Satire Fiction posted February 4, 2013

This work has reached the exceptional level
Professor Higgins strikes out

My Fan Kady

by Deniz22

 Dear FanStory readers and reviewers:

I have decided to go public with this exchange of emails between me, (Deniz22), and her, ( Kcross11)

My Fan Kady
 didn’t make the recent FS prompt which called for writing on the subject of trying to help someone, only to have it blow up in your face.

Too bad, because I would have easily won first place. So I’m posting it anyway. Maybe others can learn from this experience. If it only helps one other writer, it’s STILL NOT WORTH IT!  

 I had to get HER permission to put these on FanStory. Of course, she had to manipulate that little legal window to let her large ego in so she could write “her side of things.” If she acts like herself, be prepared for five pages of whining. The wittier responses below are mine, of course. Deniz22 ( I am a man, btw)
Kady speaks: 

Dear Friends at FanStory, 

Isn't Dennis ridiculous? I could go on and on about the injustices- but I won't! The truth will speak for itself in the following passages. You can decide who is at fault. (We all know it's his large ego. I'm innocent.) 

For those of you who are concerned, I have a pending legal case against him for stealing my work, and defamation. Confused? Read on. His over-bearing nature will soon be obvious to all! Please feel free to tell us in YOUR review who deserved to win that contest between the two of us. Me!? (of course, silly!) or him?
   KCross11 AKA Kady                                          This is copyrighted. 

 It all began when I saw a struggling FanStory writer and tried to encourage her;

#1. Dear Kady! Wow! Where have YOU been hiding? Why haven't I seen your work before? This is a magnificent poem! I cannot find one piece of spag anywhere. Not only that, your delicate, lovely artistry with words enhances rather than obscures this ode to the powerful theme of love.

I'm giving you a six only with the regret that I can give no more. Thank you for gracing FanStory with your presence and your essence writing! I will be checking your portfolio, for sure! Dennis 
#2.Dear Dennis,
I simply don't know what to say! The review you gave my poem, 'My Love is a Purple Fountain' is the nicest review I've EVER had. I was so intrigued that I came by your portfolio to read your story, Gushing Guts and Gore. Look, Dennis, I'm not into horror. I faint at the sight of blood.

But this story was. life. changing. The way you described the zombies eating the faces off the innocent humans really moved me. I just became your fan; can you start writing the next chapter now? I'm not sure I can wait, and I've reserved my last six stars for it- I already know you'll deserve it! Can't wait! -Kady 

#3. Kady, Kady, thank you so much! You make me want to pick up my metaphorical bucket of blood, my severed heads, the chainsaw and pound out my next "heart-stopper". LOL :). Watch for it, PLEASE! It's called The Night I Grew My Fangs  I'm fanning you, you literary treasure, you! I printed out a copy of  My Love Is A Purple Fountain to keep as a bench mark of greatness, an achievement to be striven for by me. I can't believe I've never bumped into your work before, but thanking my lucky stars for finding your writing now! Dennis 

#4.Hey friend Dennis! I'm so glad your genius fingers are busy at work, I'm waiting with bated breath for your new piece! I just posted a short story myself. It's in honor of my favorite author, Stef Mayer. The title is Dusk and it's about vampires. I think it's a fresh, budding market I want to get an early edge on.

I have to say, I'm a little bit flattered that you printed my poem, Love Is A Purple Fountain, but... gosh, I really hate to bring this up... did you notice I copyrighted it? I hate to sound like a stickler, and I know you would NEVER have ill intent being such a superb writer yourself, but I never gave you permission to have it. I'm just concerned... what if someone stole it? Kady

#5. Wow, Kady, I'm so glad I came into your life at this time! I can save you a whole world of pain. Stef Mayer is at the bottom of the food chain in my field of vampires and other horrors. She's in it only for the money and I can see by reading your new piece that you haven't matured enough as a writer (especially in this difficult genre)to have the discernment you need.

I suggest you keep reading my work in order to see how it's done. I know I rated your Dusk six stars, but I believe we more seasoned writers need to encourage the greener types. That's why I gave them to you. I'm a little surprised that you would bring up the copyright thing in relation to Love Is A Purple Passion Fountain.

I love it, don't take me wrong, but having it in front of me (the wall above my computer) every day, I have noticed a couple of "glitches" that really don't work. Nothing to worry about at all. The power of the poem is like a roaring river, that's able to carry along all kinds of debris. 

I won't print out any of your things again and I look forward to your staying in your gentle genre and avoiding the many where you can't really shine. Horror takes a certain touch ... you have to be able to make a bloody chainsaw in action seem reasonable. 
Keep writing! I've got your back! Don't forget to review my latest as that very exercise will help you with your improvement! 

