| Humor Non-Fiction posted September 29, 2015 |
  |
That Haggard Mom
That Day My Son was Famous
by GregoryCody
I just ate scrambled eggs.
Off the floor.
While my son was throwing them at me.
>>>
That's what happens when your kid is famous for a day.
>>>
All social norms go out the window.
He used to say "please" and "thank you" ...
Now, he rings a bell.
>>>
He used to say "mama"... Now he asks for Ashton Kutcher.
They are BFF's, you know.
>>>
Let me take you back to that day...
That day this photo went viral. That one day my son was famous.
>>>
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
My husband and I lazily look over at each other... WHOOO would awake us at 6am on a Saturday? I glance hesitantly at my phone and realize I've missed 20+ text messages and one call from Nana.
I quickly think... This is it. Someone has died.
Was it some horrible tragic accident? or some terminal diagnosis... My mind can't stop, as I run through the checklist of who has fallen to this awful fate. How will I go on with my life... How will I survive... How will I... {you see a pattern here, right? Ummm ok Haggard, way to be a narcissist. Not everything is about YOU. Someone JUST DIED!!}
>>>
I brace myself for the fall out... reaching out to grab my husband's hand.
Text 1: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMFGOMG
Text 2: JAX IS FAMOUS
Text 3: Screen shot of the Reddit post... featuring my son.
Text 4: CONTACT ELLEN NOWWWWWW
The barrage of texts repeat the same message loud and clear.
Jax has gone viral.
I rub my bleary eyes, confused and excited... "Mr. Haggard!! WE ARE GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!!" {again with the narcissism!!}
I run to go wake my son and share in this momentous occasion. As I get to his door, I hear faint excited chattering. A commotion if you will...
As I push open the door, I blink around in surprise.
>>>
Lights flash. Jax poses one of his fat arms to his cheek as a photographer takes quick shots, "Beautiful J. Beautiful". Apparently Jax is going by a different name now, something his publicist coined. I try to be inconspicuous as I whisper like a star struck fan, "Hey Jackie-boy. What is all this?" Jax looks at me, sighs, holds up a finger, and mouths the words, "Gimme five Haggard".
Oh. Embarrassed, but grateful, I slink back into the crowd of photographers, not wanting to impose.
Jax is on the phone with Ellen right now. After numerous calls from her booking agent, she finally decided to call herself. Apparently there is a 3:15p slot open but Jax will not go on after Gerard Depardieu, so he's refusing. I try to tell him that it's not a big deal who goes on first, but at this point he's screaming into the phone, "You think I need you Ellen? I can't walk down the street without being mobbed by infants. I have Pampers and Huggies fighting over me, Ashton Kutcher wants a blurb in his God awful memoirs and now I have Ellen, Ellen of all people, giving me a hard time...".
Jax looks at me with annoyance as he rolls to one side and points at his diaper. I smile and nod, as if to acknowledge that I am unworthy of listening to them talk, and begin to change him. He'll be going on Bill Maher tonight and I don't want him to chafe. I reach for the talcum powder that we specifically order from a village in Peru (apparently the only "natural" powder comes from the crushed sands of Urubamba) and sprinkle some on his bottom.
Jax rolls over. His eyes are so angelic, so innocent, so perfect as he lifts one little hand up towards me. My sweet baby, I think to myself, as I lean in to take his hand in mine.
Something feels off though...
I look down, as he places a twenty dollar bill in my hand... and goes back to his conversation with Ms. Degeneres.
>>>
Ok, ok, ok.
That is just quite enough son.
Here we are four days later.... and the phones are silent. We are recovering from the exhaustion of dodging the paparazzi, and signing autographs. Wow... what a ride that was.
Jax is back to his wonderfully, wicked little antics... and calling me Mama. We have narrowly escaped the clutches of a life filled with stardom and luxury. And for that I am forever grateful.
With a final hoorah and farewell... Jax would like to thank all of his fans.
And Ashton, if you're reading this... You were definitely the highlight of that one day my son was famous.
I just ate scrambled eggs.
Off the floor.
While my son was throwing them at me.
