Lake Of Dreams
Crown of Sonnets182 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Wow--what a magnificent work! Rich in passion and romantic nuance and extremely POETIC!
Delicious phrasing with fine phonetics in an abundance of poetic devices like alliteration, consonance and assonance (too many to list all! for such a long poem but I did note them and do applaud them!) How I wish I could give this six stars but there is still some fine tuning to be done...a few spag issues (for sake of ease of read) and a handful of lines with forced scansion, though i also applaud the flawless meter and flow of all other lines not noted with issues below..
The opening paints a vivid portrait of the setting and tone...with delicious alliteration of V, B, L and consonance of S
Beneath the vast expanse of violet sky,
beside a lake of dreams we gently laid
in lively meadows which can never die
and wandered by the golden bows arrayed
in silver bells and blossoms flaming-red.
Love the rhyme pair laid and arrayed!
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
into the lake of beauty made for you.
And there above the water's calming swell
we sat and watched the swallows flit and wing
and sipped sweet nectar as the shadows fell
with softest starlight 'round us gathering.
The abundance of W and S sound in this makes also exquisite phonetics and the tone and tenor of the mood and imagery is delightful.
One suggestion not to repeat WE twice in a row here-
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
Optional edit-
So light within each other's arms we flew,
and danced where streams of magic water fed
*
Beside a lake of dreams we made our bed
its open window to the solemn sky
we watched the ever-last of stars that bled
as sparkles of the world began to fly.
The voicing is awkward grammatically and also spaggy. May I suggest an alternative?
Beside a lake of dreams we made our bed
with window open to the solemn sky--
we watched the ever-last of stars that bled
as sparkles of the world began to fly.
Love the imagery!
* Comma suggestions to improve ease of read-
Oh please(,) my love(,) won't you decide for me
to make our bed without a certain frame
so everything we do in it is free?
I love you more in this(,) our perfect place(,)
where none can come without our loving grace.
Beautiful lines. Exquisite!
*
and trace my hands over your silken breast.
and TRACE my HANDS oVER your SILKen BREAST
The word OVER is forced to accentuate the wrong syllable.
As scansion is off in meter for this line, I have a suggestion:
I watch you dance in garlands and in lace --
my hands trace over your soft silken breast.
*
There we possess the light within a star,
we arc through air as birds of rapture fly
and wing where diamonds glisten near and far
within the prisms of our love so high.
Lovely. Beautiful! Divine!!
Also suggest not repeating the pronoun WE twice. Consider
There we possess the light within a star,
and arc through air as birds of rapture fly
(NOTE_-please read each suggestion aloud as it is from reading aloud that I notice the need t=for tweaking. So this way you can compare and decide which you like best).
*
Some nights we reach out and we hold so tight
that all the stars in heaven could not tell
if we were lost in love's own sheer delight
for which my heart in spangled corners fell.
Love the imagery and phrasing except for the use of WE twice in one line.
here's an idea:
Some nights we reach and hold each other tight
so all the stars in heaven could not tell
*
I cry for joy when e'er you ride the winds
to me you came and let the music play;
The punctuation is awkward here. Consier
I cry for joy when e'er you ride the winds.
To me, you came and let the music play;
with sweetest sounds your heart beats and it sends
amazing testimony of your way.
Love the phrasing except testimony is forced scansion making accent on the wrong syllable
TEST-i-MON-y is how it should be but here it is
test-I-mon-Y
Wonderful enjambment here (and in the whole poem) and these lines roll off the tongue- Superb consonance of L and S
Just stay with me beside the lake till dawn,
when steamy mists rise all around and light
swirls 'round as pastels on a canvas drawn,
to watch the colors of the day turn bright.
*
within our bed of flowers(,) each divine(,)
*
that bear the most delicious fruit(, or --) and feast.
A dash there would give a nicer long dramatic pause (my preference0 but a comma will do. with no punctuation the line is grammatically awkward.
*
Soon after(,) we will climb the mountain's peak
*
To revel in the pleasures that we seek
W(w)ill bring the finest times we so desire,
Love these lines-
a time to sink into what is unique
and ride as if the wind were set on fire.
There is a slightly forced scansion on the word 'into' but this may be due to differing diction. Not sure.
*
upon my breast your hands are laid so soft,
as if you fear to touch me on this night (need a ; or -- or . here)
I feel a surge of passion yet unscoffed.
*
The very breath of you brings me alive(.)
t(T)o hear the night, in whisper, say its name
excites me so I can't control my drive
to hurry you and then to lose my shame.
Clever lines!
Outstanding closing couplet!-
I see as if the darkness had no eyes,
my world is made of all your endless sighs.
