Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Greedy!"Experiences of living
191 total reviews
Comment from DJ MacDonald
Nice choice of words here, but the theme seems to slip past in the fact that the lines don't actually make reading sense, "Pass words instant any" "mess wise world's ever". although this is a strict form and hard one at that, the words put together have to actually make proper use of English and context, I think this is the best line in the poem "Like fools wise or wise fools who dance " it makes a lot of sense and people think of what you are trying to say more, you need to restructure the lines a little more my friend to make more sense to the reader, the words just don't flow and they seem rather strung together in a forced way.
Kind regards
Dion
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Nice choice of words here, but the theme seems to slip past in the fact that the lines don't actually make reading sense, "Pass words instant any" "mess wise world's ever". although this is a strict form and hard one at that, the words put together have to actually make proper use of English and context, I think this is the best line in the poem "Like fools wise or wise fools who dance " it makes a lot of sense and people think of what you are trying to say more, you need to restructure the lines a little more my friend to make more sense to the reader, the words just don't flow and they seem rather strung together in a forced way.
Kind regards
Dion
Comment Written 19-May-2006
Comment from MikeSamford
MARINISM
Excessive ornateness marked by the use of extravagant metaphors, so named from the 17th century Italian poet, Giambattista Marino, and his school of followers.
MIXED METAPHOR
A metaphor whose elements are either incongruent or contradictory by the use of incompatible identifications, such as "the dog pulled in its horns" or "to take arms against a sea of troubles."
MONOMETER (muh-NAH-muh-tur)
A line of verse consisting of a single metrical foot or dipody,
EMPATHY
The feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity one experiences when hearing or reading of some event or activity of others, thus imagining the same sensations as that of those actually experiencing them.
This and more I find in your fine poem.
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MARINISM
Excessive ornateness marked by the use of extravagant metaphors, so named from the 17th century Italian poet, Giambattista Marino, and his school of followers.
MIXED METAPHOR
A metaphor whose elements are either incongruent or contradictory by the use of incompatible identifications, such as "the dog pulled in its horns" or "to take arms against a sea of troubles."
MONOMETER (muh-NAH-muh-tur)
A line of verse consisting of a single metrical foot or dipody,
EMPATHY
The feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity one experiences when hearing or reading of some event or activity of others, thus imagining the same sensations as that of those actually experiencing them.
This and more I find in your fine poem.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from kcastle11
ALCREATOR WRITER
It may be that I'm tired but you have somehow managed to entertain me while confusing me half to death. I love the poem though. Great word choice and great style of poem.
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ALCREATOR WRITER
It may be that I'm tired but you have somehow managed to entertain me while confusing me half to death. I love the poem though. Great word choice and great style of poem.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from Brindle
That's a very succinct way of putting it, the greed ( and ingratitude) of man, AW. The world is still beautiful though; every drop of acknowledgment of this will make it truer still.
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That's a very succinct way of putting it, the greed ( and ingratitude) of man, AW. The world is still beautiful though; every drop of acknowledgment of this will make it truer still.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from rawsyntax
You are working with a large theme - "Greed". But it seems rather neatly packaged in a poem, that flows well, but seems to fail to address the deep issues and affects of greed in a materialistic society. Overall, your writing is good, but I don't know that fully exhausted the theme.
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You are working with a large theme - "Greed". But it seems rather neatly packaged in a poem, that flows well, but seems to fail to address the deep issues and affects of greed in a materialistic society. Overall, your writing is good, but I don't know that fully exhausted the theme.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from volunteer angel
This is almost a tongue twister. As a rictameter the syllables are fine. I have to read it over and over to try and get the message however. Your notes above the poem are a little confusing too. "Pass words instant any", did you mean that instant and any are passwords? It's hard to figure out what your true meaning is here. But I'll give you a five for confusing me anyway. V.A.
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This is almost a tongue twister. As a rictameter the syllables are fine. I have to read it over and over to try and get the message however. Your notes above the poem are a little confusing too. "Pass words instant any", did you mean that instant and any are passwords? It's hard to figure out what your true meaning is here. But I'll give you a five for confusing me anyway. V.A.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from Allison F.
