Calin's Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Jackson flees to Canada"An illegitimate son of a former President emerges.
5 total reviews
Comment from Debbie Pope
Still very much enjoying your story. I don't think that I missed a chapter, but I don't know who Jackson is referring to when he says that everyone that he loved has come to a tragic end. That sounds interesting. And I don't understand how he gets from Canada to Dallas. Maybe asterisks below the line "There was only one possible explanation. The pursuers had a copy of the Investigator's file. " That would show a passage of time. As far as the plot and writing goes, I have no comments. It is very engaging. Til the next chapter.
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Still very much enjoying your story. I don't think that I missed a chapter, but I don't know who Jackson is referring to when he says that everyone that he loved has come to a tragic end. That sounds interesting. And I don't understand how he gets from Canada to Dallas. Maybe asterisks below the line "There was only one possible explanation. The pursuers had a copy of the Investigator's file. " That would show a passage of time. As far as the plot and writing goes, I have no comments. It is very engaging. Til the next chapter.
Comment Written 29-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I stuffed up somehow in my postings. The first chapter became separated from the rest. If you want you can go into my portfolio and all five chapters are listed there. Thank you Debbie for your kind words
Comment from royowen
This is exciting Bob, so now, Jackson Moffatt , is being watched, and they've quite definitely let him know that, but why,? is a mystery. Intriguing story Like I've said before a Bourne like character, although it was always about the chase, not the solving of why he was chased. Well done, great episode, well dine, blessings, Rioy (I've noticed that it hasn't been been reviewed, as it's been posted for awhile, perhaps fan the top writers,, get a following)
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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This is exciting Bob, so now, Jackson Moffatt , is being watched, and they've quite definitely let him know that, but why,? is a mystery. Intriguing story Like I've said before a Bourne like character, although it was always about the chase, not the solving of why he was chased. Well done, great episode, well dine, blessings, Rioy (I've noticed that it hasn't been been reviewed, as it's been posted for awhile, perhaps fan the top writers,, get a following)
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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Thank you Roy. I think there maybe a slight problem here. The piece has been reviewed a number of times. I've asked Tom to look into the problem. It would appear the second and third instalments have been separated from the first. Probably caused by a mistake on my part. Thanks for reading and reviewing Roy.
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Most welcome
Comment from Cybertron1986
A truly compelling story that built up tension for the reader with an array of questions that equally concerned the main character, as well as for me.Inlike how you left those questions hanging...it makes the story even more intriguing. Well paced and presented
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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A truly compelling story that built up tension for the reader with an array of questions that equally concerned the main character, as well as for me.Inlike how you left those questions hanging...it makes the story even more intriguing. Well paced and presented
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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Thank you cybertron 1986. I appreciate your stopping by and reviewing my work. And I thank you for the five stars
Comment from apky
You presented the following passage in the plot remarkably well, thereby making the whole plot even more intriguing. Very well done!
>>Jackson settled on the new name he'd chosen earlier. Morgan Hunt sounded good but it presented a whole load of difficulties. How did a man without a social security identity obtain travel documents? His birth certificate bore the name of Carl Lindsay. His driver's licence and credit cards named him Jackson Moffatt. And while there was a legally traceable connection between the two names, it would take time to establish the link. But time wasn't a commodity he held in abundance. Four times, the ruthless pursuers had located him. Without a passport, he was effectively a prisoner within his own country. Awaiting his own execution, he truly was stymied. Escape wasn't possible, at least not in a conventional manner. He'd have to find another way.<<
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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You presented the following passage in the plot remarkably well, thereby making the whole plot even more intriguing. Very well done!
>>Jackson settled on the new name he'd chosen earlier. Morgan Hunt sounded good but it presented a whole load of difficulties. How did a man without a social security identity obtain travel documents? His birth certificate bore the name of Carl Lindsay. His driver's licence and credit cards named him Jackson Moffatt. And while there was a legally traceable connection between the two names, it would take time to establish the link. But time wasn't a commodity he held in abundance. Four times, the ruthless pursuers had located him. Without a passport, he was effectively a prisoner within his own country. Awaiting his own execution, he truly was stymied. Escape wasn't possible, at least not in a conventional manner. He'd have to find another way.<<
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
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Thank you apky. I appreciate your reading and reviewing my work. I'm glad you found it intriguing.
Comment from giraffmang
Lots of questions here for Jackson.
Morning traffic soured the mood of Jackson. - you could just say Jackson's mood here. Streamline wherever possible.
Someone had walked into his passenger's side rear door- this is in the narrative and seems a fairly definitive statement which turns out not to be the case. I would think about using this a question in his thoughts.
the pursuers would be half way to Fort Worth - halfway could be a single word here.
How did a man without a social security identity obtain travel documents? His birth certificate bore the name of Carl Lindsay. His driver's licence and credit cards named him Jackson Moffatt - surely he must know people if his drivers licence and cards bore a different name? It's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?
The 53 years thing is becoming a little repetitive. The reader knows this information so let it sit with them and get on with the rest of it.
Be careful of repetitive words. you use 'then' quite a bit throughout this, especially in his pondering.
Jackson racked his brain. - I think in this case it would be wracked.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
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Lots of questions here for Jackson.
Morning traffic soured the mood of Jackson. - you could just say Jackson's mood here. Streamline wherever possible.
Someone had walked into his passenger's side rear door- this is in the narrative and seems a fairly definitive statement which turns out not to be the case. I would think about using this a question in his thoughts.
the pursuers would be half way to Fort Worth - halfway could be a single word here.
How did a man without a social security identity obtain travel documents? His birth certificate bore the name of Carl Lindsay. His driver's licence and credit cards named him Jackson Moffatt - surely he must know people if his drivers licence and cards bore a different name? It's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?
The 53 years thing is becoming a little repetitive. The reader knows this information so let it sit with them and get on with the rest of it.
Be careful of repetitive words. you use 'then' quite a bit throughout this, especially in his pondering.
Jackson racked his brain. - I think in this case it would be wracked.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 27-May-2018
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Thank you for another most constructive review. I love your clinical approach. I've made the changes you've suggested in both this post and the previous one. I wish I had your editorial eye your attention to detail is fantastic. I can't thank you enough,
Bob.