Exceptional sonnet here--pitch perfect, memorable and eloquent with rich nuance of emotional overtones, passion and fine imagery-
My world is made of all your endless sighs,
as high above the lake of dreams we whirl
and dance as one to watch the sun arise,
while clouds pass in a trail of purest pearl.
We are within each other turned to dream,
as from the mountain's peak we rise and soar
into the air where clouds of amber stream,
then land as light as feathers on the shore.
So sweet you are there gathered in my hands,
where we are intertwined in graceful peace
as turquoise waters lap against the sands,
it's then I know our love shall never cease.
There by the lake of dreams I hear your sigh,
beneath the vast expanse of violet sky.
Normally with the issues noted above I'd give a four, but as this would otherwise be a six-caliber work, I give five.
Quite impressive and delicious. one of my favorite posts from you!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
  |
Wow--what a magnificent work! Rich in passion and romantic nuance and extremely POETIC!
Delicious phrasing with fine phonetics in an abundance of poetic devices like alliteration, consonance and assonance (too many to list all! for such a long poem but I did note them and do applaud them!) How I wish I could give this six stars but there is still some fine tuning to be done...a few spag issues (for sake of ease of read) and a handful of lines with forced scansion, though i also applaud the flawless meter and flow of all other lines not noted with issues below..
The opening paints a vivid portrait of the setting and tone...with delicious alliteration of V, B, L and consonance of S
Beneath the vast expanse of violet sky,
beside a lake of dreams we gently laid
in lively meadows which can never die
and wandered by the golden bows arrayed
in silver bells and blossoms flaming-red.
Love the rhyme pair laid and arrayed!
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
into the lake of beauty made for you.
And there above the water's calming swell
we sat and watched the swallows flit and wing
and sipped sweet nectar as the shadows fell
with softest starlight 'round us gathering.
The abundance of W and S sound in this makes also exquisite phonetics and the tone and tenor of the mood and imagery is delightful.
One suggestion not to repeat WE twice in a row here-
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
Optional edit-
So light within each other's arms we flew,
and danced where streams of magic water fed
*
Beside a lake of dreams we made our bed
its open window to the solemn sky
we watched the ever-last of stars that bled
as sparkles of the world began to fly.
The voicing is awkward grammatically and also spaggy. May I suggest an alternative?
Beside a lake of dreams we made our bed
with window open to the solemn sky--
we watched the ever-last of stars that bled
as sparkles of the world began to fly.
Love the imagery!
* Comma suggestions to improve ease of read-
Oh please(,) my love(,) won't you decide for me
to make our bed without a certain frame
so everything we do in it is free?
I love you more in this(,) our perfect place(,)
where none can come without our loving grace.
Beautiful lines. Exquisite!
*
and trace my hands over your silken breast.
and TRACE my HANDS oVER your SILKen BREAST
The word OVER is forced to accentuate the wrong syllable.
As scansion is off in meter for this line, I have a suggestion:
I watch you dance in garlands and in lace --
my hands trace over your soft silken breast.
*
There we possess the light within a star,
we arc through air as birds of rapture fly
and wing where diamonds glisten near and far
within the prisms of our love so high.
Lovely. Beautiful! Divine!!
Also suggest not repeating the pronoun WE twice. Consider
There we possess the light within a star,
and arc through air as birds of rapture fly
(NOTE_-please read each suggestion aloud as it is from reading aloud that I notice the need t=for tweaking. So this way you can compare and decide which you like best).
*
Some nights we reach out and we hold so tight
that all the stars in heaven could not tell
if we were lost in love's own sheer delight
for which my heart in spangled corners fell.
Love the imagery and phrasing except for the use of WE twice in one line.
here's an idea:
Some nights we reach and hold each other tight
so all the stars in heaven could not tell
*
I cry for joy when e'er you ride the winds
to me you came and let the music play;
The punctuation is awkward here. Consier
I cry for joy when e'er you ride the winds.
To me, you came and let the music play;
with sweetest sounds your heart beats and it sends
amazing testimony of your way.
Love the phrasing except testimony is forced scansion making accent on the wrong syllable
TEST-i-MON-y is how it should be but here it is
test-I-mon-Y
Wonderful enjambment here (and in the whole poem) and these lines roll off the tongue- Superb consonance of L and S
Just stay with me beside the lake till dawn,
when steamy mists rise all around and light
swirls 'round as pastels on a canvas drawn,
to watch the colors of the day turn bright.
*
within our bed of flowers(,) each divine(,)
*
that bear the most delicious fruit(, or --) and feast.