I have no idea what you are trying to communicate to me here. I'm not sure this form is working for whatever it is you are trying to get across. I've read this over and over and I still don't know. View greed ever? Pass words instant any? What does this mean? I think you should drop the form and try to make sense without worrying about syllables. Forms are great but hard to pull off sometimes. I think this is one of those times. I have no idea where you could actually submit this and get it accepted. I hate to be harsh but this makes not a bit of sense. Also, why the exclamation points? You have no other punctuation. I'm just-baffled.
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I have no idea what you are trying to communicate to me here. I'm not sure this form is working for whatever it is you are trying to get across. I've read this over and over and I still don't know. View greed ever? Pass words instant any? What does this mean? I think you should drop the form and try to make sense without worrying about syllables. Forms are great but hard to pull off sometimes. I think this is one of those times. I have no idea where you could actually submit this and get it accepted. I hate to be harsh but this makes not a bit of sense. Also, why the exclamation points? You have no other punctuation. I'm just-baffled.
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from chelsmor
I usually don't pay much attention to author notes, but this:
Wise views timelessly!
What a wisdom irony!
really added to my enjoyment of the rictameter.
Wise views timelessly. In other words, wisdom comes way too late
for us to recreate our own lives - and wisdom is rarely appreciated by
those who have the time to benefit from it being shared with them.
I love the way that made me think around in a circle for awhile.
The poem is the perfect rictameter - which I only learned here,
my style is free, as you know, and not structured, so I must learn appreciation
of the effort which goes into such a restrictive form.
However, you have taken a very tight format which insists on
coloring within the lines
and made it abstract! I love that.
Like a Paul Klee painting.
I got the message, had to work at it, look at it for a long time,
just like I would admire an abstract in a gallery.
Chelsmor
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I usually don't pay much attention to author notes, but this:
Wise views timelessly!
What a wisdom irony!
really added to my enjoyment of the rictameter.
Wise views timelessly. In other words, wisdom comes way too late
for us to recreate our own lives - and wisdom is rarely appreciated by
those who have the time to benefit from it being shared with them.
I love the way that made me think around in a circle for awhile.
The poem is the perfect rictameter - which I only learned here,
my style is free, as you know, and not structured, so I must learn appreciation
of the effort which goes into such a restrictive form.
However, you have taken a very tight format which insists on
coloring within the lines
and made it abstract! I love that.
Like a Paul Klee painting.
I got the message, had to work at it, look at it for a long time,
just like I would admire an abstract in a gallery.
Chelsmor
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from GeorgeRoberts
Interesting. Makes me think of the music industry and the waste involved in CD/DVD distribution and the music companies building an 'artists' image to make quick cash from the teen market. The line 'Wink, callous of why, how, who created' is something I feel I have encountered quite often with short-term profiteers. It seems for some the only focus is profit not long-term consequences, and what their children will inherit...from the earth! Very thought evoking. Kind regards - GeorgeRoberts (PS> Not sure what you expect from a reviewer after reading your profile. I imagine many/most people on FS are amateurs possibly wanting to become pro's. I'm a scientist, and an amateur writer working towards becoming pro., and am trying to write positive, constructive, and honest reviews. Occasionally I need to say 'I don't understand that bit. Are you saying this...?' However, I will consider your review issues also. Please be patient with us amateurs. Many thanks. )
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Interesting. Makes me think of the music industry and the waste involved in CD/DVD distribution and the music companies building an 'artists' image to make quick cash from the teen market. The line 'Wink, callous of why, how, who created' is something I feel I have encountered quite often with short-term profiteers. It seems for some the only focus is profit not long-term consequences, and what their children will inherit...from the earth! Very thought evoking. Kind regards - GeorgeRoberts (PS> Not sure what you expect from a reviewer after reading your profile. I imagine many/most people on FS are amateurs possibly wanting to become pro's. I'm a scientist, and an amateur writer working towards becoming pro., and am trying to write positive, constructive, and honest reviews. Occasionally I need to say 'I don't understand that bit. Are you saying this...?' However, I will consider your review issues also. Please be patient with us amateurs. Many thanks. )
Comment Written 18-May-2006
Comment from aBoxofBrokenCrayons
Awesome write, man! I like the play of words: wise fools or fools wise. The syllable count is perfect and the message is deeper than their pockets! Thanks for sharing.
Paul-
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Awesome write, man! I like the play of words: wise fools or fools wise. The syllable count is perfect and the message is deeper than their pockets! Thanks for sharing.
Paul-
Comment Written 18-May-2006
