There are a lot of conspiracy theories out there and, for the most part, I ignore them. It's usually some crazy theory about something that is obviously not true. Or, something that actually happened but a few loonies got together and sprinkled doubt into the minds of folks to make them think it hadn't. Personally, I refuse to believe that the US landing on the moon was a hoax, but there are a lot of folks that believe that there was some kind of conspiracy involved. The assassination of John F. Kennedy had a multitude of conspiracy theories attached to it, and there were those who insisted that if the assassination wasn't a part of a conspiracy theory, then surely it was the result of one. Some folks believe Elvis is still alive, or was abducted by aliens, that Bigfoot wonders through the woods of the Pacific Northwest, and that Hitler went on to lead a normal, peaceful life after WWII. Come on people! Let's use a little common sense, here. If you try using some logic, you'll see that some things are just not possible.

I often wonder how folks can fall for such nonsense. Somehow these ludicrous ideas plant themselves and become real in what has to be the mind of someone whose elevator doesn't quite go all the way to the top floor...if you know what I'm saying. Conspiracy theories are made up by individuals with way too much time on their hands, or folks who just can't face the reality of what really happened, or what doesn't exist. I feel sorry for these poor, misguided people.

In the midst of everyone else's craziness, however, I have uncovered a frightening truth that is very real. It's something that we all should be up in arms about. A fact, not a theory, so unbelievable, that it stinks of conspiracy and should frighten any normal, intelligent person half to death. The truth is, our government is paying potato chip manufacturers to add a chemical to potato chips that causes instant addiction. Yep, it's true! We crave the delicious, crunchy, thinly sliced and deep-fried potatoes, and it's not our fault. One of the potato chip brands went so far as to taunt us a few years ago with their marketing slogan, "Bet you can't eat just one!" Well, that's a bet I won't be taking, because they're right! Of course you can't eat just one! The drugs in the chips make it so that you simply cannot stop at one. You have no control; you continue to shove the crunchy, salty goodness into your face until you're sick, or there is nothing but crumbs left in the bag. Even then, some folks turn the bag into a funnel and pour the tiny pieces of addiction down their throats. Have you not seen this? Of course you have! We all have!

I started becoming suspicious of what was in our chips a couple of years ago. I walked into the kitchen one Saturday and had to break up a fight between my teenage sons. Each of them had a death grip on a bag of sour cream and onion chips, and neither of them was backing down. I tried to reason with them, and reached for the bag, telling them they could share or I would take it away and neither of them would have any. They both looked at me as though they could easily kill me. I was terrified of my own children. I let go of the bag and told them, as calmly as I could, to share, or I would never buy chips again. They looked at each other and, in unison, tossed the bag onto the counter, ripped it open, and began to shove handfuls of chips into their mouths. They looked like animals! I quickly retreated to my room, trying to pull myself together. I leaned against the door and thought about my boys fighting over that stupid bag of fried potatoes. What could have come over them?

Needing comfort, I opened my bedside table and felt for the bag of chips that was hidden at the back of the drawer. You know the one; that special lunch sized bag that you keep on hand for emergencies. Well, this was an emergency. With shaking hands, I opened the bag and started to cram the chips into my mouth. It took a few minutes, but I could feel the calming effect by the time I finished the bag. As I sat there, I tried to understand this obsession my children had over that bag of chips. I got up and went to my closet, pulling a large box down from the top shelf. Absentmindedly, I dug through the contents until I found a replacement bag for the chips I had just consumed. As I pushed the box back up into the closet, and placed the small bag in the back of the drawer, I tried to understand what was going on with my children. How did they become so obsessed with potato chips that they were willing to fight over them?

Later that day, I was putting laundry away in my son's room. When I opened the closet, I couldn't believe my eyes. There on the floor was a shopping bag full of potato chips. There were lunch sized bags, large bags, all different flavors... so many bags that they were spilling out of the shopping bag. I stepped back, away from the closet, until the back of my knees hit his bed. I plopped down onto the bed and stared at the shopping bag. Tears ran down my face. I was angry, and hurt...so many emotions flooded through me. Finally, I wiped the tears away and stood. I had to get to the bottom of this.

Still shaking, I went looking for my son. As I walked through the kitchen, I saw that the boys had cleaned up the mess from earlier. There wasn't a chip to be seen and the counter had been wiped down... or... were those tongue marks? I continued into the family room, and I couldn't believe that the boy sitting in front of the television, watching SpongeBob and eating chocolate bars, was the same person that had a stash of chips in his closet. I stood there for a second, then went over and sat next to him on the couch. I took the remote and turned the TV off.

"Honey, we need to talk", I said quietly.

"Sure, mom. What's wrong?" He wiped the chocolate from his face and turned to me. The concern in his eyes about did me in. But, I had to be strong.

"I want to talk to you about what's in your closet." There! It was out. I watched my son as I saw fear, shame, and uncertainty flash across his chubby face. He put his head down and took a deep breath.

"Mom, I wanted to tell you. I thought I could beat this, but I can't. I'm...um...I'm addicted to potato chips." He started to cry and I thought my heart would break. I put my arm around him and pulled him close.

"It's not your fault, honey. Somehow, the potato chip companies must be putting something in their chips that have you addicted. Shhh... it's okay. We'll get to the bottom of this". I gave him his chocolate bars back and left the room.

The next few days were tough, making sure my son didn't eat any chips. He had some withdrawals, but I didn't give in. All the chips went into my room and stayed there. It took me a couple of days, but I was able to finish them off. I'm a mom; I would do anything for my child.

I read all the bags of chips that we had to see what the ingredients were, but nothing stood out as being addictive. Each time I finished a bag of chips, I waited, but I wasn't driven to grab another bag...not immediately, anyway. The only conclusion I could draw was that only some people responded to whatever was in the chips. I was fine, and my husband, and other son, didn't behave abnormally towards them. Still, just to be cautious, we limited ourselves to no more than two bags a day, just until we could figure out what was going on. And, figure it out I did!

I figured out that the government was paying potato chip manufacturers to add chemicals to the potato chips. I was well aware of the addictive behavior that the drugs caused, which resulted in the purchase of more chips. But, I didn't know why. Well, now I do, and it's a harsh and frightening reality. With the extra money the chip manufacturers make from addicted chip eaters, they are funding the building of communities for extraterrestrials! Can you believe that!? Our government is inviting beings from other planets to come to earth, and they are even providing them with their own communities! I, for one, am outraged that our government would pull such a shady and underhanded move behind our backs. I hope everyone is as outraged as I am.

So, the next time you get a craving for something crunchy and salty, give it some thought before you reach for that bag of chips. Do you really want to be part of the biggest conspiracy theory ever uncovered? Can you live with yourself, knowing that you helped to fund the building of communities for creatures from outerspace? I certainly don't want that on my conscience. I will no longer be held captive to this sick game our government has been playing on us. As soon as I finish this bag of delicious BBQ chips, I'm done! Well, maybe after the bags of chips in the pantry are gone... I can't waste food! But after that, no more! Except the occasional bag to...um... for research! Yeah, that's it! For research! I'll make that sacrifice for humankind. You're welcome!