Yer Pal, Dennis 

#6. Oh hey Dennis! Here I am for another friendly review! 

I have to admit, your new short story, You Have My Heart, Daisy Mae, took me by surprise. I never pegged you as a romance writer. After reading your story... I can see why you aren't. But lets look on the bright side! After reading the whole thing (25 pages of love letters is a bit on the long side) I now know how NOT to write. 

Please don't take me wrong, I just found your kissing scene a little bit elementary. You weren't very original when Daisy Mae and Jax stand on the front of a ship for their first kiss. Then he screams, "I'm king of the world!" and Daisy stretches her arm out like a bird pretending to fly.

I may not have all those years and years and YEARS of experience behind me like you do (I'm a fresher face) but I certainly know a good kissing scene. Words like 'saturated' and 'soggy' just don't create romance anymore like they did back in your day. 

I was going to revise Love is a Purple Fountain, (you got the title wrong in the previous email.) But then I logged in and found that was entirely unnecessary. If you want to see it, you can find it in the current #2 spot for poetry on the main page. Since it's been so hard for you to read after finding so much fault with it, I won't ask you to read it again. (I wouldn't want to bore a man with such talents as yours.) But I do have another work I'm going to post later. 
Keep your eyes open for it so you can bestow all the annals of your inspired wisdom upon us poor bottom dwellers. 

#7. Hey there little lady Kady, there seems to be a bit of an edge to some of your remarks today. 
I'm going to overlook them as I know how a little lady can get stressed when she enters a world over her head, where men rule. I'm sticking with you, little lady Kady, and we'll pull you through this tough time when you are being extricated from your "roses are red, violets are blue" poetry comfort zone up to where the big boys play. 

Listen, Daisy stretches her arm out because she only HAS one arm! I can't believe you can be so cruel, so I'm going to attribute it to your practice of skim reading. That's a bad habit, motivated by a lust for points and FS dollars. Put this on your computer area notice board; "Great writers must first be great readers." 

And as for my kissing scene, I want you to know a real kiss involves slobbering, saturating, and a whole lot of sogginess. I am sorry your experience has been limited in this area and imagine that such opportunities are rapidly dwindling for you, so you will have to trust me on this, little lady! 

I am as happy about the award for your writing as I am surprised! It only goes to show you that FanStory people are the greatest! They are full of compassion for the bird with the broken wing that still tries to sing so they give it some shiny prize bling! 

 Dennis        This is copyrighted

#8. Dear Dennis, 

FanStory people are the greatest... most of them. Some of them are ... a little puffed up. 

I would say that I appreciate your comment on my last poem, Blazing Goes the Fire Near The Gas Line.  but I'm not sure I understood it correctly. What did you mean when you said, 'elementary forms with embryonic authors are expected to turn out such duplicitous renditions of an iambic pentameter?'

I'm hoping you're still alive, and you didn't drown yourself in your own verbiage. I know that's a common mistake for you, as I noticed it beginning in your last short story. Remember that reviewer who thought it was an actual works cited list for a medical study? Ha ha! I'm still laughing about it. 

I put out a new piece for you to read. I think you'll find it interesting, considering how you think my relationship 'opportunities are rapidly dwindling.' I'm sure it will clear your confusion up, as it's all based on real life. 

If you'd like to borrow some money for the sad poem you posted entitled,  Woven Rug, I Gave a Shrug,  I could work something out. I never saw it after those two reviews. (Don't feel bad! They may have both given you just 2 stars, but surely they just don't understand a genius like yourself!) 

I, for one, don't like to brag (although I know you think it's a form of artistic expression) but I would like to point out I was nominated as the number two reviewer of the month. It would seem all your friends at FanStory wouldn't agree with you. 
I am a great reader.    Ta-Ta!  Kady 

#9. Dear Dennis the Menace, 

I've been cordial, but I draw the line. You want an edge? I'll give you one now. 

NO ONE calls ME little lady Kady! 

First of all, it's a horrific, terrible rhyme. Is that even an iamb? Talk about immature! Second of all, I won another contest today. It was for my poem,  A Win for the Amateur.' It won on merit alone. Pity has no place amongst the ranks of the great, which is where I now dwell. Without any help from you! I'll remember you in your decrepit age while I'm looking down from the top. 

I can't believe there was a time when I liked your piece, The Wonderfully, Poetically, Beautifully, Deliciously Sweet Overdose of Adverbs: A Study On the Overuse of These Disgusting Words In American Authors. Do you even know how many adverbs you use? Thousands, at least. In one essay! 

And for the record, I wouldn't have to skim read if you'd learn how to condense your short stories from 276 pages to 27! I'm certain Tolstoy wouldn't have the patience to read your work. Oh, and I lied about my review on your latest horror story.  Oklahoma Chainsaw Tea Party: The Early Years.  I thought the plot was cheap, disintegrating and your heroine was dull! Maybe you should start writing for Hollywood, so there will be someone else to make your work better! 

