Thorn in my heart

by Jumbo J

My body parted the smoke-clinging crowd on my way for a refill. I spied you sitting alone, snuggled up tight at the end of the bar in your skin-tight jeans and silken-lacy camisole.

Head tilted forward, straight-blonde-locks cascading down--obscuring your pretty face; hugging a highball of bourbon and coke, surrounded in loneliness; a sealed vacuum of your own air-space.

I made my way down to you, nothing about this looked right. Something tingled my senses to your fading light.

A glistening red kind of empty, glazed your blue eyes; I knew you'd been crying, long-black streaks flowed--invading your alabaster-toned skin.

I was too high from the drugs and the drink; I missed the signals that could have lightened your mind, the thing you needed most ... was my genuine.

Had that blank stare, so sad and alone, hugging your glass like it was your lover; no way to have known what you tried to cover.

Said you had to speak to me with an urgent demeanour; but I had my own agenda, knew you'd moved on and your heart belonged to another.

I lied; I told you I'd be there for you, got distracted and my eyes wandered; pretty girls on my radar had my attention. I walked without knowing what you were withholding. By the time I returned, you had drifted off in a sea of blurring outlines.

I could see your pain through blood-shot eyes, didn't know why; I was just too damn wasted to read the signs.
Got side-tracked in an illusion of high, I was too far gone, failed to see the signals to just be there for you through times of foggy-confines.

Ignored what we'd had with the strongest connection. I thought I had foregone that and you had moved on in different direction; just saw my face as a familiar distraction.

Missed my chance to comfort you when you needed me there, the high had me floating; consumed with myself in my own pumped-up illusionary reflection ... yeah, I was a dope.

I failed you my friend; I got twisted and missed it, brain-dead-wasted; my careless and selfish actions came at a high cost.

Fast-forward time to a couple of weeks. I was set for surgery, from a shoulder too far gone; but that night, replayed in memories, a face and heart so vulnerable ... so lost.

I wanted to phone you or at least come by. Thought your biker-boyfriend wouldn't want me around and to be truthful, I didn't want to get caught up in something not my business or messy going down.

I convinced myself you'd be just fine, you had loving family and friends who stuck by your thick-n'-thin. Knew they'd be there for you, didn't want to cross that finely-drawn line.

So I side-tracked my thoughts and got on with my life, but always had a gnawing in my brain wondering what was so important you had to tell me that night.

No excuses there, I was in the wrong, I should have manned-up, stayed by your side. Should have just stuck to you like glue--been your white-knight.

Close on three months, laid-up in a hospital bed, a friend dropped by and told me what I failed to see. I felt so ashamed, shrivelled and small; all I could do was stare at the walls.

The words he told me tore a chunk from my heart and shredded my guts, a hollowed-out feeling that I never shrugged off.

Everything I thought you had, turned my vision from bad to worse, it spun me around and flipped me over. Caught in the tumble-dryer of my life, I knew there was no do-over, no saving grace, just a moment in time I couldn't replace.

I wished you had just spat it out, so I knew from the start. I would have been there for you, wouldn't have deserted you when you needed me most. There was no last dance, no sliver of a chance, no do-over for this paperback Casanova.

You tried to let me know that the man you loved had extinguished his life; in a frozen moment, stuck a gun in his mouth, squeezed the trigger and that was his end.

Couldn't even imagine the confusion and pain you must have been consumed; but where was I, when you needed a friend?

Reality hit me, I felt like a dog, the tears run freely and my friend headed off. The devil smiled that night as he saw me wallowing in my-self-made grief.

The alcohol and drugs allowed me to miss the chance of a life-time; and that's my belief, to be there as a crutch when our friends are down in extremes and needing relief.

Never again to see your pretty blue eyes, still wondering and never forgot the night I let the signs slide; should have had my head on straight to catch your emotional.

Missed all of the signals that allowed me to cultivate my dysfunctional; I was just too high, twisted, wasted and lost in a world with so much denial.

Nothing can change or alter the past, the moving finger has written and with that can never return, I lost the opportunity and failed to deploy.

Wish I had been the man I am now ... instead of that boy.

Write A Review

Recognized

A very true story of someone I cared deeply for... Kim was my girlfriend when I was sixteen. I had been writing another chapter of 'The Rise and Fall' when the memory of this particular night hit me like it was yesterday... so I took a break from writing the next chapter to compose this some-what lyrical story in a poem. I was seventeen at the time, just three weeks shy of my eighteenth birthday the night I failed my friend. Sorry about the length, but this is the story told the best way I know how.

Thank you Crystal Clear for your beautiful enduring art work, it captured the feeling.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.

Jumbo J has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

A Story in a Poem

Thorn in my heart

by Jumbo J

The FanStory Store For Writers

Your Poem On A Mug