Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara, this is a promising story, with an interesting and timely topic. I'm glad it will continue. However, I find your fonts -- the italics -- rather confusing. Maybe you have trouble with the computer? Please check... I'll look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Hi, Barbara, this is a promising story, with an interesting and timely topic. I'm glad it will continue. However, I find your fonts -- the italics -- rather confusing. Maybe you have trouble with the computer? Please check... I'll look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I am confined to my bed and forced to use a Mac laptop. Mine is a Dell PC. Needless to say we aren't getting along too well.
Comment from Helen Tan
Internet dating - many of my friends have done this, a few even married these dates. For me, I would be petrified. Laila's apprehension and jitters come through well. Jacob sounds like a man I would like - at least he's punctual.
We were getting married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda.
These sound more like narrative lines rather than internal dialogue. Consider this -
We were getting married after graduation. - remove italic , leave as narrative.
Then I caught him in bed with Linda. - consider something more emotionally charged. - How could he sleep with Linda? Bastard.( in italic) Then follow with - The pain of catching them in bed together plagued me.(narrative)
Please note this is just an example of playing around with your sentence structure to get more emotions. I hope you understand what I'm driving at. I know you can do a better rewrite.
Why did I tell him about the time my breast popped out of my purple bra while dancing?
A Janet Jackson boo boo - wardrobe malfunction.
Is my dress to short?
TOO short
"Ma'am, are you all right?" an elderly man asked as he waited for her to exit.
From this line onwards, everything is in italic. I think there's a formatting problem as some parts are meant to be narrative. Please look at this again. maybe this has already been adjusted.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Internet dating - many of my friends have done this, a few even married these dates. For me, I would be petrified. Laila's apprehension and jitters come through well. Jacob sounds like a man I would like - at least he's punctual.
We were getting married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda.
These sound more like narrative lines rather than internal dialogue. Consider this -
We were getting married after graduation. - remove italic , leave as narrative.
Then I caught him in bed with Linda. - consider something more emotionally charged. - How could he sleep with Linda? Bastard.( in italic) Then follow with - The pain of catching them in bed together plagued me.(narrative)
Please note this is just an example of playing around with your sentence structure to get more emotions. I hope you understand what I'm driving at. I know you can do a better rewrite.
Why did I tell him about the time my breast popped out of my purple bra while dancing?
A Janet Jackson boo boo - wardrobe malfunction.
Is my dress to short?
TOO short
"Ma'am, are you all right?" an elderly man asked as he waited for her to exit.
From this line onwards, everything is in italic. I think there's a formatting problem as some parts are meant to be narrative. Please look at this again. maybe this has already been adjusted.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and I will get on those areas. I use a Dell PC and wrote this on my Dell. SInce my ankle surgery I have been forced to use a Mac laptop. So I saved the stories I wanted to work on while laid up onto a thumb drive,
then loaded it to my Mac, then made some more correction and finally posted it. Evil Eddie had a field day. Usually I have no problems with him, but I think there were too many different systems involved this time.
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I thought that was the case. You and I have the exact same system - I work from a Mac Air but have a Dell too.
I'm leaving for Vietnam tomorrow morning so if I don't get to read the second part, I'll do so upon my return. Hope the doctor's post-ops examination goes well. Take care.
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I hope you have a nice trip. I will miss you,
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I hope you have a nice trip. I will miss you,
Comment from fictionwriter
This is an intriguing little story. Meeting guys on the internet is not the best thing, been there and done that. It wasn't at all what I thought over the phone, etc. Great job.
make sure he didn't't(didn't) just remove a ring.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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This is an intriguing little story. Meeting guys on the internet is not the best thing, been there and done that. It wasn't at all what I thought over the phone, etc. Great job.
make sure he didn't't(didn't) just remove a ring.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I am having formatting issues. I hope I have them all taken care of. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Laila's getting paranoid here ;p He said he's a marine biologist, what if he's really an assassin for hire. LOL!!!
suggestion: She glanced at the number, but /didn't't/ recognize it,..."He promised if I chickened out he /wouldn't't/ search for me."
The last part of this is all in italics. You might want to change that :)
Good job!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Laila's getting paranoid here ;p He said he's a marine biologist, what if he's really an assassin for hire. LOL!!!
suggestion: She glanced at the number, but /didn't't/ recognize it,..."He promised if I chickened out he /wouldn't't/ search for me."
