A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Hugo"Autobiography of abuse
12 total reviews
Comment from andrewmaynard
This was a very good example of very good writing. It had the story that caught your attention, while it had the classic love found in the worst conditions.(the writing itself gave all the necessary info, n' other things) It was so well-written that i don't have any issues or problems
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reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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This was a very good example of very good writing. It had the story that caught your attention, while it had the classic love found in the worst conditions.(the writing itself gave all the necessary info, n' other things) It was so well-written that i don't have any issues or problems
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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I am so pleased you liked this chapter. Just curious, why the three star rating? What that intentional or just a mistake?
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The three stars are intentional, because overall, i felt like something was missing. I can't pin it down, but it felt like something was gone from a puzzle. That's why i gave the 3 stars
Comment from Janet7053
Hoping for a sequel...a revelation that people do forgive and move past sorrowful events in their lives. I suggest a reuniting of this pair in your future writings. May the character forgive herself for sabotaging her own happiness.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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Hoping for a sequel...a revelation that people do forgive and move past sorrowful events in their lives. I suggest a reuniting of this pair in your future writings. May the character forgive herself for sabotaging her own happiness.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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The book is already published and while I like the idea, the chances of Hugo and I ever getting back together is totally out of the question. Way too much time has passed...I am now 69 years old.
Comment from medicnate
This one was so great. Until you left the poor guy. I feel sad for both of you. I shall read on and find out what happens. This is such an intriguing read. It's 2:11 AM and I'm wide awake wanting to read the next chapter. But, alas, I have to force myself to bed. I have to work in four hours, hehe. Good night.
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2009
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This one was so great. Until you left the poor guy. I feel sad for both of you. I shall read on and find out what happens. This is such an intriguing read. It's 2:11 AM and I'm wide awake wanting to read the next chapter. But, alas, I have to force myself to bed. I have to work in four hours, hehe. Good night.
~medicnate~
Comment Written 08-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2009
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Thank you for the kind review. I, personally could never go to work with only 4 hous sleep!
Comment from Lois Delaney
How sad. Your whole life became a conflict whether he would find out you weren't a virgin. This is so unreal, and heartbreaking to read.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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How sad. Your whole life became a conflict whether he would find out you weren't a virgin. This is so unreal, and heartbreaking to read.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009
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He was a latin man, raised to believe that a woman was a saint. To learn otherwise would have broken his heart. It was the 60's but he was from a different culture. I think of him often.
Comment from laurelp
everyone star - I believe you mean stare
This was a very upsetting chapter. To meet someone so special and give him up without explanation is beyond sad. Time will have healed him, but my sadness is for you and your fears.
The chapter was very well written. Except for the one slight error it read very well.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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everyone star - I believe you mean stare
This was a very upsetting chapter. To meet someone so special and give him up without explanation is beyond sad. Time will have healed him, but my sadness is for you and your fears.
The chapter was very well written. Except for the one slight error it read very well.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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Thank you very much for your kind review and good eye. I appreciate all the help I can get.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
This is in iteresting chapter, because the terrible burden of abuse is finally starting to diminish.
I have some specific comments as follow:
1. We met at a small cafe across the street from [?] school.{Delete the question mark. Just a tiny typo. As I looked though this chapter I found several question marks that the FanStory editor (Evil Eddy) had substituted. When you cut and paste question marks are substituted for all your special characters. Always use the advance editor and every time I have a question mark, apostrophe or similar special character, I go over the finished post and one by one I delete and then replace these characters. This remove incompatible codes.}
2. When I discovered we were going to be in several classes together, I felt a panic grow inside me. I knew it would not take long for him to discover I was just another stupid girl. We exchanged phone numbers, but I didn't expect to hear from him again. I was ecstatic when he called and asked me out on a date. {Common feelings for inexperienced daters. By this I mean without the experience of real dates.}
