Satire Non-Fiction posted March 19, 2013

This work has reached the exceptional level
A CV of dysfunctions for males and females


by Marisa3

These days we all have some sort of resume for our professional careers. Something that sets forth in an orderly fashion our various skills and attributes in a particular field of endeavor. This lets a prospective employer know who we are, what we can do and if we are suited to a particular position.

I'm just 'spitballing' (it's in the Urban Dictionary folks) here, but what if we take this a step further and design a customized CV categorizing male and female dysfunctions in juxtaposition to relationships? The only problem with this would be condensing our quirks and ticks down to a reasonable size and not leave out the essence of who we truly are. We would not want to dilute any of our lowly characteristics and thereby misrepresent ourselves to those who would review said document prior to engaging in a relationship with us.

I realize this is a 'whiplash' of a turn from the norm, which is always to put our best foot forward when meeting someone. As Chris Rock says: "When you meet someone for the first time, you are not meeting them, you are meeting their representative." As a rule, we put on our best social persona in the dating arena.

What if, for kicks and giggles, we do the opposite and just lay it all on the line. Present our worst sides and let the games begin. (There would probably be far fewer single people in the world as a result of this exercise in "suicide mating", but it never hurts to shake things up a bit).

Here is an example of what I am talking about:

Male Curriculum Vitae:

Dynamic, results-oriented Male with outstanding background in lack of follow-through. Proven leader in never matching actions to words. Will bullshit you at the drop of a hat and never blink an eye. Could take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors, because of total disengagement with feelings and emotions. Has a penchant for driving females in his life completely crazy with his total indifference. Not given to self-examination.

Key Dysfunctions:
¢ Tuning out the female voice the moment a topic is presented that he does not wish to deal with.
¢ Solid track record in avoiding any sort of major or even minor confrontation with spouse and/or girlfriend.
¢ Excels in making up extraordinary excuses in order to get out of social engagements he detests.
¢ Super at using work as a catchall for avoiding anything that might remotely involve his participation in a functional relationship.
¢ High level of competency when it comes to being self-absorbed and self-deluded.
¢ Devoid of empathy toward female partner's feelings or points of view.
¢ Complete lack of interest in explaining personal actions regardless of consequences.
¢ Adroit at passive/aggressive behavior.
¢ Clever at committing and justifying mental infidelity.
¢ Willing to forgo a relationship at a moment's notice if it involves the need to compromise.

Female Curriculum Vitae:

Highly motivated and creative Female with a proven track record of landing a man as one would reel in a Marlin. Extremely adept at employing a variety of feminine wiles so that a man does not suspect he is being led down a path he would never take on his own. Has the bold, ambitious and worldly character of Lady Macbeth when it comes to exerting power and control over the opposite sex (mostly through appealing to his southern-most regions, aka small brain).

Key Dysfunctions:
¢ Will go to any lengths to get the attention of the male in her life.
¢ Expert at harboring grudges over petty matters.
¢ Adroit at conducting kangaroo court where spouse/partner is automatically guilty with absolutely no recourse of proving himself innocent.
¢ Obsessed with constant need to discuss every aspect of a relationship and its future course.
¢ Incapable of taking responsibility for own actions and must always place blame for same on partner.
¢ Given to extraordinary mood swings
¢ Unusually high and unrealistic expectations of spouse/partner.
¢ Not above using tears to provoke reaction in spouse/partner and/or push his guilt button.
¢ Prone to skepticism and lack of trust.
¢ Given to bouts of "green-eyed monster" aka, jealousy.

Do keep in mind that these CVs are about the darker sides of our male and female psyches. When set out in such a clinical and 'third-party' manner, they truly are ugly and unattractive, to say the least. Not something one would want to present to a prospective partner, unless it is to send him/her screaming into the night.

Now whether you are a Freudian or Jungian (or a Presbyterian), matters of the heart elicit complex feelings and emotions that can and do govern our subconscious. These subterranean recordings, which have been accumulating in our gray matter since childhood, tend to assert themselves when we engage in relationships of the male/female sort. It seems in these types of situations, chemistry takes over, while intellect and common sense are subordinated in order to allow euphoria into the driver's seat. Somehow a serious lack of oxygen to the brain occurs, and that is when good judgment takes a holiday.

It absolutely amazes me that there are so many relationships that have not only managed to survive, but thrive when you think of all the imperfections/baggage each individual brings to these unions. Maybe the secret is not allowing each other's dysfunctions to take control of things, but rather each person being responsible for reining in their own maladjustments for the sake of some sort of harmony in the relationship (even if it takes a whip and a chair to accomplish).

Personally, I see the entire relationship thing as one big giant experiment with absolutely no formulaic basis. It is equivalent to the mad scientist being loosed in the lab where he is running around throwing disparate chemicals together and screaming - "it's alive"!

As they say "you pays your money and you takes your chances." I personally am not at all addicted to gambling, but I do know a few people who would qualify as riverboat gamblers when it comes to constantly engaging in affairs of the heart. While I greatly admire their fortitude in these matters, mine is that of a spectator's interest only. I have a very low tolerance for pain and so avoid it like the plague.

"We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love." - Sigmund Freud

Whatever our collective personality flaws may be, and no matter how disparate the genders, so far they have not come up with a more perfect or superior combination. I think we just have to trust, that whether we came from primordial ooze or dust and a rib, man and woman were meant to be. We are the recipients of life in its highest form and together we make an exceptional team.

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves". - Carl Jung

"A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them: they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world." - Sigmund Freud


Okay, you are seeing firsthand the results of what a serious bout of insomnia looks like. It is the wee hours of the morning when most people in the civilized world are asleep. I feel as if I am the only one on the planet that is still up. Obviously my brain is in freefall and has produced the preceding piece. I would love to say it was drug induced, but alas it was not.

Please do not judge me too harshly for this bit of madness and right brain thinking. I shall now post it and crawl back under the covers. I am certain that once I awake and have my first cup of tea, I will reread this again in the cold light of dawn. I am equally convinced that, if the wind is just right, you will hear me screaming in the four corners of the earth - Jesus, Joseph and Mary, what the hell was I thinking!

Take my advice and pop a couple of Ambien - better to risk devouring an entire pie in your sleep than writing something for public display while in the throes of sleep deprivation. Your hips may hate you in the morning, but at least you will be saved the humiliation of incoherent exposure.
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