The last part of this is all in italics. You might want to change that :)
Good job!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I am stuck in bed with a Mac laptop, I am used to a Dell PC. I love my Dell, we will not discuss my feeling for this Mac. I can only pray I have the italics fixed.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
Aside from being an excellent post about a woman's misgivings, this story fascinated me. After all, I haven't dated for decades, and the only things I know about internet romances are what I've read.
However, some things don't change. I remember blind dates all too well. Most of the women were basket cases. However, I met my wife like that. I found out about her through others, telephoned her and arranged a meeting, at her mother's house.
I would've thought that Laila is dressed too provocatively. Fifty years ago, that would certainly have been true, but standards change.
I caught a few nits and have a suggestion or two:
"We were getting [going to get] married after graduation." Nothing wrong here, I just think that my change would reflect what Laila would think, because they apparently did not get married.
"She glanced at the number, but didn't't [didn't] recognize it,..."
"Is my dress to [too] short?"
"I'd better check his finger and make sure he didn't't [didn't] just remove a ring."
"Ma'am, are you all right?" an elderly man asked as he waited for her to exit." Beginning here, everything is italicized, whether it should be or not. You might want to look at this. Also, as a minor nit, this paragraph is not fully separated from the one before.
Dave
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
Aside from being an excellent post about a woman's misgivings, this story fascinated me. After all, I haven't dated for decades, and the only things I know about internet romances are what I've read.
However, some things don't change. I remember blind dates all too well. Most of the women were basket cases. However, I met my wife like that. I found out about her through others, telephoned her and arranged a meeting, at her mother's house.
I would've thought that Laila is dressed too provocatively. Fifty years ago, that would certainly have been true, but standards change.
I caught a few nits and have a suggestion or two:
"We were getting [going to get] married after graduation." Nothing wrong here, I just think that my change would reflect what Laila would think, because they apparently did not get married.
"She glanced at the number, but didn't't [didn't] recognize it,..."
"Is my dress to [too] short?"
"I'd better check his finger and make sure he didn't't [didn't] just remove a ring."
"Ma'am, are you all right?" an elderly man asked as he waited for her to exit." Beginning here, everything is italicized, whether it should be or not. You might want to look at this. Also, as a minor nit, this paragraph is not fully separated from the one before.
Dave
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support. As for the issues in posting...I write on a Dell PC. Well since my ankle surgery I have been forced to bed with my ankle elevated and iced. In bed, I 'm using a Mac laptop. So the stories I wanted to work on while laid up, I saved to a thumb drive and then copied to the Mac. I made a few changes before I posted and Evil Eddie had a field day. No amount of begging or pleading did any good. I think there were too many systems involved to have a clean post. I normally have no issues with him. I have been trying to clean them up, but sometimes they pop back. Thank you for being patient.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I did not find any errors.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I did not find any errors.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from FredCollingwood
I like this story about the anxiety of such a meeting. You left us hanging. I can't wait to see what happens.
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark > excellent wording!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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I like this story about the anxiety of such a meeting. You left us hanging. I can't wait to see what happens.
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark > excellent wording!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I feel special since you liked that sentence. As much of a happy dance as you can do from your bed.
Comment from anabelle
Good beginning to this story. Meeting men over the Internet is frightening. You never really know what you're getting until you meet them.
Good luck to her, and we'll look forward to seeing what Jakob is like.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Good beginning to this story. Meeting men over the Internet is frightening. You never really know what you're getting until you meet them.
Good luck to her, and we'll look forward to seeing what Jakob is like.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for you kind review.
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Always a pleasure, Barbara.
Comment from lola29
Barbara, this was a terric story. You did a great job of drawing me into the scene with Laila, and I could sense her reluctance to meet the man. Great writing.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Barbara, this was a terric story. You did a great job of drawing me into the scene with Laila, and I could sense her reluctance to meet the man. Great writing.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support. I appreciate it.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A very good story, full of anxious intensity. Your character is strong and her internal dialog is good. I did not find any spag. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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A very good story, full of anxious intensity. Your character is strong and her internal dialog is good. I did not find any spag. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it.
