CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Antonio Giuseppe/Anthony Joseph/AJ - street-smart urchin
A down and out, mostly washed up, homicide detective


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Written to be performed in front of a live studio audience, this script contains few stage directions and speech tags in order that the reader can place their own interpretations onto what is presented.


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(Violently, the detective kicks the divan with a loud thud. Startled, its young occupant springs up to a sitting position. He gives a full stretch and yawns. His mouth agape. Then, he rubs the sleep out of his tired eyes. They're Crater Lake dark and deep blue.)

"Cool your jets, dude. You didn't hafta kick me off the couch. I can't believe I fell asleep."

"Guess that means it's not your lucky day after all, and I'll do more than kick you off the couch if you don't tell me who you are and what you're doing in my house."

"You gonna turn me over to the town clowns?"

"For your information wise guy, I'm a cop. And, I'm waiting for your explanation. So, it'd better be a real humdinger. Now, let's start over with something simple even you should be able to answer. What's your name?"

"Antonio Giuseppe."

"You must be Nordic?"

"Say what?"

"Unless my eyes deceive me, you have flaxen hair and ivory skin. Therefore, you must descend from northern Italy."

"Dude, I ain't no kind of Italian! My dad was a paratrooper in the army. He went to Rome and liked the scenery. He gave me an Italian name to remember it by. That's all."

"Where's your dad now? Does he know you go around breaking into strangers' houses and snoozing on their couches whenever you feel like it?"

(The boy places his hand over his heart and raises his eyes upward)

"My dad kicked off ten years ago. And, before you ask, my mom checked out before that. Dad told me mom couldn't handle being a soldier's wife. I go by AJ."

"You mean AG. Holy Moses, kids today are something else! Can't you even get your facts straight about your own name? Suggest you practice your alibi before you paint yourself into a corner you can't get out of."

"In English, Antonio Giuseppe means Anthony Joseph. Just call me AJ. Everyone does"

"If your parents aren't around then where do you stay?"

"I used to chill at the Fireside Boys Home. But, I ain't goin' back there."

"You mean over in Grand Junction? That's clear across the state."

"I travel good. Big rigs cross mountains."

"You're telling me you ran away?"

"Two weeks ago. I got in a fight with a bully and closed his trap. I lost my privileges, so I ditched the joint."

"One thing's for certain, I know you can't be hungry. I found the empty meat wrapper you left laying in the sink with the dirty skillet when you fried yourself a hamburger."

"It was a double cheeseburger, but hey, a growin' boy's gotta eat ya know. And, the chocolate pudding you had in the fridge was tasty, too."

"You ate my pudding?"

"Yeah, I did. Slid right down the hatch."

"That was going to be my special treat, dildo. Thanks a lot!"

"My bad. But, it was yummy."

"How'd you break in here anyway, AJ?"

"My handy dandy trusty lock picker. I just slipped it into the keyhole and voila!"

"Turn it over. Immediately!"

"Here ya go."

"Where did you get this lock picker?"

"The same place I get everything. The Sticky Fingers Shoppe."

"If you were my boy, I'd..."

"If I was your boy you'd what?"

(The detective glares at AJ)

"I'd yank the back of your jeans down right now and paddle your canoe so hard I promise you wouldn't sit down until long after you graduated from the University of Denver!"

(Those prospects do not enthuse AJ. He swallows hard.)

"What's the matter? All of a sudden you don't know what to say do you? Well, I might just have to back up my talk with plenty of action."

"So, you gonna run me in or what?"

"I should."

"But, you're not?"

"Stay the night if you want and crash out on the couch. There ain't nothing worth stealing in the place. If you decide to leave, close the front door tight behind you. It catches."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Grab a couple Coors and go watch a girlie flick or two. It's been a long day. Don't even ask. You're much too young for that."

"Drinking beer ain't good for your ticker."

"And, breaking into my house makes you cruising for a butt bruising."

(AJ silently asks himself) You talk a good game, but can you deliver your promises? That's what I wanna know."

"Just keep the noise down to a low rumble. I've got a major headache. The tv's over in the corner if you want to catch something. Don't worry, I keep the channels locked."

"You're really a barney?"

"Homicide detective. Fifteenth Precinct. Currently working the Mark Ballister murders, if you know what they are."

"Ain't that the moron who killed them four whores and buried them at the dump?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"On Channel Six, 'cept you're ropin' the wrong dogie, cowboy. The stoolie didn't wax 'em."

"What do you know about this case?"

"I know your power bill's a hundred and ten dollars overdue."

"You flipped through my mail?"

"You shouldn't leave it on the table. What did'cha expect me to do, flush it down the toilet like your case against Ballister?"

"I'm all ears."

"And, I'm just sayin' two plus two ain't four. I'll let you figure that one out for yourself, Mr. Homicide Detective. Like them Allstate commercials say on tv, what does mayhem like me know about anything?"