Humor Poetry posted August 31, 2019

This work has reached the exceptional level
Have I gone tufa?

I'm Full of Schist

by LisaMay

Gneiss is Nice, or Rocks Rock Contest Winner 

It’s not a hassle for this old fossil 
to wrestle rocks into building blocks.
I don’t meddle with minor pebbles.

Now I shale tell you a story, if I may:

I’d been working all day, then to sleep down I lay.
I was feeling ore right ’til later that night,
for I had a bad dream and got queasy –
my bedrock ’n roll was uneasy.
(Oh dear, all those quartz of beer 
and crystal-clear gin
would explain the slate I was in.)

I tried to be stoic in the Mesozoic
but I was petrified in the wood –
the dinosaurs were up to no good.
I was chased by T Rex who wanted hot sex!
It was outrageous in the salacious Cretaceous.

It called for Jurassic measures to get far away
so I decided to sing and to pray –
that ‘Rock of Ages’ hymn saved the day.
(The Rolling Stones only caused groans.)
It was my intention to ask for divine intervention.
"For Geode’s sake help me survive!
I want to get out of this alive."
Then the asteroid hits blew poor Dino to bits;
the meteorite crater said, "See ya later!"
and eventually his bones became stones.

“It’s sedimentary, dear Watson,” said Sherlock Holmes.
“Don’t take it for granite you live on a safe planet.
Scientists might find you fossilised –
ossified when you’re immobilised.”

I could take a chip off the old block,
take my hammer to a rock,
but while wearing my MAGMA cap, I’ll refrain.
(Make America Geologically Magnificent Again)
Still, the tweets that he garbles 
show that he’s lost his marbles
as he gets older and boulder –
and I feel rather jaded
when the rocks in his head are paraded.
His volcanic eruptions cause diplomatic disruptions.
If you lava good chortle, maybe he’ll be immortal –
to cause more major rifts as tectonic plates shift.
It’s no fracking good – understood?

Chalk is cheap – I don’t want this to become tacky.
Perhaps I’ve gone tufa? Life gets very wacke.
Rock bottom I have hit. 
I’ll stop now – I won’t talc about it.

Pumice me you laughed a bit 
even though my poem is grit?
Yes, I’m full of schist! 
(Sorry, I could not resist.)


Gneiss is Nice, or Rocks Rock
Contest Winner

Author's Note:
These are all the rocky items in the poem:
pebbles, fossil, rocks, blocks, shale, ore, bedrock, quartz, crystal, slate, Mesozoic, petrified wood, Cretaceous, Jurassic, 'Rock of Ages', The Rolling Stones, Geode, asteroid, meteorite crater, stones, sedimentary, granite, fossilised, ossified, chip off the old block, hammer to a rock, MAGMA, (Make America Geologically Magnificent Again), tectonic plates, fracking, chalk, tufa, wacke, rock bottom, talc, pumice, grit, schist.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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