Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Life Goes On"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
9 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= A lot of great emotion in this chapter.
= Stan, as most people do, learned too little too late.
=> I restructured this sentence to better emphasize his distress.
=> It is also a great place to show ellipses ( ... ) to show pauses in speech ... distress.
-YOURS-
"I'm sorry, Madeline, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, please, please forgive me," he cries, falling to his knees.
-SUGGEST-
"I'm sorry, Madeline. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me ... please ... please forgive me," he cries, falling to his knees.
=> Don't forget--all direct addresses need commas.
- "What(,) mom, what?"
= Going on a long weekend holiday, so won't be online to review for a few days.
Cheers, J
Have a great day/evening.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*<*)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017
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Hi, Misty
= A lot of great emotion in this chapter.
= Stan, as most people do, learned too little too late.
=> I restructured this sentence to better emphasize his distress.
=> It is also a great place to show ellipses ( ... ) to show pauses in speech ... distress.
-YOURS-
"I'm sorry, Madeline, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, please, please forgive me," he cries, falling to his knees.
-SUGGEST-
"I'm sorry, Madeline. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me ... please ... please forgive me," he cries, falling to his knees.
=> Don't forget--all direct addresses need commas.
- "What(,) mom, what?"
= Going on a long weekend holiday, so won't be online to review for a few days.
Cheers, J
Have a great day/evening.
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*<*)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review and the helpful suggestions. Your right that does sound a lot better, makes more sense with the ellipses. I'll keep that in mind going forward.
Thank you again for all of your help it's always greatly appreciated. Hope you have a wonderful extended weekend, take care.
Comment from apky
Brilliant! I love how you've walked Madeline through her arc and brought her to be the strong person she is, and successful. The same with Katie. Katelyn too, although you've left the chapter off at the bespoke cliffhanger...
And watch out about mixing those past and present tenses, Misty. Bravo, my friend!
You start the chapter out with the past tense, then switch back to the present. If I were you, I'd keep to the tense you use in the stors, which is the present:
Madeline moved in with Marge until she was able to find a place of her own. After weeks of extensive searching, she finally found something she could afford. It's a partially furnished, modest two bedroom apartment close to her friends. It has a tiny kitchen on the left side, an equally sized front room on the right. Its a two small bedrooms are located at either end. Madeline realizes it's going to be crowded, but figures she can manage for a little while.
Baby steps, Madeline. Slow steady baby steps(,)(delete-.) She("she" in lower case) reminds herself.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Brilliant! I love how you've walked Madeline through her arc and brought her to be the strong person she is, and successful. The same with Katie. Katelyn too, although you've left the chapter off at the bespoke cliffhanger...
And watch out about mixing those past and present tenses, Misty. Bravo, my friend!
You start the chapter out with the past tense, then switch back to the present. If I were you, I'd keep to the tense you use in the stors, which is the present:
Madeline moved in with Marge until she was able to find a place of her own. After weeks of extensive searching, she finally found something she could afford. It's a partially furnished, modest two bedroom apartment close to her friends. It has a tiny kitchen on the left side, an equally sized front room on the right. Its a two small bedrooms are located at either end. Madeline realizes it's going to be crowded, but figures she can manage for a little while.
Baby steps, Madeline. Slow steady baby steps(,)(delete-.) She("she" in lower case) reminds herself.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review, I'm honored you think it deserves such high marks. I do have a question about the tenses. I start out past because it happened in the past then catches up to present, is that wrong? what do you suggest I do differently?
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, take care.
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It doesn't matter whether it happened in the past - the reader gets it. Like this:
Madeline moves in with Marge until she is able to find a place of her own. After weeks of extensive searching, she finally finds something she can afford. It's a partially furnished, modest two bedroom apartment close to her friends. It has a tiny kitchen on the left side, an equally sized front room on the right. Its (delete this, sorry I didn't see it before-a) two small bedrooms are located at either end. Madeline realizes it's going to be crowded, but figures she can manage for a little while.
Comment from giraffmang
Some good news at last for the girls. Although it looks like this could all end in tears again... or worse.
she finally found something she can afford - could rather than can here.
It's two small bedrooms - Its.
"Go to hell," Madeline hisses - hisses is not a good speech tag. try actually hissing this...
Be careful of overusing emotive speech tags. I think I pointed it out last time as well. Hisses, sobs, bawled, and so on. These can detract from what is being said. There's a reason why said and asked are the standards - it's because when reading, the reader sees these and the brain mechanically interprets them without consciously acknowledging them. These other tags are a quick fix for writing emotion/action. Same things for adverbs around them.
artwork is gingerly displayed along the mint green walls - how are they displayed gingerly? (warily, with great caution)
The art gallery's décor raised an eyebrow as normally they are very neutral so as to let the art speak. I think this would probably conflict with a lot of the artwork they'd display.
unsure about her
friends' reaction.- friend's.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Some good news at last for the girls. Although it looks like this could all end in tears again... or worse.
she finally found something she can afford - could rather than can here.
It's two small bedrooms - Its.
"Go to hell," Madeline hisses - hisses is not a good speech tag. try actually hissing this...
Be careful of overusing emotive speech tags. I think I pointed it out last time as well. Hisses, sobs, bawled, and so on. These can detract from what is being said. There's a reason why said and asked are the standards - it's because when reading, the reader sees these and the brain mechanically interprets them without consciously acknowledging them. These other tags are a quick fix for writing emotion/action. Same things for adverbs around them.
artwork is gingerly displayed along the mint green walls - how are they displayed gingerly? (warily, with great caution)
The art gallery's décor raised an eyebrow as normally they are very neutral so as to let the art speak. I think this would probably conflict with a lot of the artwork they'd display.
unsure about her
friends' reaction.- friend's.