3. I enjoyed your description of dinner from white wine to the light conversation.
4. The hole in my chest opened and the warm, comforting feeling of love that I had long ago forgotten, returned. All I could do was smile. {What a great description of a sympathetic feeling.}
5. I had thought about this moment for the past three years, but hearing the words filled me with a terrible sense of foreboding. Hugo was my knight in shining armor. He had rescued me. The moment I had planned and prayed for my entire life had finally arrived, but tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized I could not marry him. I felt my life, and?future,?slip away from me. I loved him with all my heart but I could not bear the thought of him learning that I was not a virgin. I would rather lose him than have him hate me.{What a sad outcome from all the abuse. In true love this might have easily passed, but fear is always an enemy.}
6. In books you often read that time heals a broken heart, but believe me when I say it is just a fairy tale. In real life, it just isn't true. {A sad truth.}
Note: I didn't lower your rating for all the symbol errors that Evil Eddie caused.
I am looking foreword to your next chapter.
Roger
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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This is in iteresting chapter, because the terrible burden of abuse is finally starting to diminish.
I have some specific comments as follow:
1. We met at a small cafe across the street from [?] school.{Delete the question mark. Just a tiny typo. As I looked though this chapter I found several question marks that the FanStory editor (Evil Eddy) had substituted. When you cut and paste question marks are substituted for all your special characters. Always use the advance editor and every time I have a question mark, apostrophe or similar special character, I go over the finished post and one by one I delete and then replace these characters. This remove incompatible codes.}
2. When I discovered we were going to be in several classes together, I felt a panic grow inside me. I knew it would not take long for him to discover I was just another stupid girl. We exchanged phone numbers, but I didn't expect to hear from him again. I was ecstatic when he called and asked me out on a date. {Common feelings for inexperienced daters. By this I mean without the experience of real dates.}
3. I enjoyed your description of dinner from white wine to the light conversation.
4. The hole in my chest opened and the warm, comforting feeling of love that I had long ago forgotten, returned. All I could do was smile. {What a great description of a sympathetic feeling.}
5. I had thought about this moment for the past three years, but hearing the words filled me with a terrible sense of foreboding. Hugo was my knight in shining armor. He had rescued me. The moment I had planned and prayed for my entire life had finally arrived, but tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized I could not marry him. I felt my life, and?future,?slip away from me. I loved him with all my heart but I could not bear the thought of him learning that I was not a virgin. I would rather lose him than have him hate me.{What a sad outcome from all the abuse. In true love this might have easily passed, but fear is always an enemy.}
6. In books you often read that time heals a broken heart, but believe me when I say it is just a fairy tale. In real life, it just isn't true. {A sad truth.}
Note: I didn't lower your rating for all the symbol errors that Evil Eddie caused.
I am looking foreword to your next chapter.
Roger
Comment Written 03-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your kind words and high rating. I will go back over the chapter and clean up the Evil Eddie stuff. I will do as you say, and re-read more closesly after I post. I have had problems in the past with this and thought I had caught them all. Agaian, thanks.
Comment from jojosug
This was such a lovely poignant piece of writing. To lose somebody in this way, must have been heart-wrenching and there must have always been a what if? The writing is crisp and well crafted. A very sad story, but a delight to read.
Jo
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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This was such a lovely poignant piece of writing. To lose somebody in this way, must have been heart-wrenching and there must have always been a what if? The writing is crisp and well crafted. A very sad story, but a delight to read.
Jo
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thank you so very much for you kind words. I must admit, I cried as I wrote it.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
I couldn't resist giving this a six star rating. The content, the imagery, the character development and presentation are all absolutely superb. The emotion is palpable. The pain is so deep, it speaks volumes. Fantastic work!
One very minor nit: "stare" NOT "stared" in the following sentence:
"He taught me to dance and I loved watching everyone stared..."
Again, this is some of the best work I have read, Smurphy.
Seraph~
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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I couldn't resist giving this a six star rating. The content, the imagery, the character development and presentation are all absolutely superb. The emotion is palpable. The pain is so deep, it speaks volumes. Fantastic work!
One very minor nit: "stare" NOT "stared" in the following sentence:
"He taught me to dance and I loved watching everyone stared..."
Again, this is some of the best work I have read, Smurphy.
