I wasn't sure what direction the story was going in at the beginning. It was really sad, and I didn't know what was going to happen to the girl. I thought she was in the house, and I think you wanted us to think that! Well done.
With the name choices and things that Theo described, I think we are going to be in a different realm. You did a good job describing the Festival and games, which seem to go back to the Greek games, especially since Theo's real name is Anthos.
He is a very kind boy and makes sure that Echo is well taken care of. I don't think I would have been thrilled about eating fish, but at least he was going to prepare it. And when you're hungry just about anything will do.
I wondered why he couldn't take Echo to his home, although he did say it was far away, and probably going back in time, too. I wonder if you have some time travel involved in this story.
I like the ending as Theo made the dinner the way his mother had taught him. It is an excellent chapter, and I hope you do well in the contest, and continue the story. I loved it!!!!
She is a bright girl and had listened to what her parents had told her. Thank goodness she wasn't near the house. I was glad the one neighbor had spoken up, but Echo had taken care of herself for someone so young.
Two very small things: I don't think Birthday needs to be capitalized in the beginning.
*He reached out a hand to grasped hers. [grasp]
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Hi Pam,
Thank you for the lovely 6 stars!! What a welcome gift!
I'm glad to be back with novels again. I had to sort of force myself to do it by entering the contest.
You nailed the Greek Mythology element. There's a very big reason he can't take her to his home. It isn't so much time travel as it is a journey into another realm. She'll end up there, eventually, but not yet.
I do intend to go further with it. I think once started, the ball will roll!
I tried to make his meal something simple that a youth could have been taught so he could share it with Echo. I'm glad you picked up on it.
Thanks for finding the spag. I wasn't sure on the word Birthday, so thanks for that, and the other was a revision I didn't clean up, lol.
Thank you again,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Rhonda. I appreciate your reply highlighting the things you liked about the review. I am glad this jump started your desire to continue.
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Again, your help and support is invaluable!
Comment from Mike Stevens
Surprised to see your name come up as having new writing up for review, Rhonda. How have you been? Excellent as usual. You have much more patience than I ever had. My days of writing 2 or 3 pages are over, let alone whole novels
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Surprised to see your name come up as having new writing up for review, Rhonda. How have you been? Excellent as usual. You have much more patience than I ever had. My days of writing 2 or 3 pages are over, let alone whole novels
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Hi Mike!!! I've missed you. I've been on here off and on, but not much as far as writing.
I hope I can get back into the novels like I used to.
Take care my friend,
Rhonda
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I managed to make it through exactly one novel years ago that I recently started to edit, why I don't know, as I have no plans to send it out. So far, Im on the 3rd or 4th read through, and I find mistakes every time
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I managed to make it through exactly one novel years ago that I recently started to edit, why I don't know, as I have no plans to send it out. So far, Im on the 3rd or 4th read through, and I find mistakes every time
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Yeah, I find errors all the time, too. That's why I put it on here. People help me find them!
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See, you're a heck of a lot smarter than me, and I'm so sick of my book!
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We all get sick of them by the end of all the editing and revising, but, hey, it's a job... Actually, I don't know what I would do if I had to write for a living!
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I'd starve, I couldn't
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I would be miserable.
Comment from lyenochka
Yay!! You are writing books again, Rhonda! Good to see you back! Great opening chapter. (Is it 2,000 words? I know that's what made me give up as I can't write such long chapters. I know I'll lose interest before the reader!)
Love how you showed us so much about the fire disaster from the eyes and ears of the little one! Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Yay!! You are writing books again, Rhonda! Good to see you back! Great opening chapter. (Is it 2,000 words? I know that's what made me give up as I can't write such long chapters. I know I'll lose interest before the reader!)
Love how you showed us so much about the fire disaster from the eyes and ears of the little one! Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you for the review, Helen. I am really glad to jump back into writing the novels. It took a lot of talking to myself to do it, but I'm too wordy for short stories, lol.
