| Humor Script posted November 20, 2019 |
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Short Old West humorous script
John Shane Gets A Sidekick
by CrystieCookie999
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Characters John Shane The Hero, 25-35. Able to sound like John Wayne with a single sentence, and rides like the wind on his faithful horse, Sterling. Shorty John's witty, soon-to-be sidekick, 25-35. Rides a horse named Jumper. Chief Brown Eagle A minor Shoshone Indian chief Kewanee Wife of Chief Brown Eagle, name is a Native American variant of word for prairie hen Kimannah Daughter of Chief Brown Eagle and Kewanee, name is a variant of Shoshone word for butterfly. Of marriageable age, so at least 15. Setting: The Green River, Wyoming, 1895 Action Banks of a narrower, marshy area of the Green River in southwestern Wyoming. A couple of artificial trees on either side of stage. Sound of horse hoofbeats, a neigh. JOHN SHANE (Offstage.) Hold on here, Sterling, let me get that last knot. (Enters from Stage Right to Center Stage, then stands, looking mostly toward Stage Left.) This river looks pretty shallow here. (Stomps floor experimentally in several places with one boot.) Not too much give. I guess we can cross. (Turns and takes two or three steps back toward Stage Right, at the same time SHORTY races across stage with head turned, looking behind him with frightened expression, and runs right into JOHN's back. SHORTY falls backward onto the floor from the impact.) JOHN (Slightly irritated, but still polite enough to help SHORTY to stand.) Say, Mister, why don't you look where you're goin'? SHORTY ( Breathless from running.) That's just it! I don't know where I need to go! But it has to be far away from here! JOHN You ain't makin' a whole lotta sense. What's wrong with here? SHORTY They want me to marry her! And I just can't go marryin' no Shoshone princess! JOHN (Stands on toes slightly, peers offstage toward Left.) I don't see any Shoshone princess. Are you sure you haven't been swiggin' some bad whiskey? SHORTY No, no! I am sober as a preacher on Sunday morning. And a church for sanctuary or a hideout sounds mighty good right now. I tell ya, they're after me! JOHN Who's after you? And what's your name? SHORTY (Catches breath.) My name is Shorty. Chief Brown Eagle, his wife Kewanee, and their daughter, Kimannah are all in hot pursuit of me. They're mean, they're lean, they're weird, and... (CHIEF BROWN EAGLE, followed by KEWANEE and KIMANNAH, step briskly on stage from Stage Left and pause dramatically.) SHORTY They're HERE! (Slips behind JOHN SHANE and ducks behind his back, to peer over JOHN's shoulder.) CHIEF BROWN EAGLE (Holds up staff with brown feather attached.) Come back here! My daughter wants to marry you, and whatever Kimannah wants, Kimannah gets! KEWANEE Yes, and you can't get out of it, Mr. Shorty! KIMANNAH You kissed me! I kissed you! And that is as good as a promise to marry! SHORTY I was momentarily blinded by your pretty face! But I didn't want a commitment for life! Not me, not Shorty! JOHN Oh, so that's really your name? Shorty? SHORTY Right now, my name is Mud. JOHN Let me see if I can straighten this out. (Approaches CHIEF BROWN EAGLE.) Hey, I know you. Charlie Brown Eagle, ain't it? CHIEF BROWN EAGLE (Peers a little closer at JOHN.) Say, it is you! John Shane! A man of his word. Sorry I didn't recognize you right away. I left my glasses at home. Hot pursuit, you know. Trying to get the little chickadee to leave the nest. (Gestures with thumb towards KIMANNAH.) KIMANNAH (Pouting.) I heard that! KEWANEE (Consolingly, to KIMANNAH.) There, there, Kimannah. You can stay in the teepee until you are nineteen, if it takes that long. KIMANNAH All right, but I want my own room! CHIEF BROWN EAGLE (Sighs.) There, you see, John, what I have to put up with at home? And I have to share every buffalo steak I bring home. And they fight over the remote control that hasn't even been invented yet! JOHN Yeah, family life can be burdensome. But Shorty here is a friend of mine. SHORTY I am? I mean, that's right! I am a friend of John here. (To JOHN in lower voice.) Hey, what's your last name? JOHN (Whispers back to SHORTY.) Shane. (Raises voice.) Yes, and we go way back. Although I still remember the first time we met, when he ran into me. (Rubs his lower back as if there is a tender spot where SHORTY collided with him.) And believe me, you don't want Shorty here as a son-in-law. That's on account of he's got.... (Leans over to whisper in CHIEF BROWN EAGLE's ear. KEWANEE and KIMANNAH also lean over towards CHIEF BROWN EAGLE to try to eavesdrop.) CHIEF BROWN EAGLE (Shocked.) That is horrible! That is awful! I can not believe he is even still standing. (Turns toward wife and daughter, KEWANEE and KIMANNAH.) Ladies! The deal is off. We need someone who can produce little Shoshone warriors, and this man ain't gonna be able to step up to the teepee long term. And here's why! (Whispers to KEWANEE, who likewise looks shocked, and then KEWANEE whispers to KIMANNAH, who looks angrily at SHORTY but says nothing.) JOHN (Folds arms decisively.) Besides which, Shorty is my official sidekick. I need his talents in other escapades and travels. SHORTY You do? I mean... he does! (Not sure what was said in the whispered exchange previously, but knows it has turned the tide.) That's right, Chief Brown Eagle. I am John Shane's sidekick. It's a permanent position! And also, I want my horse, Jumper, returned to me as soon as you get back to your camp! (Turns to JOHN.) I need my horse back. I can't sleep at night without him tied up next to me. JOHN We will all go back to camp and get it, then. But Shorty and I here, we'll keep a friendly distance, if you get my drift. CHIEF BROWN EAGLE I get the picture, John. But no funny business! We got a tribe to run. (CHIEF BROWN EAGLE, KEWANEE, and KIMANNAH exit Stage Left. Next JOHN and SHORTY start to follow towards Stage Left.) SHORTY (To JOHN, in medium low voice.) Say, John, what in the world did you tell Chief Brown Eagle was the matter with me? What on earth made him and his wife and his daughter, Kimannah, change their minds completely? JOHN Aw, I told him you contracted a permanent case of Yellow Corn Fever. SHORTY Yellow Corn Fever! Not that, not Yellow Corn Fever. Anything but that! Say, what is Yellow Corn Fever? JOHN Well, here in these parts, it's a term for a disease that makes your favorite corn cob dry up and fall off. SHORTY (Puzzled.) My favorite corn cob? (Light dawns.) Oh, I get the picture! JOHN Yes, and it's mighty contagious. So don't stand so close to me, either, if you wanna convince the Chief and his daughter. SHORTY I got it, John. Say, you really saved my life here. JOHN Don't mention it. I got a feelin' you're gonna save mine someday. Probably in another script, though. So you got a while to walk off this close shave. And let's hurry, because the stage crew ain't gonna be able to keep my horse, Sterling, tied up offstage for long before he needs to go to the little horse's room. SHORTY I think this is the beginning of a great partnership. Since you got a horse, my horse, Jumper, needs a friend, too... (Voice trails off as JOHN and SHORTY exit Stage Left.) ( Lights down.) Write A Script contest entry
This is a brand new prequel to another script I wrote about John Shane, as a parody of John Wayne western movies. I can always use help with formatting. Shoshone is pronounced: show-shone-nee
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. 
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