Humor Script posted September 15, 2016

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A dream to build a kiss on

Scenes From A Marriage: Vol 14

by Mark Valentine

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Due to the length of the Cubs’ division clinching victory celebration, we now join “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”, already in progress.

The Tonight Show comes on. Gwyneth Paltrow is in mid-sentence.

GYWNETH PALTROW:  …so I’m backstage with my Oscar, getting ready to go to the after-party at Bob’s house.

JIMMY FALLON: That’s Robert DeNiro’s house.

GWYNETH PALTROW: Right. Anyway, I’m walking toward the door, and this big guy zooms by, snatches the Oscar out of my hand, makes toward the exit. Out of nowhere comes Dame Helen Mirren and just cold-cocks the guy. Knocks him out. I tell you that little gal packs quite a punch.

JIMMY FALLON: Wow, that’s nuts.


JIMMY FALLON: Gywneth Paltrow, thank you so much for taking the time to join us tonight. Her new cookbook “It’s All Easy” is now in stores, and her new movie “Iron Man 4” opens in theaters on September 23rd. Gywneth Paltrow, everybody!

Audience applauds

JIMMY FALLON: Actually, Gywneth, if you have time to stick around a bit, I know you might want to meet our next guest. He’s a social worker from Chicago, and earlier today he completed a very difficult New York Times crossword puzzle in under half an hour. Please give a warm Tonight Show welcome to Mr. Mark Valentine.

Audience applauds. Mark walks on stage.

JIMMY FALLON: Welcome to the Tonight Show

MARK: Thanks for having me, Jimmy

JIMMY FALLON: Have you met Gwyneth?

MARK: No, I haven’t had the pleasure. How do you do, Ms. Paltrow I’m a big fan

GYWNETH PALTROW: Please, call me Gwyneth. Gosh, you’re very handsome.

MARK (bashfully): Shucks, thank you Ms Palt... I mean Gwyneth. You’re awfully pretty yourself.

Audience laughs

JIMMY FALLON: So Mark, tell me about this puzzle.

MARK: Well it was a particularly hard one today Jimmy. You see all of the clues were in the form of anagrams, so for example the answer to the clue “Folgers concern” was “swing”.


MARK: Yes.

JIMMY FALLON: I don’t get it.

MARK: You see first you had to rearrange the letters in Folgers to get golfers, and only then could you answer the clue.

Audience oohs and ahs

JIMMY FALLON: And all of the clues were like that?

MARK: Yes, they were.

JIMMY FALLON: Amazing! And you solved the whole puzzle without help?

MARK: Yes – in about 29 minutes.

Audience claps wildly

JIMMY FALLON: That’s great!

GYWNETH PALTROW: You are so talented!

MARK: Thanks.

JIMMY FALLON: So, Mark – tell us a little about your personal life.

MARK: Well Jimmy, I have three children. One in high school and two in college.

JIMMY FALLON: You must be very proud.

MARK: Yeah, it’s been difficult. You see I’ve had to be both mother and father to them.

JIMMY FALLON:  Oh I’m so sorry. Did your wife pass away?

MARK: No, she’s just really lazy.

Audience laughs

MARK: No, I’m just kidding.  She’s dead.

JIMMY FALLON: So sorry to hear that. When did she pass away?

MARK: Earlier today actually. She had a bad cold all week and finally succumbed this morning.

GWYNETH PALTROW: That’s so sad. You must be extremely lonely and in need of comfort. (She places her hand on his arm)

JIMMY FALLON: Yeah, and it makes that whole crossword puzzle thing all the more impressive.

MARK: We do have to try to soldier on through adversity.

GYWNETH PALTROW: So brave. (She grasps Mark’s hand. They look at each other).

JIMMY FALLON: OK then. (reading from notes) It says here that you’re a former athlete.

MARK: That’s right, Jimmy. I was the back-up point guard on my high school basketball team.

JIMMY FALLON: And I understand you once scored six points in a game.

MARK: Yes, that was the Lindblom game. We won that game by 22.

JIMMY FALLON: But without you…?

MARK: We would have only won by sixteen.

Audience applauds

JIMMY FALLON: Remarkable. I could sort of tell by your athletic build that you must have played sports.

GYWNETH PALTROW: (She feels his biceps). I see what you mean Jimmy. Look at this guy. He looks like he could still play. So muscular.

