January 21, 2020 Tuesday. As soon as my eyes shot open,
that familiar feeling washed over me. A suffocating mud-slide,
that weighed a thousand pounds. I groaned and shut my eyes. 

I’m so tired. Tired of feeling like there’s nothing worth living for.
I don’t want to go on…

My mind quickly ran through my lists of fears. Daddy’s cancer,
money, job, relationships, my writing.

“Let not your heart be troubled. Neither let it be afraid,”
I heard Jesus say.

I softly repeated the words, intently focused on casting
my troubles to Him.

God told me, if I guard my heart, He’d guard everything else.
Everything! But if I don’t, He is a gentleman, and steps out
of the way to let me try. 

I’m determined to get to the place where I live in the truth of
‘not letting my heart be troubled’. But until then, it’s a day by
day, sometimes hour by hour, effort. 

January 22, 2020 Wednesday 11:42 a.m. I woke up nervous
this morning. Daddy’s being sent home today. I’m happy for him.
He is sick of being in the Hospital. It’s been one month today,
that he’s been there. I’m sad though. 

How long will he be with us?

On Sunday, Todd suggested I call Daddy. I felt myself
retreating on the inside. 

“You call him. He loves you too.” I deflected.

I think he could tell I was scared. Why was I? 

He dialed the phone. It rang, and rang and…rang. I go from
being relieved to worried. 

Is he okay? Will he remember me?

“Hello,” Mom answered.

“Hi Mom, this is Todd. How are you doing?”

“Oh…well...okay. We’re doing okay.”

Her exhausted tone hurt my heart. I wanted to crawl
through the phone and hug her.

“How’s Eldon?”

“Let me give him the phone. You can talk to him.”

“Ok thank you.”

All of a sudden, I realized that I had gotten up and I now stood
behind my husband in his recliner. The front door to my left.
My stomach was in knots. 

Why am I so scared?

I felt ridiculous and yet powerless to ‘behave’ normally. I was
a little child, in an adult’s body, trying to cope with the emotion
and fear that bounced around inside me.

“Hello,” Dad answered.

Ugh, his voice. He doesn’t sound like himself.

“Hi Dad. This is your son, Todd.”

“Well, hello Todd. How are you?”

Whoa, that’s good, he knows Todd.

“Good. I’m here with your daughter, Rebecca. We wanted to
call and ask if you’ve been watching the football games?”

“No…this Hospital…the channels…only Hallmark on all the time.”

That bugged me. I know it's Mom whose been putting on the
Hallmark channel. It’s fine that she wants to watch her shows,
but think about Daddy a little. He’s lying in that bed and Hallmark
movies are not his thing. 

He’s put in his time watching Hallmark shows for hours and hours,
days upon weeks to please Mom. It’s her turn to think of him and
endure some football. 

Todd and Dad talked about the KC game and the one that was
about to come on. 

“So how are you doing, Dad?” Todd asked.

“I’m doing well. The nurses have been asking me questions like,
‘do I have headaches or dizziness’. I told them no. I guess others
who’ve had my type of surgery do. I’m in no pain. I am so grateful
to God for that!”

“That’s awesome, Eldon. Well, your daughter’s here and she
wants to talk to you.”  Todd reached out the phone towards me.

I’m backing away, waving my hands, shaking my head NO-NO.
I feel stupid for acting this way. I love my Dad.

Todd doesn’t speak, so I know I have to.

“Hi Daddy.” I said timidly. 

Todd still held the phone. His face a big question mark?

I guess, I’m afraid that Dad’ll break. I don’t want him to hurt
and I don’t want to hurt. So denial, and shoving my head in
the sand, seems to be the order of the moment.

“Hi Becky.” 

Oh sweet relief. He knows me.

“Hi. We wanted to see how you’re doing and see if you are
watching the game. I am thinking about you as I watch.”

I felt like I was babbling. I do that when I’m really nervous.

I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation. It was
surface, but I was just so darn happy that I got to talk to him
and he knew me. When we hung up though, I was really sad.

“He doesn’t sound like himself…” tears floated in my eyes,
“but I guess Mom didn’t sound like herself after her heart attack
and strokes either, so... it’ll take time.”

“Yes, it will take time, but I really think he’s going to be okay.”
Todd reassured me.

There’s a big winter storm in Nebraska today. My sister, Beth
drove down on the 19th to help Mom and Dad transition back
into the house. I’m so appreciative for my sisters help. 

Lord, I pray for their protection today. Keep them safe. I pray
that coming home will be a good thing for my parents. Please
don’t let Daddy fall. I pray Momma will be sensitive to Daddy’s
needs and not expect him to take care of her, like before. 

Lord, I continue to ask and believe for a miracle and that Daddy
will be with us, on this Earth, a long time. I ask for the abundant
life that You died to give us. Either way, I know you love us.
Thank You for watching over us.