I’ve just lost it – I’ve been raging at Adam in the kitchen. I was furious at him, but I was also feeling uneasy and furious at myself. That lent volume to my distress. Embarrassment might usually have made me shut up, but this feels important.

I got so mad – I’m still not sure if I was angry at myself for drinking too much and losing control of the situation, or mad at Adam for using the situation to his own advantage.

Yes – he took advantage of me. Self control is obviously not a strong point with either of us. 

Last night, amidst the tail-end of the throng of animated bodies and boozy party talk, I lost my car keys. They wouldn’t actually have been lost, they’d be lying around Adam’s apartment somewhere, but in the mess of empty bottles and unwashed party plates and pizza boxes they could have been anywhere. 

Adam came across as being responsible: “You shouldn’t drive after a few drinks. Why don’t you stay the night? There’s a spare bed.”

It seemed a sensible idea; I didn’t need to be home by any particular time because my parents were away, so I settled in and had a few more drinks, a few more crazy shooters, a bit more flirting! Yay! It was fun! Dance party! A few more beers and shooters…. then uh, oh… I didn’t feel so good. I needed to lie down, to stop the room from spinning. It was time for bed.

Later, I woke in the black of night with a sense of foreboding, my head heavy from the alcohol and the weight of the world upon me. I felt like I'd been wrestling with a grizzly bear. Adam was on top of me – asleep! Oh my gosh! Our clothes were in disarray.

Clearly the deed was done. Was it? Probably. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! I was saving myself for the right time, with my intended husband! And now I've lost my virginity, and most assuredly, my dignity, my sense of wellbeing and self respect, and a friendship – because how will I ever be able to look Adam in the eye again, when he and I have been intimate, and not of my choosing? That's the biggie – I lost my capacity to choose the right course of action. 

Oh, this is too awful!  Everything has changed. I'm lost for words.