A dash there would give a nicer long dramatic pause (my preference0 but a comma will do. with no punctuation the line is grammatically awkward.
*
Soon after(,) we will climb the mountain's peak
*
To revel in the pleasures that we seek
W(w)ill bring the finest times we so desire,
Love these lines-
a time to sink into what is unique
and ride as if the wind were set on fire.
There is a slightly forced scansion on the word 'into' but this may be due to differing diction. Not sure.
*
upon my breast your hands are laid so soft,
as if you fear to touch me on this night (need a ; or -- or . here)
I feel a surge of passion yet unscoffed.
*
The very breath of you brings me alive(.)
t(T)o hear the night, in whisper, say its name
excites me so I can't control my drive
to hurry you and then to lose my shame.
Clever lines!
Outstanding closing couplet!-
I see as if the darkness had no eyes,
my world is made of all your endless sighs.
Exceptional sonnet here--pitch perfect, memorable and eloquent with rich nuance of emotional overtones, passion and fine imagery-
My world is made of all your endless sighs,
as high above the lake of dreams we whirl
and dance as one to watch the sun arise,
while clouds pass in a trail of purest pearl.
We are within each other turned to dream,
as from the mountain's peak we rise and soar
into the air where clouds of amber stream,
then land as light as feathers on the shore.
So sweet you are there gathered in my hands,
where we are intertwined in graceful peace
as turquoise waters lap against the sands,
it's then I know our love shall never cease.
There by the lake of dreams I hear your sigh,
beneath the vast expanse of violet sky.
Normally with the issues noted above I'd give a four, but as this would otherwise be a six-caliber work, I give five.
Quite impressive and delicious. one of my favorite posts from you!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
-
Hi Rama. What an amazing review this is. We both thank you very much for the effort you went through. We telling you the correction have all been made with the exception of the "testimony" one. I believe if you read it again you will see the scansion is correct on it. Thanks again so very much girl.
-
Thanks sweet sister! Glad to know some of the changes proved helpful and thanks for letting me know about testimony...my head was spinning after reviewing such along work! :-))
Love,
rd
-
I was pleased that you helped to make a good write better. Please accept our dearest and best thanks for such. MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
-
It's a GREAT write - and now it is superb. Love, r d
-
Thanks so much RD.
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi G, I loved this that much I had to wait to get my sixes back before I could review this one, the visual set up this love song,what it's not? Well it should be, you intertwined beautifully and floated to the end, bravo to you both. Kindest regards James
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
 |
Hi G, I loved this that much I had to wait to get my sixes back before I could review this one, the visual set up this love song,what it's not? Well it should be, you intertwined beautifully and floated to the end, bravo to you both. Kindest regards James
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
-
Thank you so much JJ for a wonderful review from both of us.
Comment from Dawn Munro
How exquisite! This is a poem so lovely that it is like watching a vignette of lovers -"and trace my hands over your silken breast" - it is magical, truly ethereal. (And Gungalo, you know I love sonnets - this is simply a feast I had to read aloud - the theatre in me allowed no less!)
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
|
How exquisite! This is a poem so lovely that it is like watching a vignette of lovers -"and trace my hands over your silken breast" - it is magical, truly ethereal. (And Gungalo, you know I love sonnets - this is simply a feast I had to read aloud - the theatre in me allowed no less!)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
-
Thanks so much Dawn for a really awesome review. Sigh girl, here's you sonnets from both of us.
Comment from Meta~Mark
wow- I think you are Nathan Blackthorn, he is also ZW and Bacchus and ??, this is a total trip of a poem without any question of a doubt, you add a mysterious co-author to this msyterious poem..in this crown of sonnet kingdoms..
surreal and G it is all you! yet a thorn in your side of my hide :) EXCELLENT - may I suggest a home for this poem :0
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
wow- I think you are Nathan Blackthorn, he is also ZW and Bacchus and ??, this is a total trip of a poem without any question of a doubt, you add a mysterious co-author to this msyterious poem..in this crown of sonnet kingdoms..
surreal and G it is all you! yet a thorn in your side of my hide :) EXCELLENT - may I suggest a home for this poem :0
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Boy Mark I sure am glad you like this one. It is a work of art. And we really appreciate your review. Sigh.
-
LOL, Indeed I could have presented this week in Chicago..they loved my In the Tune of G..and this is awesome..you are just more mysterious everyday, you are Nathan, LOL
-
No I am not Nathan. Heheh he's real.
-
as real as my friends from Finland below, cool
-
More real than that Mark.
-
LOL, this whole site is a trip...you remain unscathed by the religious "wrong" on here and I loathe their very cellular existence..
