Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Errors!"Experiences of living
148 total reviews
Comment from ishta
Yes, the perfect world syndrome. It touches all of our structures. It is something that should be introduced to the DNA. Thanks, cute piece.
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Yes, the perfect world syndrome. It touches all of our structures. It is something that should be introduced to the DNA. Thanks, cute piece.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2006
Comment from tombard
This is undoubtedly the best work I have read of yours, riding the fine line between thoughts and the expression of ideas.
Please don't "stray" too far from the basic concept that writing is, in the end simply, communication. Best wishes. Tom..
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This is undoubtedly the best work I have read of yours, riding the fine line between thoughts and the expression of ideas.
Please don't "stray" too far from the basic concept that writing is, in the end simply, communication. Best wishes. Tom..
Comment Written 05-Apr-2006
Comment from kkholder
Whew! and people call me deep! I've got nothing on you, sir!
No, seriously, I think I get it... but it might be hard to publish except for... hmm...in the Metaphysical Digest.
I liked the wink. That was clever. Unreal and perfect. This pretty much pulls it together.
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Whew! and people call me deep! I've got nothing on you, sir!
No, seriously, I think I get it... but it might be hard to publish except for... hmm...in the Metaphysical Digest.
I liked the wink. That was clever. Unreal and perfect. This pretty much pulls it together.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2006
Comment from Wyld Mumsy
Hi, Alcreator again!
I like your poem, I really do. I don't believe Tanka poems rhyme but I'm not quite sure. The last two lines rhyme. I may have confused this with Haiku or Sen, but anyway....
Suggestions:
Your counts are off.
If man were perfect -5
There had been another world - 7
Truly unreal - 4 (unreal is two, believe it or not. You could add another short syllable word here, I'm sure. It's a fairly easy line.
Ne'er wink, above is He - 7 I'd like to see "Never" spelled out. Just my opinion.
Who is error-blunder free -7
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Hi, Alcreator again!
I like your poem, I really do. I don't believe Tanka poems rhyme but I'm not quite sure. The last two lines rhyme. I may have confused this with Haiku or Sen, but anyway....
Suggestions:
Your counts are off.
If man were perfect -5
There had been another world - 7
Truly unreal - 4 (unreal is two, believe it or not. You could add another short syllable word here, I'm sure. It's a fairly easy line.
Ne'er wink, above is He - 7 I'd like to see "Never" spelled out. Just my opinion.
Who is error-blunder free -7
Comment Written 04-Apr-2006
Comment from G.B. Smith
If man were perfect
There had been another world
Truly unreal
Ne'er wink, above is He
Who is error-blunder free
Reads rough but the closing line is right on the money
Bear
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If man were perfect
There had been another world
Truly unreal
Ne'er wink, above is He
Who is error-blunder free
Reads rough but the closing line is right on the money
Bear
Comment Written 04-Apr-2006
Comment from sandramarie
Well, I'm not sure I agree with the ideology of this poem. However, it is thought-provoking. I just look around and wonder if He hasn't also made some mistakes. But that's a different conversation.
Thanks for sharing.
Sandy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Well, I'm not sure I agree with the ideology of this poem. However, it is thought-provoking. I just look around and wonder if He hasn't also made some mistakes. But that's a different conversation.
Thanks for sharing.
Sandy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2006
Comment from Econ Teacher
I am having a hard time with this one.
You have an "if" in the first statement, but there doesn't seem to be a conclusion to the conditional statement.
It were unreal
It isn't plural and so it would sound better to be "was" instead of "were"
In the last line, it sounds like you saying. He is error. The comma makes you pause and it sounds like you are saying something wrong.
I suggest: Free of errors and blunders.
You can pull this off since the prior line is referring to "He"
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I am having a hard time with this one.
You have an "if" in the first statement, but there doesn't seem to be a conclusion to the conditional statement.
It were unreal
It isn't plural and so it would sound better to be "was" instead of "were"
In the last line, it sounds like you saying. He is error. The comma makes you pause and it sounds like you are saying something wrong.
I suggest: Free of errors and blunders.
You can pull this off since the prior line is referring to "He"
Comment Written 04-Apr-2006
Comment from Armourdude
How would man ever learn anything if he was not to make erros? Do we remember when everthing is perfect and goes right? If everyhting stays perfect they why strive?
These are all the things your poem made me think of. If you made me think then getting your message across in a poem was a success.
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How would man ever learn anything if he was not to make erros? Do we remember when everthing is perfect and goes right? If everyhting stays perfect they why strive?
These are all the things your poem made me think of. If you made me think then getting your message across in a poem was a success.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2006