It is over 2000 words. I didn't notice the requirement, but Sally Law pointed it out to me, so I added to it. Normally, I make the chapters short so they aren't so long for people to read, but the requirement had to be met.
Again,
Thank you so much!!
Rhonda
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Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a well written prose with good dialogue in clear, well-spaced text (always welcome). We hear about Echo's flight from this house fire in which her parents seem to have perished. In the forest she meets Theo and their friendship gets off to a good start but the boy's background is a mystery and thus the element of suspense as we wonder how this quite worldly character might influence Echo. There is one line that is problematic for me: My father says where they make people.....? But this is an excellent start to your fantasy story, Rhonda. Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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This is a well written prose with good dialogue in clear, well-spaced text (always welcome). We hear about Echo's flight from this house fire in which her parents seem to have perished. In the forest she meets Theo and their friendship gets off to a good start but the boy's background is a mystery and thus the element of suspense as we wonder how this quite worldly character might influence Echo. There is one line that is problematic for me: My father says where they make people.....? But this is an excellent start to your fantasy story, Rhonda. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Debbie, thank you so much for your helpful review. Your comments will help guide my constant revision. I'll check that sentence. Thanks for pointing it out,
Rhonda
Comment from forestport12
I'm rooting for you. Worthy entry. I'm usually not a fantasy genre guy but the emotion u fused in the beginning and the lively prose connected with a dialogue moving the story along, had me at start. Without presuming too much, I'm feeling a kind of C.S. Lewis influence here, which I love. As a first chapter there's an undercurrent of confidence here on what you want to do with it too. Best wishes and blessings.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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I'm rooting for you. Worthy entry. I'm usually not a fantasy genre guy but the emotion u fused in the beginning and the lively prose connected with a dialogue moving the story along, had me at start. Without presuming too much, I'm feeling a kind of C.S. Lewis influence here, which I love. As a first chapter there's an undercurrent of confidence here on what you want to do with it too. Best wishes and blessings.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for the 6 stars, my friend. What a nice gift, and especially since you aren't a fan of fantasy.
Such a compliment about CS Lewis, one of my favorite authors. He's much better at the allegories, but I do have Christian leanings in it.
Thank you for saying I am confident, which I really wish was true, lol. Like most everyone else on here, I hold by breath and hope for the best when posting.
Again, much thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from prettybluebirds
Your first chapter sound like the beginning of an excellent story. It encourages the reader to continue reading to see where the writing will take them. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Your first chapter sound like the beginning of an excellent story. It encourages the reader to continue reading to see where the writing will take them. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for the review, prettybluebirds! I'm glad you took the time to read it and to leave your thoughts.
Have a great week,
Rhonda
Comment from royowen
Echo is obviously terrified making herself known to the men that had covered her parents with blankets despite the heat, so s she slinks away from the scene she has just witnessed, gets caught in a thicket, and is respired by a boy called Theo, who catches fish with his bare hands, it's so good to see you back Rhonda, well done,, blessings Roy
Typo : So ensnar(l)ed
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Echo is obviously terrified making herself known to the men that had covered her parents with blankets despite the heat, so s she slinks away from the scene she has just witnessed, gets caught in a thicket, and is respired by a boy called Theo, who catches fish with his bare hands, it's so good to see you back Rhonda, well done,, blessings Roy
Typo : So ensnar(l)ed
Comment Written 20-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2023
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Hi Roy,
Thank you for your careful review of this long passage. I usually make them shorter, but the prompt called for 2000+ words.
I changed ensnarled to entangled. I think it sounds much better.
Thank you,
Rhonda
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Yes that?s good Rhonda, well done,
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Thank you.
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Bless you Rhonda
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Thank you Roy!!!
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Bless you Rhonda, I meant to give you six.
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Oh, that's okay. I often don't have 6's left after Sunday, lol. I'll take the intent.
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Bless you dear girl,