All the best
G
Comment Written 28-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your kind and always helpful review. I will work on keeping the emotional tags to a minimum. It is good news for Madeline, Katelyn, well she still has a few more hurdles.
Thanks again for your review, your help and continued support is always appreciated, take care.
Comment from StanNJ
Dear Misty Dawn,
Great prose. Excellent movement in the story. The characters are well fleshed out and the dialogue is believable. The introduction of the matter of the voices catches the reader by surprise. Nicely done.
One small item: In this sentence, I believe you meant to write "too hard" instead of "to hard." It's an easy mistake to make and one typical word processors won't catch. "Madeline wants to say more but is afraid that if she pushes the subject to hard the animosity between them will only grow."
Hope it gets published for you.
Stan
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Dear Misty Dawn,
Great prose. Excellent movement in the story. The characters are well fleshed out and the dialogue is believable. The introduction of the matter of the voices catches the reader by surprise. Nicely done.
One small item: In this sentence, I believe you meant to write "too hard" instead of "to hard." It's an easy mistake to make and one typical word processors won't catch. "Madeline wants to say more but is afraid that if she pushes the subject to hard the animosity between them will only grow."
Hope it gets published for you.
Stan
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for such a sweet review and helpful suggestion. Katelyn wanted her story told. So I'm going to do all I can to see it through, in her memory.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
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Mistydawn,
You're more than welcome.
So sorry that you lost your daughter! What a terrible thing to endure. Hope you get your story published!
Stan
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Thank you.
Comment from royowen
I sincerely hope that Katelyn won't be lured Back into that deadend sinbin of drugs, booze and reckless living.
But I'm gad to see Madeleine has left her dropkick husband Stan, despite the tears, men like him don't really change.
It seems Katelyn and Katie will be ok yeah?
Well done, selling more paintings, signifies her character is truly gifted, a sympathetic and familiar plot and characters, with what looks like a happy ending, makes for a good story, blessings, Roy
Typo : two babies and still(,) aren't married.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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I sincerely hope that Katelyn won't be lured Back into that deadend sinbin of drugs, booze and reckless living.
But I'm gad to see Madeleine has left her dropkick husband Stan, despite the tears, men like him don't really change.
It seems Katelyn and Katie will be ok yeah?
Well done, selling more paintings, signifies her character is truly gifted, a sympathetic and familiar plot and characters, with what looks like a happy ending, makes for a good story, blessings, Roy
Typo : two babies and still(,) aren't married.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thank you for such a sweet review and encouraging words. Madeline has finally found the strength to move on. Katie will be fine, Katelyn, well she has a couple of more hiccups to get through but things will work out for her in the end. Stan, he'll get what he deserves.
Thanks for catching my mistake.
Thank you so much for your review and continuous support, it always means a lot to me, take care.
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Most welcome
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Well done
Comment from hvysmker
They now have two babies and still, aren't married."
*** I'd lose that comma? If it's for emphasis, I don't think it works on such a short sentence.
"I told you he'd love them." Ariella hands her a check.
Madeline's mouth drops when she sees the large sum.
"Is that an aggregable price?" Ariella questions, unsure about her
friends' reaction.
*** I'm not sure about that word. Do you mean aggregative which means for the entire collection of Madelines. OR agreeable?
"I'm so glad your here," Anne replies, dragging her across the crowded room.
*** you're here,
Here they go again, round and round that proverbial bush.
Charlie
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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They now have two babies and still, aren't married."
*** I'd lose that comma? If it's for emphasis, I don't think it works on such a short sentence.
"I told you he'd love them." Ariella hands her a check.
Madeline's mouth drops when she sees the large sum.
"Is that an aggregable price?" Ariella questions, unsure about her
friends' reaction.
*** I'm not sure about that word. Do you mean aggregative which means for the entire collection of Madelines. OR agreeable?
"I'm so glad your here," Anne replies, dragging her across the crowded room.
*** you're here,
Here they go again, round and round that proverbial bush.
Charlie
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. I was going for agreeable not sure how I messed that up. Yeah, Katelyn is back with the same crowd, but only briefly. She has one more big encounter that's going to scare her straight for good.
Thanks again for all your reviews and your continued help and support they're always greatly appreciated.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
What a beautiful ending to a wonderful write/ I was hooked throughout. You have a great talent for writing dialogue and emotion. This was fabulous well done and kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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What a beautiful ending to a wonderful write/ I was hooked throughout. You have a great talent for writing dialogue and emotion. This was fabulous well done and kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, and your encouraging words, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Looks bad. I hope Katelyn has the will power to leave the party and not use drugs. Something tells me she will not be able to resist, however. Got my fingers crossed.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Looks bad. I hope Katelyn has the will power to leave the party and not use drugs. Something tells me she will not be able to resist, however. Got my fingers crossed.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and continuous support it means a lot to me. You're right, peer pressure is hard to resist.
Thank you again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks the need of freedom in living and as one is intelligent or wise he will use freedom accordingly; I enjoyed the dialogues which are realistic, appropriate, contributory and bold and the free flow of thoughts, curious ending.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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This speaks the need of freedom in living and as one is intelligent or wise he will use freedom accordingly; I enjoyed the dialogues which are realistic, appropriate, contributory and bold and the free flow of thoughts, curious ending.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your kind review, it's nice to hear from you again. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I'm hoping the ending will entice people to come back. Your quote where is that from?
Thank again for your great review, take care.