My next dilemma was, do I tell my wife what I just did and risk her going into a full-blown anxiety attack? Or do I just underplay it and see how I fare?

and the story continues...



As I walked through the door, my question was answered with one look at my wife's panicked state.

"Where were you? You said you wouldn't be long, you've been gone almost two hours!" she stood there with half-crazed look, waiting for an answer.

I told her I had a couple of problems, but played it all down and apologized for my delayed return. On the outside I remained calm and measured, but on the inside, a totally different emotion was ruling my mind. I'd always had a good poker-face, and this situation was going to test that to the fullest.

My breathing was labored, and I thought that I might have done some damage to my lungs. My own anxiety level was causing me to start playing a few mind games. I started thinking maybe I'm going to die; what if my throat swells up and closes? What if I stop breathing? Maybe I should go to the hospital. But once again, I regained my composure long enough to calm myself down. I turned on the computer and did some research into the effects of chlorine and hydrochloric acid poisoning. Surely, this would ease my mind?

This information scared me even more than my own imagination. Once exposed to chlorine gas, it reacts with your lungs and generates hydrochloric acid. According to the severity of exposure, there are a myriad of things that could go wrong. The acids are corrosive, and damage the cells in the body, on contact. Swelling of the airways, stroke, internal bleeding, pulmonary edema, (fluid build up in the lungs) and death is a big possibility if exposed for long enough. But what time frame is long enough? They didn't tell me that!

Armed with my new information, and the emergency phone number for poisoning, I decided to wait and see how the night progressed. There was no way I would risk seeing my wife go through another full-blown anxiety attack; the look of pure desperation and terror, that I could do nothing about. No, I would rather never wake up, than to see that look again.

It was like this, if I woke up the next morning, I would be over the worst. Well, at least that's how I was thinking at the time. Now, just to make things a little more complicated, I suffer from a condition called sleep apnea. I have used a CPAP machine (continuous positive airway pressure) for about eight years. It allows my airways to remain open, so I can breathe while I'm asleep.

Yeah, by now, I can hear you saying, 'you've got to be joking, why aren't you in hospital!'

Well, I wasn't thinking that clearly, and had already been through six months of terrifying anxiety and depression with my wife. She would have had to have been hospitalized.

Yeah, I can hear you say, 'at least you would have been together.' But that was never going to be an option, if I could help it.

No, this is the way I was going to play it, and I did wake up in the morning, obviously. The next test, was to go for a swim in the salt water pool and give my lungs a work out, to see how they fared. This was what concerned me the most; had I damaged my lungs?

Everything seemed to be alright. I managed a kilometre swim without any obstructive breathing problems. I'm out of the woods, all I had to wait for was my throat and mouth to heal and I'd be alright!

Four days later, all my strength drained from my body; I thought I had knocked my resistance down and caught a virus or something, that's what it felt like. Every part of my body ached, the pain was relentless. Every injury I had ever sustained, seemed to come back three-fold, just to remind me of the disrespect I had shown for myself.

Again, I didn't want to freak my wife out by having to travel the two hour round trip to see our G.P. But I did E-mail the doctor to let her know I had ingested chlorine and acid fumes, and wasn't doing all that well. But as usual, I under played it. I'm another one of those males who doesn't particularly like going to visit the doctor.

Days had turned into weeks, and different symptoms were revealing themselves daily. There was no hiding the fact, my condition was deteriorating. I swallowed my male pride, and conceded that it was time to seek medical help.

X-rays and blood tests were ordered to check the condition of my lungs and other vital organs. I was referred to an ear, nose and throat specialist. The trouble now was, I was going to have to wait a further eight months before I could get in to see one. Yeah, that's the great medical service we have in regional Australia now.

If I had gone to hospital in the first instance, I would have been checked out by a specialist straight away. Another lesson learned!

The daytime, I could handle, but nights were a real problem. The restrictive feeling that surrounding my neck, coupled with the fear of lying down to go to sleep, was wearing me down. Even with the CPAP machine forcing air into me, my throat would feel as though it was closing over. It would wake me up in a state of panic, and I would just sit in the dark, talking myself down. It took all of my mental strength to stop 'the, what if's'. But I must say, without the CPAP machine pumping air into my lungs, it may have been a different outcome!

