Ihave written before about attempting suicide, but not of the ongoing utter despair which lead up to it, and the number of attempts there actually were. I guess some of that is due to embarrassment or shame, but also the fact that I don't even know the number of attempts. I was hospitalized for three, two overdoses and one, trying to drive into an electrical power sub-station.

But there were more, so many more that I lost count. I overdosed several times, and mixed drugs and alcohol in what should have been lethal doses, many others. I researched the Physician's Desk Reference to see what a lethal dose or combination would be. They were serious and pre-meditated attempts done when I thought no one would be around to find me. After these, I would wake up a day or two later, very sick, and feeling even more of a failure because of all things, I couldn't even get this right. People accidentally overdose every day, but even trying to, I couldn't do it.

I am fortunate now to have had eighteen years without sinking to the endless type of severe depression which led to these. I still have periods of depression, most recently, the past few months, but they are more related to life circumstances than the deep, endless type of hopelessness I felt years ago. Some of the change is due to medication, some due to having a support system which was absent in the past. Much is due to having been told that I matter, I'm not alone, and I will be alright. Simple words, yes, but life-saving as well.

Several years ago, I was at a graduation party. The father of the graduate had depression. I didn't know him very well, but well enough to sense he was deeply troubled that day. I knew he was in pain, but due to my own issues, I didn't reach out to him. I had every opportunity; we were outside the party room with the guest book most of the afternoon. After returning to the group home where he lived, he started himself on fire. He now lives with not only the pain of depression, but with disfigurement from the extensive burns he suffered. Could I have made a difference that day? I'll never know but will always live with the guilt of knowing he was suffering and not even making an attempt to do anything about it. Perhaps a chance to talk about it and a few simple kind words could have prevented this tragedy.

Please keep Braden's words in mind:
P
If you can...find someone who looks like they need to hear it...even if you don't know them...just...say something to make them feel good about themselves. Tell them they matter...when the rest of the world tells them they don't.

It might just be you that makes a difference in someone's life today.