Preface:

December 24th

Snow is falling so thick in parts of the world that visibility is practically nil. In other parts, a creeping blanket of fog covers everything in its path, and in desert areas, winds whip the sand so forcefully it penetrates the thickest of ratty beards.

In other words, Santa can’t see a bloomin’ thing.

Rudolf, worn to a frazzle, glides in for a landing in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and runs into a telephone pole, dislocating his nose and causing a reindeer pileup behind him. Santa dismounts from his sleigh and lovingly pats the rumps of his charges as he makes his way forward to the bawling Rudolf. 
Placating the injured deer with a peppermint, Santa does his best to push the animal’s famous nose back into what feels like the right spot.
Returning to his sleigh, he almost trips over the left runner which is badly bent. He gets out his cell phone.

Santa: “Hello, Hello! Is this World Wide Sleigh Repair?”

WWSR: “Yeah, but you don’t have to yell.”

Santa: “Madame, I am stuck in the fog from Hades and my lead reindeer has dislocated his nose, my left runner is bent and I need a replacement double quick!”

WWSR: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but everyone’s out to lunch right now, and anyway we don’t repair     reindeer.  If you’ll leave your num…”

Santa: “Ma’am, do you know where they went to lunch?  Any of them, preferably your boss?
        

WWSR: “I sure don’t, but I’m starving and I wish they’d…”

Santa: “Pardon me, ma’am, but do you happen to have your boss’s cell phone number?”

WWSR: “We-ell, yeh-us I do, but…”

Santa: “But what?”

WWSR: “He told me to quit calling him when he was at lunch.”

Santa: “What is your name, dear?”

WWSR: “Ernestine, but I don’t…”

Santa: “Ernestine, do you have children?”

Ernestine: “Do I ever!  I got six!”

Santa: “And all six are waiting for Santa, right?”

Ernestine: “Well, a’course! Except for Dallas, she’s a bunch older and…”

Santa: “Now, think hard, Ernestine. This is important.  Who am I?”

Ernestine: “You say you’re Santa Clause, but why should I believe you? 
You know, with all the fake..."
                  

Santa: “Good point.  However, if you don’t get help for me,
and I’m still stuck here in the snow tomorrow,
guess who won’t get a visit from Santa?”

Ernestine: “Who?”

Santa: (sigh) “Ernestine, do you have a husband?”

Ernestine: “I guess you could call the lazy bum my…”

Santa: “Do you think you could get him on the phone for me? Please?”

Ernestine: “Well, Mr. Maybe Santa, he likes his naps, you know and…”

Santa: (sotto voice) “and his nips.”

Ernestine: “Yeah, his nips and his naps, but I’ll call him.”

Santa: “Bless you. Thank you.” He ends the call.

Santa’s cell phone rings.  He answers.

Teenager: “Hey, Pop.  You really Santa? This is so cool
…Sure, I can fix it. Tell me where you are.
 You don’t know? (laughs) No sweat.  I’ll find ya. 
Be there in a mo.”

Santa: “Are you Dallas?”

Teen: “Yessir.  Stay cool. I’ll have you up and runnin’ in no time.”
                            ~   ~   ~
Teen: “Hey there.  You must be Santa.
I could tell by your outfit, ha ha.”

Santa: “Yep, I must be, and I’m mighty glad to see you, young lady.”

Dallas: “Likewise. Now, if you’ll just hop out and let me jack up this…”

Santa gets out and watches. “You are a very capable and efficient young lady.
And pretty,too, if I may say so.”

Dallas: (grinning) “Santa Clause, are you flirtin’ with me?”

Santa: “No ma’am, just admiring. 
You wouldn’t happen to be a vet, too, would you? I’m sure in need…”

Dallas: “As a matta of fact, I am. Which reindeuh is sick?”

Santa: “I’m afraid it’s Rudolf. 
He ran into a telephone pole and dislocated his nose.
I tried to put it back in place but it’s crooked. 
Couldn’t see what I was doing. By the way, 
This is Alabama, isn’t? Tuscaloosa, I hope”

Dallas: “Well dang! Poor Rudolf, bless his heart,
and on toppa that, you’re lost, too? That’s a real  bummer.
Yep, Alabama – the Heart of Dixie –
and Tuscaloosa is just over thataway."
Dallas replaces the runner without mishap and says,
“Good to go. Now, how about introducin’ me to Mr. R.”

Santa: shakes his head in amazement at Dallas’s strength and ability
and leads the way. "Okay.  Here we are. 
This is Rudolf.  Rudolf, this nice lady is a vet
and she wants to check out your nose,
so behave yourself, okay?”

Rudolf:  Grins. “She’s purty.”

Santa: “Yes, she is.”

Dallas: “You flirtin’ with me, too, Rudy?”

Rudolf: “You bet.”

Dallas: (chuckles) “Okay, let’s take a look at that nose;
see what kind of job your friend, Santa did, fixin’ it.”

Rudolf: “It feels funny.”

Dallas: shining the light from her baseball cap visor on Rudolf,
“No wonder. Mr. Clause, you need to get you a hat with lights,
so you can see in times like this.
I gave one to each of my family members. 
Oka-ay, Rudy, I’m going to have to reset your nose,
so grit your teeth, it won’t take but a second.

Rudolf: “OW, OWWWW!”

Dallas: “Good boy, Rudy.  It’ll stop hurtin’ shortly. 
Just try not to hit it on anything.

Santa: “Thank you kindly, Miss Dallas. Um… would you…
do you think you might like being a combination vet/fixit gal at the
North Pole? We could sure use your services.”

Dallas: “You mean live up there with you guys?

Santa: “Yes, ma’am.”

Dallas: “We-ll, gosh, thanks a lot, Santa, but…
you don’t ever have real summer and I’m right partial to it.
I know the temperature at the North Pole in summer
is about 32 degrees (chuckles) and that’s not summer to me.

Santa: “Well, what about this?  Would you consider coming up
for the winters, stay long enough  to fix what needs fixing
and treat the reindeer after our Christmas trip, 
then you could go home for your fine summers?”

Dallas: “Well…”

Rudolf: “I have an idea.”

Santa: “Oh, boy.  Here we go.”

Rudy: “After Christmas, why don’t you drop me off
here for the summer? I could hang around with Miss Dallas?”

Dallas: “Wow! Would my five little brothers and sisters love that! 
They’d be askin’ for rides every two seconds.‘

Rudy: “Whattaya mean?  You mean on me?”
They’d all be wanting to ride on my back?!”

Dallas: “Over and over, and they don’t hardly ever get tired.”

Santa: “You ready to get back to work, Rudolf?

Rudolf: “Ready and willing, sir!”

Santa: “That’s more like it. Bye, Miss Dallas, and thank you.
Think about coming up. And  I'm sure Rudy would love to see you.”

Rudy: “If she comes by herself.”

Santa: “Ignition on. Rudy, let ‘er rip!”