My mouth, tongue, palate and throat were continuously buzzing with the numb feeling of being burnt and swollen. I had a constant burnt metal taste in my mouth. My teeth, gums and face ached, it was doing my head in. Everything I ate had to be cold, as the slightest hint of heat would intensify the symptoms I was experiencing. With the amount of yogurt I lived on, it would have been a smart move to have invested in the company.

I suffered in silence, but you can't hide that kind of injury, especially from your spouse. To my surprise, my wife Jade's anxiety and depressive condition lessened, as her need to care for her husband became of a greater importance then her own fears. The patient was now the carer, and she seemed to be stronger than she had been for the longest time.

If anything good came out of this mishap, this was the first one. Seeing my wife strong again, was a bright light in this nightmare that I found myself in. Maybe there is a reason for everything? I would like to think, I sacrificed myself, so that Jade could regain her equilibrium. Yeah, it sounds a bit extreme, but it gives me a bit of peace thinking that.

My whole body was wracked with pain, every joint and muscle ached. My body just seized up. Employment or working anywhere was no longer an option. I had lost eight kilo's in weight. (17lbs 10 oz.) With all the pain, it was like I aged twenty years in a couple of months.

The dark clouds of depression, swirled around my being. I knew the signs well, yet there was nothing I could do about it. Now three-and-a-half months later nothing had changed. Actually, I think it was getting worse, but then came the second thing that turned this mishap into something positive.

My wife turned to me while sitting on the couch, looked deep into my eyes, and said, "you should start writing."

"Write what," I asked?

"You've written a few poems and I know you could write a good story, this will help you to take your mind off things," she said.

I um'ed, and ah'ed, and looked disinterested, but Jade went on-line and typed in writing site. The first site to pop up was Fanstory; Jade got me up out of my own misery and sat me down in front of the screen, and said "Now write!"

The first thing I read, was a poem written by Tammy Gail. It was rather dark in content, but brilliant. I had never read words that touched me like that before. Attached, was a video clip with Sylvia Plath reciting an eerie poem. Everything about it, just sucked me into the story of the poem.

Instantly, I was taken by the energy of this site.

If I did nothing else, I could read and learn new skills. I joined up for a month's trial, but within two days, that was extended to one year's membership. This was the first social media site I'd had ever been on, so everything was very new to me. The only time I had ever used a computer, was for a couple of emails, and to use 'Word' to jot down my thoughts. To say I was slow at typing, or negotiating my way around would be an understatement.

Very soon, I was swept away by the beauty of words. I had never read any poetry before, and didn't even realize what I had written was in itself, poetry. I was like a kid in a candy store. All the different styles, things I could have never imagined. Life was never going to be the same; something had bloomed in my brain. I was in a community that accepted and acknowledged my 'different'.

It's been seventeen months since I poisoned myself, and while I'm over the worst of it, I am still suffering from the effects. If it wasn't for the inspiration and courage shown to me by the writers on this site, and of course the love of my wife, I don't know how I would have fared. I have read so many different brilliant stories of personal achievement, strength and inspiration. All of which have been a great source of self-assessment and personal growth.

One of the writers I connected with early on, was Maureen Napier. Her story and her words transported me. I have traveled far and wide in her thoughts. It was through Maureen's story of personal battles and trials, that gave me the strength and courage to suck it up during the hard times. She had no idea what I was going through. And yet just like providence, her words of wisdom and courage would come into my in-box, just at the right time. They soothed my mind, right when I needed them, just like magic!

And of course, I was humbled by the way a certain lady on this site looked at life, while I grumbled. Every day was a battle for her and, yet she had the brightest outlook on life. How could I not be inspired by Missy98? Sadly, Melissa is no longer with us, but her words and memory will never die.

So many writers on Fanstory have guided, encouraged and supported me in the short time I have been here. To say that I'm grateful to be accepted into this family of writers, would be grossly understated. Fanstory and the community of writers, allowed me to find purpose in a dwindling existence. Who knows how this story might have ended without it? And even though my body might not be doing that well, my mind is expanding to the possibilities, still waiting to be found. Without even writing another word, I am already a winner.

If there was to be a moral to this story, I suppose it would be ... No matter what setbacks we have in life; a positive attitude to your situation, will create a much better outcome.

Being adaptable to change is a valuable lesson.

This story not only demonstrates this, but also shows, there is a silver lining, you just have to be willing to see it.