>>>
That's what happens when your kid is famous for a day.
>>>
All social norms go out the window.
He used to say "please" and "thank you" ...
Now, he rings a bell.
>>>
He used to say "mama"... Now he asks for Ashton Kutcher.
They are BFF's, you know.
>>>
Let me take you back to that day...
That day this photo went viral. That one day my son was famous.
>>>
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
My husband and I lazily look over at each other... WHOOO would awake us at 6am on a Saturday? I glance hesitantly at my phone and realize I've missed 20+ text messages and one call from Nana.
I quickly think... This is it. Someone has died.
Was it some horrible tragic accident? or some terminal diagnosis... My mind can't stop, as I run through the checklist of who has fallen to this awful fate. How will I go on with my life... How will I survive... How will I... {you see a pattern here, right? Ummm ok Haggard, way to be a narcissist. Not everything is about YOU. Someone JUST DIED!!}
>>>
I brace myself for the fall out... reaching out to grab my husband's hand.
Text 1: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMFGOMG
Text 2: JAX IS FAMOUS
Text 3: Screen shot of the Reddit post... featuring my son.
Text 4: CONTACT ELLEN NOWWWWWW
The barrage of texts repeat the same message loud and clear.
Jax has gone viral.
I rub my bleary eyes, confused and excited... "Mr. Haggard!! WE ARE GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!!" {again with the narcissism!!}
I run to go wake my son and share in this momentous occasion. As I get to his door, I hear faint excited chattering. A commotion if you will...
As I push open the door, I blink around in surprise.
>>>
Lights flash. Jax poses one of his fat arms to his cheek as a photographer takes quick shots, "Beautiful J. Beautiful". Apparently Jax is going by a different name now, something his publicist coined. I try to be inconspicuous as I whisper like a star struck fan, "Hey Jackie-boy. What is all this?" Jax looks at me, sighs, holds up a finger, and mouths the words, "Gimme five Haggard".
Oh. Embarrassed, but grateful, I slink back into the crowd of photographers, not wanting to impose.
Jax is on the phone with Ellen right now. After numerous calls from her booking agent, she finally decided to call herself. Apparently there is a 3:15p slot open but Jax will not go on after Gerard Depardieu, so he's refusing. I try to tell him that it's not a big deal who goes on first, but at this point he's screaming into the phone, "You think I need you Ellen? I can't walk down the street without being mobbed by infants. I have Pampers and Huggies fighting over me, Ashton Kutcher wants a blurb in his God awful memoirs and now I have Ellen, Ellen of all people, giving me a hard time...".
Jax looks at me with annoyance as he rolls to one side and points at his diaper. I smile and nod, as if to acknowledge that I am unworthy of listening to them talk, and begin to change him. He'll be going on Bill Maher tonight and I don't want him to chafe. I reach for the talcum powder that we specifically order from a village in Peru (apparently the only "natural" powder comes from the crushed sands of Urubamba) and sprinkle some on his bottom.
Jax rolls over. His eyes are so angelic, so innocent, so perfect as he lifts one little hand up towards me. My sweet baby, I think to myself, as I lean in to take his hand in mine.
Something feels off though...
I look down, as he places a twenty dollar bill in my hand... and goes back to his conversation with Ms. Degeneres.
>>>
Ok, ok, ok.
That is just quite enough son.
Here we are four days later.... and the phones are silent. We are recovering from the exhaustion of dodging the paparazzi, and signing autographs. Wow... what a ride that was.
Jax is back to his wonderfully, wicked little antics... and calling me Mama. We have narrowly escaped the clutches of a life filled with stardom and luxury. And for that I am forever grateful.
With a final hoorah and farewell... Jax would like to thank all of his fans.
And Ashton, if you're reading this... You were definitely the highlight of that one day my son was famous.
Off the floor.
While my son was throwing them at me.
>>>
That's what happens when your kid is famous for a day.
>>>
All social norms go out the window.
He used to say "please" and "thank you" ...
Now, he rings a bell.
>>>
He used to say "mama"... Now he asks for Ashton Kutcher.
They are BFF's, you know.
>>>
Let me take you back to that day...
