| Humor Fiction posted July 26, 2019 |
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A light-hearted parody of religion/book sales, with puns
Chipmunk Religions
by CrystieCookie999
Most people are unaware of the remarkable religious diversity among chipmunks. In fact, the ordinary person is often skeptical of this fact of nature, until provided with actual, indisputable cross references, which are easily verifiable--at least, if you know where to look, and if you are willing to use your imagination for at least the length of time it takes for a chipmunk to run and hide. If you wish to obtain a list of these cross references (and also some cheerful ones!) please send a check or money order or fistfuls of hard cash in the amount of $79.95 plus shipping and sales Tic Tacs to receive your very own copy of the newly published book: "Satisfy Your Curiosity About Chipmunk Religiosity." Below are some of the stunning facts you will find in this breath-defying book.
Catholic chipmunks may actually be hard to find, as they retire early to their mun-astery. (What? If human monks belong to a monastery, then naturally animal munks belong to a mun-astery. And of course, female Catholic munks retire to their nuttery--because Catholic ladies will have nun of this chipmunk nonsense in their nunneries.)
Once the Catholic chipmunks have been identified, one can easily locate and identify the Protestant persuasions, because they are the ones scolding the Catholic chipmunks in protestation.
Baptist chipmunks are the easiest to find and identify, since they are always chattering on about the "nuts" and bolts of the Bible. The same goes for Jehovah's Witness chipmunks. If you can't find them, they will find you!
Mormon chipmunks, of course, can be identified by asking the female ones if they belong to the Re-Leaf Society. A good follow-up question is: How many nuts have you found while researching your family trees?
U-nut-arian chipmunks can be identified due to their belief in mo-nut-theism, something like chipmunks following the Islamic persuasion.
Jewish chipmunks can often be identified and labeled very gently if they stand still long enough, due to their frequent trips to the Wailing Wal-nut, also known as the Western Wal-nut, this being the official term the Jewish chipmunks themselves prefer.
Hindu, Jainist, and Buddhist munks can be identified by asking them if they believe in reincar-NUT-ion. Other religions may also be found in select sections of the forest by asking simple questions such as: Do you prefer your nuts raw or Zo-roastered?
Of course there are a few non-denominational chipmunks running around who may not seem particularly attached to any definite doctrine, but they are still going to beg for religious donations--otherwise known as ALM-onds.
But always remember to be kind to chipmunks who belong to all religious persuasions, and do not sic your dogs, cats, or small children on them, or any one of them will be likely to turn around and scold you, saying, "Nuts to you!"
Most people are unaware of the remarkable religious diversity among chipmunks. In fact, the ordinary person is often skeptical of this fact of nature, until provided with actual, indisputable cross references, which are easily verifiable--at least, if you know where to look, and if you are willing to use your imagination for at least the length of time it takes for a chipmunk to run and hide. If you wish to obtain a list of these cross references (and also some cheerful ones!) please send a check or money order or fistfuls of hard cash in the amount of $79.95 plus shipping and sales Tic Tacs to receive your very own copy of the newly published book: "Satisfy Your Curiosity About Chipmunk Religiosity." Below are some of the stunning facts you will find in this breath-defying book.
Catholic chipmunks may actually be hard to find, as they retire early to their mun-astery. (What? If human monks belong to a monastery, then naturally animal munks belong to a mun-astery. And of course, female Catholic munks retire to their nuttery--because Catholic ladies will have nun of this chipmunk nonsense in their nunneries.)
Once the Catholic chipmunks have been identified, one can easily locate and identify the Protestant persuasions, because they are the ones scolding the Catholic chipmunks in protestation.
Baptist chipmunks are the easiest to find and identify, since they are always chattering on about the "nuts" and bolts of the Bible. The same goes for Jehovah's Witness chipmunks. If you can't find them, they will find you!
Mormon chipmunks, of course, can be identified by asking the female ones if they belong to the Re-Leaf Society. A good follow-up question is: How many nuts have you found while researching your family trees?
U-nut-arian chipmunks can be identified due to their belief in mo-nut-theism, something like chipmunks following the Islamic persuasion.
Jewish chipmunks can often be identified and labeled very gently if they stand still long enough, due to their frequent trips to the Wailing Wal-nut, also known as the Western Wal-nut, this being the official term the Jewish chipmunks themselves prefer.
Hindu, Jainist, and Buddhist munks can be identified by asking them if they believe in reincar-NUT-ion. Other religions may also be found in select sections of the forest by asking simple questions such as: Do you prefer your nuts raw or Zo-roastered?
Of course there are a few non-denominational chipmunks running around who may not seem particularly attached to any definite doctrine, but they are still going to beg for religious donations--otherwise known as ALM-onds.
But always remember to be kind to chipmunks who belong to all religious persuasions, and do not sic your dogs, cats, or small children on them, or any one of them will be likely to turn around and scold you, saying, "Nuts to you!"
Catholic chipmunks may actually be hard to find, as they retire early to their mun-astery. (What? If human monks belong to a monastery, then naturally animal munks belong to a mun-astery. And of course, female Catholic munks retire to their nuttery--because Catholic ladies will have nun of this chipmunk nonsense in their nunneries.)
Once the Catholic chipmunks have been identified, one can easily locate and identify the Protestant persuasions, because they are the ones scolding the Catholic chipmunks in protestation.
Baptist chipmunks are the easiest to find and identify, since they are always chattering on about the "nuts" and bolts of the Bible. The same goes for Jehovah's Witness chipmunks. If you can't find them, they will find you!
Mormon chipmunks, of course, can be identified by asking the female ones if they belong to the Re-Leaf Society. A good follow-up question is: How many nuts have you found while researching your family trees?
U-nut-arian chipmunks can be identified due to their belief in mo-nut-theism, something like chipmunks following the Islamic persuasion.
Jewish chipmunks can often be identified and labeled very gently if they stand still long enough, due to their frequent trips to the Wailing Wal-nut, also known as the Western Wal-nut, this being the official term the Jewish chipmunks themselves prefer.
Hindu, Jainist, and Buddhist munks can be identified by asking them if they believe in reincar-NUT-ion. Other religions may also be found in select sections of the forest by asking simple questions such as: Do you prefer your nuts raw or Zo-roastered?
Of course there are a few non-denominational chipmunks running around who may not seem particularly attached to any definite doctrine, but they are still going to beg for religious donations--otherwise known as ALM-onds.
But always remember to be kind to chipmunks who belong to all religious persuasions, and do not sic your dogs, cats, or small children on them, or any one of them will be likely to turn around and scold you, saying, "Nuts to you!"
 Recognized |
#403 2019 |
Thank you to Lilibug6 for an excellent example of chipmunk cute-tatiousness. He might even be sitting in his church of choice here, somewhere in the pine pews.
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and 2 member cents. Artwork by Lilibug6 at FanArtReview.com
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