Yes, I'm a flying penis. One of many.

In fact, there's an entire army of us ready to take flight at a moments notice. We're stationed all over the world. Truth be known, we're more like cock-kites than birds. Our testicles act as the kite part. With just the right amount of wind, those babies can lift even the biggest dick to soaring heights.

My battalion is called the Fearless Foreskins. Our added appendage provides protection to the delicate flesh of our head and eyes, well...eye. We even have certain advantages over our circumcised brothers when incognito. I've played dead in many a vegetable garden.

Our mortal enemy is the snapping vagina. Now, I'm not implying all vagina's are snapping, most are domesticated. But the snappers are angry vagina's. Out for revenge. It's only after a snapping vagina has ripped us from our host that we become cock-kites.

Through out history there have been many famous snapping vagina's: Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, and Sandy Caparelli. You probably never heard of Sandy. She was notorious at Carterville High. She castrated the entire football team and half the Drum and Bugle Corp.

Prior to becoming a Flying Penis, I enjoyed a decent sex life. My host was Barney. A nice, average guy. We got along well. He even gave me a name, Jack. He'd joke that he was going to get Jack off. It was funny, at the time.

When we were going through adolescences we experimented, tried different masterbation techniques. We once even tried another guy. But, it didn't work out. He was older and only interested in Barney's behind. I never saw any action.

Then we graduated high school and Barney got a job. We went on trips together. He sold toothbrushes and dental hygiene products. We'd check into a room and he's set up his samples. Clients would come in...you know the routine.

Then, at the end of the day we'd head to the bar. Sometimes Barney got lucky and sometimes not. But, he always treated me with respect. He always wrapped me up in a condom if he got lucky. But, those instances were few.

Mostly, we just enjoyed each other, all alone, in his hotel room. Just a jar of Vaseline and a good ole porn movie. I still think the oldies are better than the new ones. Debbie Does Dallas is my all time favorite.

Then he met Gloria. Gloria was...ahem...a pro. The first time we invested in her services I thought my testicles would fall off. She rode me so hard I had bruises on my balls for a week. But I hung in there. I did my job. Apparently too well. He married her.

In the beginning it was good, sort of...if you discount her strangle hold on my gonads. She'd reach back and pull my balls away from my shaft and twist them in a knot. I still can't figure out what that was about. But, I rose to every occasion for the better part of twenty years even though she renamed me, Momma's Baby. I liked being Jack better.

And then...menopause.

Oh, she was clever. Don't think she wasn't. It was all so groovy in the beginning. All the sweet smelling douche stuff. All the slippery moisturizers. But after a few strokes it was "Hop-along-Cassidy" time on the dusty trail. I swear there was sand in there. I have the scar tissue to prove it.

So, I did what any penis would do, I started playing hard to get. She'd grease up her hands and stroke me, but I refused to budge.

Then she resorted to dirty tricks. The "Let Momma suck baby" bullshit. And she'd circle my shaft with her expert tongue. Yeah, I got up for that action. Rock hard, Momma.

And...just when I was close to blowing my wad, the big payoff, she'd jump on me. Straddle my head. Smother me with her floppy, flapping vagina lips. And it was too late to back out. I'd be too close to my happy ending.

Bleeding is not my idea of a good time. But bleed I did.

Barney refused to go to the doctor. My sore got worse. But Gloria had no mercy for me.

That's when I started to hide. I refused to come out. Refused to endure her manipulations. And that's when she turned on us, Barney and me. And that's when I was sent packing. Ripped off. Tossed to the curb like day old Caesar salad.

So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to bring the Gloria's of the world to their knees. Literally.

Now we hold seminars, Barney and I. We're working together, again.

I fly around at night and hang signs. Barney does the talking. He educates men on how to avoid dust bowls and continue to satisfy the ladies. He demonstrates double finger penetration with thumb manipulation. It takes some practice, and he cautions users of the possibility of carpal tunnel injury.

Last, but not least, he encourages cunnilingus. Apparently, many women are perfectly happy with just a little lick and finger action. Who knew!

We have a line of marital aids. Creams, jellies, gloves, and dildos. Some of the dildo's are big, some are small, some twirl, some just vibrate. So far, business is booming. Wish us luck.