That day this photo went viral. That one day my son was famous.
>>>
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
"Ring, ring... Ring, ring"
My husband and I lazily look over at each other... WHOOO would awake us at 6am on a Saturday? I glance hesitantly at my phone and realize I've missed 20+ text messages and one call from Nana.
I quickly think... This is it. Someone has died.
Was it some horrible tragic accident? or some terminal diagnosis... My mind can't stop, as I run through the checklist of who has fallen to this awful fate. How will I go on with my life... How will I survive... How will I... {you see a pattern here, right? Ummm ok Haggard, way to be a narcissist. Not everything is about YOU. Someone JUST DIED!!}
>>>
I brace myself for the fall out... reaching out to grab my husband's hand.
Text 1: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMFGOMG
Text 2: JAX IS FAMOUS
Text 3: Screen shot of the Reddit post... featuring my son.
Text 4: CONTACT ELLEN NOWWWWWW
The barrage of texts repeat the same message loud and clear.
Jax has gone viral.
I rub my bleary eyes, confused and excited... "Mr. Haggard!! WE ARE GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!!" {again with the narcissism!!}
I run to go wake my son and share in this momentous occasion. As I get to his door, I hear faint excited chattering. A commotion if you will...
As I push open the door, I blink around in surprise.
>>>
Lights flash. Jax poses one of his fat arms to his cheek as a photographer takes quick shots, "Beautiful J. Beautiful". Apparently Jax is going by a different name now, something his publicist coined. I try to be inconspicuous as I whisper like a star struck fan, "Hey Jackie-boy. What is all this?" Jax looks at me, sighs, holds up a finger, and mouths the words, "Gimme five Haggard".
Oh. Embarrassed, but grateful, I slink back into the crowd of photographers, not wanting to impose.
Jax is on the phone with Ellen right now. After numerous calls from her booking agent, she finally decided to call herself. Apparently there is a 3:15p slot open but Jax will not go on after Gerard Depardieu, so he's refusing. I try to tell him that it's not a big deal who goes on first, but at this point he's screaming into the phone, "You think I need you Ellen? I can't walk down the street without being mobbed by infants. I have Pampers and Huggies fighting over me, Ashton Kutcher wants a blurb in his God awful memoirs and now I have Ellen, Ellen of all people, giving me a hard time...".
Jax looks at me with annoyance as he rolls to one side and points at his diaper. I smile and nod, as if to acknowledge that I am unworthy of listening to them talk, and begin to change him. He'll be going on Bill Maher tonight and I don't want him to chafe. I reach for the talcum powder that we specifically order from a village in Peru (apparently the only "natural" powder comes from the crushed sands of Urubamba) and sprinkle some on his bottom.
Jax rolls over. His eyes are so angelic, so innocent, so perfect as he lifts one little hand up towards me. My sweet baby, I think to myself, as I lean in to take his hand in mine.
Something feels off though...
I look down, as he places a twenty dollar bill in my hand... and goes back to his conversation with Ms. Degeneres.
>>>
Ok, ok, ok.
That is just quite enough son.
Here we are four days later.... and the phones are silent. We are recovering from the exhaustion of dodging the paparazzi, and signing autographs. Wow... what a ride that was.
Jax is back to his wonderfully, wicked little antics... and calling me Mama. We have narrowly escaped the clutches of a life filled with stardom and luxury. And for that I am forever grateful.
With a final hoorah and farewell... Jax would like to thank all of his fans.
And Ashton, if you're reading this... You were definitely the highlight of that one day my son was famous.
 Recognized |
|
Co-Written by the very Proud Mr. & Mrs. Haggard
This picture was when he met his Grandfather and his Grandfather's twin lol...
My wife started a blog and asked me to co write this post regarding our son's day of fame!
The blog is subtitled: Thoughts on Life, Love and the Pursuit of Cheap Wine.
Please feel free to check her blog out, she'd be incredibly honored. And remember to say you're a friend of Greg's :)
Her blog is www.ThatHaggardMom.com
Follow her on Instagram @thathaggardmom for blog updates too!
Thank you my amazing Fanstory Family...
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