“Bailiff, call the first witness,” says Judge Massey.

Bailiff: “I call Ms. Junella Pamper to the stand.”

A heavy-set, gray-haired woman stepped forward.

Bailiff: “Ms Pamper, raise your right hand. Do you swea …your right hand, Ms. Pamper. Ma’am that is your left hand.  Raise the other one! Where was I?  Right. Do you…Ms. Pamper, why did you switch back to your other hand?”

“Well, you said, right and this is my right.”

Judge Massey intervenes.  “No, Ms. Pamper, it is not.  It is your left. For God's sake, woman,don’t you know your right from your left?”

“Mr. Judge, I only have one eye that I can see with but a long time ago I forgot which one it was,  so I figured the hand I could see was prob’ly my right hand and that’s this here one,” she said, holding up her left.

“No.  Ma’am.  It is not."  Judge Massey puts his head in his hands, then, with a sigh, resumes.
"Ms. Pamper, you don’t drive, I take it.  But … you do?"  He shakes his head, then very clearly,says, "Ms. Pamper, you drive a car without a license?”

“No, sir.”

“No, sir, what?”

“No, sir, …sir.”

“Ms. Pamper, I am about to lose patience with you.  I will ask you one more time and I want a simple, straight forward answer.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir, sir.”

“One sir is enough.”

“Sir.”

“Ms. Pamper, do you have a valid driver’s license?”

“Yes, sir.  I have a driver’s license.”

“Is it valid?”

“Judge, I don’t know what valid means, but I’ve had that license for nigh on to fifty years and it  ain’t got tore or nuthin,’ so I’m guessin’ it’s valid.”

“Fifty years!  The same license?”

“You betcha, Judge.  I ain’t never lost it, neither. ‘Course, the writin’s ‘bout wore off.”

“Ms Pamper, haven’t you gotten notices in the mail, through the years, telling you it was time to renew your license?”

“Well, sure, but I figured why’d I need to pay for a new one when the one I already paid for was perfectly good.”

“Because it isn’t perfectly good, and the need to get a new one is the law.”

“Oh. Well. That’s a silly law, if you ask me.”

“Ms. Pamper, raise that hand, there, and…yes, that one, and repeat what the bailiff says to you. The day’s already half over and we haven’t even begun this hearing.”

“Uh, Judge, sir, I hate to interrupt, but what time is it?”

“Ms Pamper, don’t worry about the time; just answer…”

“S’cuse me, Judge, but I gotta go pick up my kids.”

“Ms. Pamper, in the first place, you let me worry about the time; in the second, you should not be driving your car with an expired driver’s license, and third, and most important, you should not be driving kids in your car or anybody else’s car.”

“Mr. Judge, in the first place, I done told you I don’t drive no car; in the second place, I gotta job an I cain’t be late, and third, those kids depend on me to be there.”

“Ms. Pamper, I’m sorry but you’ll have to call a friend or somebody to pick up your grandkids because you’ve got to stay here until I say you can leave.”

“Who said anything about grandkids?  They ain’t my grandkids.   Theys…”

“Ms. Pamper! I’m afraid you won’t be picking up anybody.  You will need to call somebody to come get you, or else you’ll have to ride the bus.”

“Yo Honor!  I drive the bus!  And I gotta go get my kids!”

“You…drive… the, the school bus?”

“For the pass ten years, yessir.  I’m a good driver.”

“I declare this court adjourned for today.  If I stay any longer I will ki… Court adjourned!”