I went to my Natropath Dr. a few days ago. The affirmation that came up was,
“It Is Safe To Remember.” I nearly cried. Really? Is it? I don’t want to remember.
I mean, the memories I ‘own’ are enough.

“Lord,” I prayed, “I don’t want to remember, but I don’t want to stay stuck either.
I want to trust You. I choose to trust You… I’m scared.”

I thought about two visions the Lord gave me years ago. I was processing my
emotions from the ‘first-round’ of memories that had surfaced. I drew out the visions. 

I'm walking away from life, going in the opposite direction. Jesus stopped me and
turned me around to face the demons of my past. I am scared, they held menacing knives,
long, sharp claws, evil red eyes. But they were ghosts. Memories of past abuse.

“You have to go back through this,” He said, putting His arm around my waist,
“face these demons and then you will be truly free.”

Another vision I had, I was walking through a forest. The ground was covered with coal
black ash, debris, fallen trees. As I trudged through, it grew harder and harder to move
forward, and then it became impassable. That’s when Jesus scooped me up and carried me.
I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but He moves with ease over the debris. I look at
the ground, it’s black, covered with ash and burnt logs, memories of pain and shame.
It’s so ugly I can’t bare to look at it. I bury my face in Abba’s chest. 

We walk for a long time, and then exit the forest. Its so bright!  I can hardly take
the pure light. I missed the familiar darkness. The grass, green and lush, the sky an
azure blue, beautiful; birds are singing.

Jesus sat me down; my legs are rubber, I feel weak, unsure if I can stand. I look
over my shoulder at where we’d come from and then at this beauty. 

Jesus has to nudge me forward, “Go, run. Have fun.” I start to walk, feeling unworthy
of this place, I stop and look back at Abba, making sure it’s okay for me to enjoy this beauty. 

Reassured with a nod, I turn and run. My legs feel strange, wobbly, but I keep going, faster
and faster, my stride became stronger with each step, joy filled my body and spirit. It’s euphoric.

Soon, Jesus called me back with a wave. He tells me we have to go back to the forest. I
don’t want to, but He holds my hand. As we walked, I noticed that it’s brighter now. No dark
trees blocking the sun. Everything is brown. I notice these large, swollen scars on the ground.
There are so many. I stoop down to touch them, and stop, afraid that it will hurt. 

“Go ahead, touch them, they won’t hurt. They’re the scars of your past, but
I will bring beauty out of it.”

I’ve journaled most of my life. I need to go back through these journals to look
at where I’ve come from. How far You’ve brought me, Lord. There’s still shame there.
I felt it when I looked through my journals. I did nothing wrong. Wrong was done to me.
My head knows this. My heart doubts at times.

I kept thinking about my affirmation, “It is safe to remember.” 

I woke up the next morning and You said to me,  “That would make a great book title.”

When I shared it with my husband and best friend they agreed. I’m excited…and
then reality sets in. I have to write this. That means looking at the memories I have,
not pleasant, and then facing the ‘rest of the story’ so to speak, as the memories
fill in completely. 

I want wholeness. I do. I just don’t like the pain. Never have. But running
from it doesn’t spare me the pain. It just comes out in other ways. It hurts
me and others. I don’t want that. 

I went back to the cabinet where my journals are stored. I pulled them out flipping
through them one at a time and I started to feel shaky inside. I began to
second guess myself.

Do I really want to do this? Maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. 

That’s when something caught my eye. I picked up the magnet, “Don’t
look back…you’re not going that way.”

WHOA! I stood there, stunned. Okay Lord, you’re right. You don’t want me
to go back to stuffing my feelings. 

I continued to flip through the journals when I came across an entry I’d written
of a specific childhood abuse. Fear put me in a vice grip, my insides shook. I
turned to put the journals back, I don’t feel like doing this today… and once
again two more scripture magnets caught my eye. 

One read, “I am Victorious.” The other read, “My grace is all you need. My power
works best in weakness," 2 Corinthians 12:9  (NLT). " For God is working in you,
giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him," Philippians 2:13 ( NLT).

Weak. That is absolutely how I feel. Okay, I can do this. I’m not sure where this book
is going, how it will turn out, what I’ll write or how I’ll write it. All I know is that I’m on
a journey. An adventure awaits me. I can feel that it will be bright, better on the other side,
I’m just scared of facing the demons. But, God is with me.

My best friend, Gail said, “I’m going to pray that you will see God was with you in
all those places.”  Wow, what a gift! That will be very healing; not just for myself
but for others who have walked a similar road.

So begins my journey….

October 24,2019, Thursday. I’m worshipping to New Creation Church Worship Music.
The song, “Until The End” came on. I threw up my arms and sang along, worshipping my
sweet Abba when He gave me the most precious vision.

I saw Holly, a daughter I’d aborted, and my children that I lost in miscarriage, in the spirit,
standing next to their momma worshipping our Lord, with me.  I cried. I am not alone.
How precious!! Thank You, My sweet Lord!