Seraph~
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thank you so very much for your kind review. It was hard to write too...I still cry when I think of him.
Comment from jodeecee
Great chapter, but also very sad...
being so forward/,/ ,but I must tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."
"/T/thank you"
leave it up, I /cut:suddenly/ heard a knock at the door.
Again, like the asparagus,/and salad, /the/ //and/ sour cream /was/ //were/ delicious.
it was not enough /to/ simply //to/ get my high school diploma, I retook all the courses I had failed//,/ or done poorly in. Both Hugo and I graduated with honors. I received a letter from the Superintendent of the Seattle Public Schools praising me for my outstanding work/./
Despite how we felt about each other/,/ Hugo and I
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Great chapter, but also very sad...
being so forward/,/ ,but I must tell you that you are a very beautiful woman."
"/T/thank you"
leave it up, I /cut:suddenly/ heard a knock at the door.
Again, like the asparagus,/and salad, /the/ //and/ sour cream /was/ //were/ delicious.
it was not enough /to/ simply //to/ get my high school diploma, I retook all the courses I had failed//,/ or done poorly in. Both Hugo and I graduated with honors. I received a letter from the Superintendent of the Seattle Public Schools praising me for my outstanding work/./
Despite how we felt about each other/,/ Hugo and I
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thank you again for your detailed critique. I sincerely appreciate your opinion and your help.
Comment from Reverie
Wow. SO powerful and delicate at the same time. You are wonderful at capturing the moment. I felt really sympathetic to Valerie and really enjoyed Hugo. The end is so tragic and painful. What a lovely and sad chapter. I had not read any chapter of this book before this, so I don't know much other than what you wrote in the background. I loved this work. I only have a few edits, and they are minor:
"Unable to keep a simple job as a waitress, woke me up to the fact that living on my own was not as easy as I had anticipated." The grammer of "woke me up" should be "I woke up to"
"While having a cup of coffee together... but I didn't expected to hear from him again" I think you meant "expect" instead of "expected."
"Again, like the asparagus, salad, and sour cream were delicious." I would love to hear a description of how the asparagus tasted since it was a vegetable her mother couldn't get her to eat.
"At the end of the night Hugo walked me up to my front door, kissed me on the cheek and said, "I'll call you tomorrow." Why cut the dinner off so quickly? I wanted to hear what questions she asked, see how their conversation was going. If she is falling in love, I want to fall in love right along with her. DOes that make sense?
"In books you often read that time heals a broken heart, but believe me when I say it is just a fairy tale, in real life, it just isn't true." I would change the comma after "fairy-tale" and make it a separate sentence from "it just isn't true." More impact that way.
This is great work. Hope I've helped.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Wow. SO powerful and delicate at the same time. You are wonderful at capturing the moment. I felt really sympathetic to Valerie and really enjoyed Hugo. The end is so tragic and painful. What a lovely and sad chapter. I had not read any chapter of this book before this, so I don't know much other than what you wrote in the background. I loved this work. I only have a few edits, and they are minor:
"Unable to keep a simple job as a waitress, woke me up to the fact that living on my own was not as easy as I had anticipated." The grammer of "woke me up" should be "I woke up to"
"While having a cup of coffee together... but I didn't expected to hear from him again" I think you meant "expect" instead of "expected."
"Again, like the asparagus, salad, and sour cream were delicious." I would love to hear a description of how the asparagus tasted since it was a vegetable her mother couldn't get her to eat.
"At the end of the night Hugo walked me up to my front door, kissed me on the cheek and said, "I'll call you tomorrow." Why cut the dinner off so quickly? I wanted to hear what questions she asked, see how their conversation was going. If she is falling in love, I want to fall in love right along with her. DOes that make sense?
"In books you often read that time heals a broken heart, but believe me when I say it is just a fairy tale, in real life, it just isn't true." I would change the comma after "fairy-tale" and make it a separate sentence from "it just isn't true." More impact that way.
This is great work. Hope I've helped.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your helpful suggestion. I will go over the chapter and see if I can improve it with good ideas. I can use all the help I can get.