General Script posted February 11, 2019


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Super Bowl Sunday

Scenes from a Marriage, Vol. 24

by Mark Valentine


SCENE: The Valentine house. Mark has just come up from the basement. His wife Maggie is in the kitchen.
 
MARK: (proudly) Let all who dwell here pay me homage for I have done wondrous deeds!

MAGGIE: Your mom’s asleep.

MARK: Well then I guess it’s just you.

MAGGIE: I should pay you homage?

MARK: For I have done wondrous deeds.

MAGGIE: What deeds would those be?

MARK: I have brought light to the dark places.

MAGGIE: Tell me more.

MARK: I installed a new light fixture in the basement.

MAGGIE: Where?

MARK: In the laundry room.

MAGGIE: Don’t we already have a light there?

MARK: There’s that small, pull-chain fixture over the washer, but I installed a fluorescent light in the corner where the ironing board is.

MAGGIE: We have an ironing board?

MARK: Yes. We also have a vacuum cleaner and an oven.

MAGGIE: Get out!

MARK: No, it’s true! How do you think I make all those meals?

MAGGIE: I guess I never stopped to think of it before. Anyway, what else did you do?

MARK: What do you mean?

MAGGIE: Besides installing the light, what else did you do? You said you did wondrous deeds.

MARK: It just sounds better in the plural.

MAGGIE: Is this light electric?

MARK: As opposed to kerosene? Yes, it’s electric. Why do you ask?

MAGGIE: It’s just that … you’re not…

MARK: A real man?

MAGGIE: I was going to say an electrician.

MARK: It’s not rocket science. It works just fine.

MAGGIE: I was just recalling…

MARK: I know the ‘Ceiling Fan Incident of 2004’. You’re never going to let go of that, are you?

MAGGIE: You almost killed our daughter.

MARK: She was fine. Her hair grew back.

MAGGIE: To this day she won’t touch a light switch.

MARK: In a year or so she won’t have to. All that stuff is gonna be voice activated. Anyway, I followed a YouTube instructional video to install this light. Back in 2004, they didn’t have YouTube videos. They’ve got YouTube videos for everything now. You can learn how to fly a plane on YouTube.

MAGGIE: You should make a YouTube video.

MARK: I know, right?

MAGGIE: What do you know how to do that you could teach?

MARK: (silence)

MAGGIE: (silence)

MARK: (silence)

MAGGIE: Anyway, I’m not gonna die if I turn on the light?

MARK: Probably not, but just to be on the safe side maybe you shouldn’t do any ironing for a while.

MAGGIE: Good safety tip – thanks.

Mark goes into the living room and turns on the television. Maggie follows him in.

MAGGIE: You’re gonna watch the game?

MARK: It’s the Super Bowl. It’s required watching. Don’t you want to watch it?

MAGGIE: No. I can’t stand Tom Brady.

MARK: Why?

MAGGIE: Because he’s Tom Brady. Everybody hates him.

MARK: All women hate him. I think it’s reaction formation. In reality they’re afraid of how much they’re attracted to him

MAGGIE: Not me. I’m afraid of how much I’m attracted to you.

MARK: Nice try. Don’t think that you can slip that kind of sarcasm by me. I have a PhD in sarcasm.

MAGGIE: Maybe that could be the topic of your YouTube video?

MARK: Now you’re talking.

Mark gets up and walks away.

MAGGIE: Where are you going?

MARK: To the bathroom.

MAGGIE: Your bathroom is upstairs.

MARK: But this bathroom is right here and nobody’s using it. Besides, I’m not gonna drop a deuce – just a quick pee.

MAGGIE: I know. That’s the problem. You always get pee on the floor.

MARK: No I don’t. What are you talking about?

MAGGIE: There’s always pee on the floor after you use the bathroom.

MARK: No there isn’t. That must be Dave.

MAGGIE: Dave’s been back in New York for a month now.

MARK: Well then maybe it’s you.

MAGGIE: I don’t think that’s possible.

MARK: Why not?

MAGGIE: Do you even know how women pee?

MARK: No, but I’m sure there’s a YouTube video for that.

Mark starts to search on his phone

MARK: Wow – there are thousands of them. Says here I have to turn off our safe search filter though. Look! Here’s one with Donald Trump!

MAGGIE: You’re an idiot.

MARK: Idiot or not, I know how to pee. I promise to pee in the toilet. Do you want to watch?

MAGGIE: If you get so much as one drop of pee on that floor, I swear I’ll…

MARK: You’ll what?

MAGGIE: Something.

MARK: Hard to go on strike when you don’t work, isn’t it?

MAGGIE: I have other leverage.

MARK: What? You’ll withhold sex? Goodness, how would I ever survive?

MAGGIE: And there’s your famous sarcasm. Be sure to include that one in your video.

MARK: I shall. Anyway, I promise I’ll be careful.

Mark closes the bathroom door.

MARK (loudly so Maggie can hear through the closed door): I’m peeing into the toilet now. Nothing’s going on the floor. See, what did I tell you? Oh, wait, spoke too soon… a few drops just landed on the floor to the right of the toilet…

MAGGIE: STOP RIGHT NOW!

MARK: …and now there’s a couple more. Holy cow, now the pee is just going everywhere! Oh my God - it’s splashing against the wall -- this is horrific – I think some just splashed on your toothbrush OH, THE HUMANITY!

(Mark comes out of the bathroom, smiling)

MAGGIE: And now I have to divorce you. We almost made it to twenty five years. Such a shame.

MARK: Think of the money we’ll save on a fancy dinner.

MAGGIE: I get the car. You can have the house.

MARK: I don’t want the house – there’s pee all over the bathroom floors. Who would want to live like that? We can work out the details later – the game’s about to start.

MAGGIE: I’m going upstairs. Call me at halftime. Maroon 5 is performing. Maybe Adam Levine will take his shirt off.
 


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