-
I just treat people the way I want to be treated.
-
G- you really are different and I admire that
-
Thanks Mark and I admire you too.
-
You are a kindred spirit my friend.. :)
Comment from Curly Girly
A lovely poem with a lovely image choice. I particularly liked the ending:
There by the lake of dreams I hear your sigh,
beneath the vast expanse of violet sky.
CG
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
A lovely poem with a lovely image choice. I particularly liked the ending:
There by the lake of dreams I hear your sigh,
beneath the vast expanse of violet sky.
CG
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Thanks CG for a wonderful review of this one.
Comment from missy98writer
Girl,
Your series of sonnet poems linked as one is exceptionally written with strong imagery created by your artistic pen.
The art work is stunningly beautiful you used.
Your rhyme and meter are flawless.
Excellent use of alliteration along with clever metaphor usage.
I enjoyed your lines:
Beneath the vast expanse of violet sky,
beside a lake of dreams we gently laid
in lively meadows which can never die
and wandered by the golden bows arrayed
in silver bells and blossoms flaming-red.
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
into the lake of beauty made for you.
Sigh, you've penned a sonnet masterpiece, my friend.
I'm able to give a six to you, but there goes another 30 block after this one.
I'd recommend your sonnet to other reviewers.
Love ya,
Melissa.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
Girl,
Your series of sonnet poems linked as one is exceptionally written with strong imagery created by your artistic pen.
The art work is stunningly beautiful you used.
Your rhyme and meter are flawless.
Excellent use of alliteration along with clever metaphor usage.
I enjoyed your lines:
Beneath the vast expanse of violet sky,
beside a lake of dreams we gently laid
in lively meadows which can never die
and wandered by the golden bows arrayed
in silver bells and blossoms flaming-red.
So light within each other's arms we flew,
we danced where streams of magic water fed
into the lake of beauty made for you.
Sigh, you've penned a sonnet masterpiece, my friend.
I'm able to give a six to you, but there goes another 30 block after this one.
I'd recommend your sonnet to other reviewers.
Love ya,
Melissa.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Thanks so very much Melissa from both of us. We appreciate so much the six and you comments on it. You really made us very happy.
Comment from Dave M
Gungalo,
This is an ambitious undertaking. You and Nathan must've spent a lot of time on this poem. It has massive imagery and reminds me of the Garden of Eden. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Despite the poem's length, I found only one nit:
"a time to sink into all that's unique" In this line, the rhythm stumbles a bit. You might work on it.
Dave
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
Gungalo,
This is an ambitious undertaking. You and Nathan must've spent a lot of time on this poem. It has massive imagery and reminds me of the Garden of Eden. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Despite the poem's length, I found only one nit:
"a time to sink into all that's unique" In this line, the rhythm stumbles a bit. You might work on it.
Dave
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Thanks Dave and I'll do that. It actually happen fairly easy as Nathan and I felt no stress whatsoever. It was fun to do.
Comment from Bina1
A lovely poem, two poets on the same cloud! You capture a few moments and make it last for your eternity. Well done, have you met your match in the written word?
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
A lovely poem, two poets on the same cloud! You capture a few moments and make it last for your eternity. Well done, have you met your match in the written word?
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Time will tell Bina, time will tell. Thanks you for
a beautiful review of this one. I'll tell my partner
that we'll have to watch and see. We both thnak you
so very much. Sigh.
Comment from mermaids
As turquoise waters lap against the sands is a vivid image that makes the poem colorful and gives the reader a light feeling while reading it. Your descriptive words and use of words give the poem a romantic feel and flow.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
As turquoise waters lap against the sands is a vivid image that makes the poem colorful and gives the reader a light feeling while reading it. Your descriptive words and use of words give the poem a romantic feel and flow.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
We thank you Mermaids so very much
for a gorgeous review.
Comment from Thatguypk
Stunning! So many of your poems are short and filled with hot desire, like the final moments before an orgasm, but this one was like tantric sex... flowing on and on, revelling in beauty, passion and love, and in no hurry at all to end. Very sensual, as always.
Now, who the fuck is Nathan Blackthorn, and why does he get to share orgasms with you before I do??? LOL.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
Stunning! So many of your poems are short and filled with hot desire, like the final moments before an orgasm, but this one was like tantric sex... flowing on and on, revelling in beauty, passion and love, and in no hurry at all to end. Very sensual, as always.
Now, who the fuck is Nathan Blackthorn, and why does he get to share orgasms with you before I do??? LOL.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
LOL you lookin' for trouble? What a review this one is and boy oh boy what a review. We had a blast writing this one and really enjoyed your review.
