Humor Fiction posted August 28, 2020 Chapters:  ...57 58 -59- 60... 

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fat fab

A chapter in the book The Corona saga

Weight me down

by Iza Deleanu

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.

Weight me down, yeah, you wish! I have sent in Exile my unfaithful scale. Yes, Sir, I did! She never loved me. Every time I consulted her majesty, you know like: "Scale, scales on the floor tell me kindly what I've scored?"

The answer was: "Another kilo hitting the wall. Same shit, new day! You lost your mind, girl, but nothing on the kilo aka pounds department!" Today she gives me the murderous look from my husband bathroom, where I sent her in self-isolation.

But, not today Scalie, today I am giving you the Coronella excuse. Gyms are closed, pools are closed, walking limited to certain hours, usually after work hours, when you are too tired to move and plus you have to prepare dinner, wash dishes and so on! So no consultation, you are fired!

This year the new weight in fashion is: the Cornella fluff! Oh, shut up! You, skinny Panini! Blame it on Coronella the only food you can get right now is F R O Z E N! Sitting home doesn't help at all! I am binging on ice...cream. Usually, right about now, I will scream: "OH, my God, I look like free Willy! " But not this year! Since Coronella, I learnt to appreciate Me more, and this year this free Willy it's so cute! The entire family is the proud owner of a "fab blubber", including the kitties. They got it easy: sleep and eat and...!

I am craving for something fresh. Mmm, let me look on the on-line store catalogue. What do we have under fruits? Frozen mangos, blueberries! Hallelujah for these delicacies, there are people  in this world that would wish to have something frozen every day to eat.

Coronella just gave work to lots of freaks, aka experts in losing weight. I am tired of all those postings on social media about my blessed floating tummy. Do this and do that! Man, people are posting the weirdest things as the bullet proof method of losing it... I mean the fatty cover. Can I go to the beach right now? Nope! Can you bleach the water before swimming? Oh, wait! Why the heck did they closed the swimming pools? The amount of bleach that is floating in there can kill the most stubborn mother fucker, Coronella!

Let's go back to the fabulous fat. I think the only one who cares about you, my dear Scale, is my husband. Yeah, the old bastard weights or should I say scales himself every morning. Then, unhappy with the results, is giving me the lame excuse: "We should start dieting and exercising more!"

"We? No, thanks I am good!"

I told him: "Bro, stop preaching and lead by example. Maybe you should cut down on your hours of sleep and do some work around the house. I understand that you are officially in vacation until September, but bro move and help me out! You know, vacuuming will be awesome because you are useful and also you would do some exercise! Oh, wait I got something better for you. Why don't you clean your bathroom, I can guarantee that you will lose at least 3 kilos." Another good exercise for you my dear hubby will be: chase the kitties and give them the medicine! You know bending, picking up, fighting to open their mouth, that's good for your health!"

At the beginning of this working from home regime, I used to exercise. Can you believe that I have destroyed two Yoga Balls since March? After I said farewell to them I kind of stopped exercising. I tried dancing for a while, but my neighbors started to complain. In Argentina, Italia, France people are having disco in their balconies and everybody dance. Try it in Canada; you will have the Police at your door in no time, Pandemic or not!

Now, I am exercising with my mind making plans about what I am going to do when Coronella is over. For now I am doing sit downs, and lifting my foot up and down with imaginary weights. I even learn how to do my own massage. When you sit more than 10 hours chained to an improvised desk, your back starts complaining... a lot.

In Coronella time, my family reached an agreement: fun for all, weights no more!

Thank you Coronella, for the first time in our married life we all look the same: round and round, fat flows on the ground!

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