Humor Script posted December 3, 2019


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A Horse Race

by pome lover



Characters:

Pigeon-Toed Peg –
 a tough female wrangler who gouged two horses to death with her pointy-toed boots – unintentionally, of course. She now works at the Wind Tunnel Ranch.

Rovin’-eye Rick
a rough and tumble cowboy who also works on the Wind Tunnel Ranch. Rick’s roving-eye moniker is a joke, actually, because though he does eye all the ladies, the fact that his right eye is in constant motion, seems to be off-putting to most of them.

Lucille -
an ostrich, feisty and fast

Brute
short-tempered horse belonging to Rick. 

Narrator:
The Wind Tunnel Ranch is sponsoring a race between its six wranglers. Rivals for years, Peg and Rick have been pretty evenly matched. This year is uncertain, (“what with that ostrich.”) There’s a lot of money riding on the race.

Scene:
the dirt road that leads down to the loan tree on the ranch – the turn-around point. Strong winds are blowing sand and dust everywhere.

Peg:
“I swear, this is the windiest, dustiest, grittiest, sweatiest, most mizzerable place I have ever been unfortunate enough to work on.” She puts a small halter on Lucille, pats her neck, and hops on. “How’re we s’posed to see where we’re goin’?”

Rick:
 (walking Brute over to her,) “Brute can see through anything. And your bird oughta be all right. Them eyelashes on her silly head should keep the dust out, real good.  I ain’t never seen such eyelashes.”

Peg: “She understands English, you know.”

Rick:
“Hey! That was a compliment.”

Peg:
 “You called her head, silly.”

Rick:
“Oh.  That just kinda slipped out.”

Lucille:
leaned her long neck over and nipped Rick’s hand.

Rick:
“Ow! Blast you, you pitiful substitute for a horse!” He rubs his hand, scowling.

Peg:
laughs 

Brute:
horse-laugh

Ranch Boss:
“Riders, take your places. The race is about to begin.”

Narrator:
"Brute scowls and looks over at Lucille.  A second before the Boss shoots his pistol, Brute takes a chunk out of Lucille’s behind. And Lucille takes off – ha ha ha,-- man, can that bird run! Brute leaps out, head low, running like his reputation is at stake – which it is. Rick’s hat blows off – he squints his eyes against the sand and grit. Peg has her neckerchief pulled up over her nose and is sporting wrap-around sunglasses. The remaining pack of horses are between the two."

Peg:
“Yippee! Come on, you gorgeous ostrich!” she yells, grinning at Rick, going the other way, and gets a mouthful of sand.

Narrator:
“The conflicting sounds of Lucille’s “toes” hitting the ground in staccato beats and Brute’s powerful hooves, pounding down the road, would lead one to think the horse would win, but that is one mad ostrich!
As they both come down the home stretch, the dust and sand and wind are so bad, Rick and Brute angle off the track, unaware.”

Peg
:
“Come on gal!  Come on, Lucille! Don’t let ‘em catch up with you!”

Narrator:
“As Peg flew across the finish line, the thundering herd of wranglers raced past her, grouching and cursing.”

Wranglers:
“Beat by a stupid bird!”
“This was not a horse race.”
Shoulda never entered.”
“Hey, where’s Rick?”

Peg:
“Thank you kindly, Boss, for the blue ribbon, and especially for this nice wad of money.  I’m sorry to be quittin’ ya, but I think I’ll head down to San Antone where there’s trees and a river and I can see where I’m goin’. And if you see ol Rick, tell him it was a fun race but he better watch who he calls names!”

Narrator:
“And so, a happy ending for Miss Peg.  I believe I heard her say she wanted to ride on one of the floats in the big River Parade, dressed as Annie Oakley. But what ever happened to Rick?
Well, word has it, he stumbled into a quiet little town, that day, and went into the sheriff’s office to find out where he was, and she looked up…and her left eye looked… all around.  And she had the most beautiful smile.”

Mary Elizabeth:
“Hi, Stranger. My name is Mary Elizabeth, and you're in Marfa.”

Rick:
“Well, Howdy doooo!”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 



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