Sincerely, Your Worst Nightmare, Kady 

#10. Hi Kady "Kontrary", 

Yes, I'm still with you, even though you’ve fired off another volley before I got through reading your last missile.  Such touchiness is never found in a mature writer. You must grow or continue to groan, unknown!
Down on the farm, we had a mule that required shoeing from time to time. We were often kicked and bitten as we worked with this jack-ass to make her life more comfortable, as well as useful to others. It was never really worth it however, because she eventually fell over a bank and strangled to death on her own lead rope.

That rope was attached to a mighty, unshakable oak tree that stood in the pasture and often shaded her from the hot sun.  I know I have taken liberties here with gender and species, but  I did it to adapt this true story to our present situation. 

I'm giving you all the rope you need to get the job done. I am the mighty oak who is rooted in the green pasture of literary success. It is I who seek to shelter you from the hot sun of reality which is trying to expose your many faults to a critical world. I explain this clearly because of your proven interpretive weakness when it comes to any but the most basic of metaphors. I know your continuing decade long struggles even now with The Three Little Pigs issue. 

As for your unappreciative attitude for FanStory folk, I must remind you that I am one of them. This alone should cause you to retract that statement as well as several other confused responses. Your combativeness is puzzling! I believe you are going through, what we more mature writers refer to as, “the teen drama queen years”. 

Your struggles for any kind of meaningful literary life have put a strain on your meager talents and nonexistent resources. This stress, so common among those aspiring beyond their limited potential, is showing in your exaggerated claims and wild accusations. . 

The comments you attribute to me are not mine. I would never use "big" words with you! That would be a cruelty far worse than your limited vocabulary has inflicted on you; like giving a plastic banana to a starving monkey. Yes, Google can supply information, but it cannot provide the requisite intelligence and talent to weave facts together in beautiful word creations. 

I can find no validation for your boast of FanStory awards. I suspect the cooking Sherry has recently been radically depleted in your house. I suggest you draw a line on the bottle at the present level of the Sherry (assuming there is any left) and check to see how much you have consumed before posting. 

I am only sorry this will not arrive in time to stop the bleeding you refer to as "posting a new piece." Your vaunted gas line blow up drama had little mystery and zero suspense. After all, what would any reader suspect the outcome might be, when in your opening, your protagonist was searching for a gas leak with a lighted match? 

At the end of your rope, Dennis 

#11. Dennis, 
So sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email. I never meant for five days to pass, but I just completely forgot to respond to such a... ridiculous letter. One would think that with such emails as yours, who needs comedy books?! 

I must admit, I was surprised you never reviewed my piece, The Wit Who Got What Was Coming To Him.  Did you not like the ending? The concept of a bitter man striving through arrogance and conceit to make himself feel like a better author may have been a foreign idea to you, but I assure you, it was based on a reality you are rather comfortable with. 

I also have to appreciate the artistry behind your jackass and oak tree fable, as I'm sure you can appreciate the beautiful sound of a chainsaw. That's all I have to say about that. Sorry to cut this short, but I have other people who are begging for a response from me. I'm sure you have enough looking in the mirror to do to occupy your time. 

Cheers!  Kady 

#12. Kady, dear Kady,
 This could have been wonderful, little lady! You could have used this flame I have cleverly ignited in you for your own good, not directed toward me, but inwardly, on those saccharine chains that hold you in the lollipop stage of poetry. 

I have been striving to bring you to critical mass for your own good. It’s too late now. Your stubborn refusal to take my badly needed advice has cost you the balanced perspective that would cause you to shred all your former insipid, uninspired writings. You could have had a  trained, critical eye to look back on your former works with the disdain shared by so many astute others. 

You would have then bravely abandoned your frail delusionary support system made up of your Mom on a good day, a few friends who owe you money, and the kindness of those who simply don't read well. An occasional two star review does not a literary galaxy make, Kady.

You could have been something, a truly great writer, standing on your own literary feats, while I, your personal Professor Higgins, smiled in the background. You could have been my Eliza; emerged!  Now, you will do little.

Yes, it’s back to the FanStory streets, trying to peddle the wilted flowers of yesterday’s dreams to some newbies  for a star or two … how sad!  
Dennis (AKA Professor Higgins; currently free of guttersnipe clients, and wondering; Why can't a woman be more like a man?)

#13. Dennis:


      Sincerely, Kady 

PS- After this message is delivered, you will be blocked.  PPS-This is copyrighted. 


Hope everyone has as much fun reading this as we did writing it. Sadly, most of Kady's writings now are of a legal nature.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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