MARK: Well, I do try to work out.

JIMMY FALLON: Mark, Gwyneth and I were talking earlier about her involvement in the animal rights movement. Do you have any involvement in social causes?

MARK: As a matter of fact, I recently started an organization called Save the Otters.

JIMMY FALLON: Interesting. I wasn’t aware that Otters were an endangered species.

MARK: They’re not yet. We’re trying to be proactive and make sure that they never become one. They’re a national treasure. One of the most playful of all river mammals.

GYWNETH PALTROW:  That is so smart and forward thinking. (She again rests her hand on his arm).

JIMMY FALLON:  So what are the main threats to the otter?

MARK: Well Jimmy, as so often is the case nowadays, it’s the Portuguese.

GYWNETH PALTROW (shaking her head and muttering): Those bastards.

JIMMY FALLON: What exactly are they doing?

MARK: Well, Byron…

JIMMY FALLON (interrupting): Jimmy.

MARK: Sorry. Well Jimmy, they display them for entertainment. Otter circuses are big in Lisbon. They keep these poor helpless animals in tiny, squalid, cages and use whips on them to train them to do tricks. All for the amusement of wealthy Portuguese businessmen.

GYWNETH PALTROW (gasps): How awful! (she grasps Mark’s arm a little bit harder)

JIMMY FALLON: And so what do you do about it?

MARK: We use a team of trained seals, the Navy guys, not the animals.

Audience laughs. Gwyneth laughs also, and as she does, she moves her arm from Mark’s arm to his knee.

MARK: We use the Navy SEALS to break into these circuses at night and rescue these otters.

JIMMY FALLON: Do you accompany them on these raids?

MARK: Yes I do.

GYWNETH PALTROW: That sounds so dangerous. (Her hand slides up his leg a tiny bit)

JIMMY FALLON: And do you get paid for this?

MARK: No, the joy of setting the otters free and watching them splash around and build their dams is reward enough for me.

JIMMY FALLON: Otters build dams?

MARK: Sure.

JIMMY FALLON: I thought beavers did that.

MARK: Well, unbeknownst to many, beavers are often helped by otters in some of their bigger projects.

JIMMY FALLON: I did not know that.

MARK: The otters are sort of behind the scenes types. They handle a lot of the logistics, movement of materials to the work site. Things like that.

GYWNETH PALTROW: You sure know a lot about otters.

MARK: Yeah, not so much about beavers though.

GYWNETH PALTROW: Perhaps I could teach you.

They share an awkward gaze until Jimmy breaks the silence.

JIMMY FALLON:  Mark, I happen to know that you also play guitar a little bit. Perhaps I could convince you and Gwyneth to do a little duet for us. I just happen to have a guitar right here.

MARK: Oh, no, I couldn’t.


Audience chants “DU-ET! DU-ET! DU-ET!

MARK: Well, OK, I guess. If the audience insists, and if it’s alright with Gywneth, I suppose we otter.

Audience roars with laughter

MARK: See what I did there Jimmy?

JIMMY FALLON: Very funny. You could have a career in comedy. But for now, let’s see if we can’t get your music career launched. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mark Valentine and Gwyneth Paltrow!

Raucous applause as Mark takes the guitar, and then silence as Mark and Gwyneth face each other and begin to sing:

MARK: Darlin' you can count on me
GYWNETH PALTROW: Till the sun dries up the sea
BOTH (in harmony): Until then I'll always be devoted to you
I'll be yours through endless time
I'll adore your charms sublime
Guess by now you know that I'm devoted to you

Gywneth takes the guitar from Mark’s hands, tosses it aside and kisses him passionately.

Just then Mark feels someone shaking his shoulders. It is his wife Maggie. They are at home in bed.

MAGGIE: Wake up, you slept through the alarm. You’re going to be late for work.

MARK: Oh, I was having a dream.

MAGGIE: About what?

MARK: Oh, nothing. Otters, mostly. And the Portuguese.

MAGGIE: Again?

MARK: Yeah, go figure.  How are you feeling? Is your cold gone?

MAGGIE: Yep. I feel fit as a fiddle

MARK: Wonderful.


Some parts of this particular vignette may be fictional, but today's NY Times crossword did, in fact, feature anagrams as clues, and the Chicago Cubs will, in fact, clinch the NL Central tonight! As for my dear wife Maggie, she is alive and well.
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