Humor Poetry posted October 30, 2011

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Pee holes in the snaw

A wee poem fur 'purrfect tale'.

by alexgardiner

listen to this poem as you read. click the wee wee arrow below next to the wee lude speekir graphic
A kin remember back in ma Scoatish days,
Whin I as a wee boy in the snaw did play.
Ah boy, yea micht jist ask? Aye! Ah wance wis a boy,
an' aw capers an' tricks ah did employ.

We built igloos albeit very small,
then, as bairns we wirnae very tall.
Ah wis born in Auld Reekie toon,
in 1936 oan the furst o' june.

Auld Reekie. Whare is that be?
it's Embra' ah bonny place tae see.
Stull no' ofay wae thay twa names?
it's Edinburgh whare wee played snawie games.

Sledges wee made oot o' widin' crates,
an' slid doon the Cockle Shell wae aw' oor mates.
This wee shell like hill in the then, King's park,
wis covered in snaw at the winter's start.

An' St Margaret's loch whin thick wae ice,
an' aw' wee boys an' lass's, skatin,' wid entice.
Until the auld Parkie wid chase us oaf,
rid faced , splutterin' an' wae an' aufie coaf.

Git oaf tha' blidy thin ice at wance,
it's oanly huddin' yer weight by chance.
Na' na,' na', na' na', Parkie canny catch us,
we cried oot, no' unnerstondin' aw' the fuss.

The same Loch in summer we wid fish fur fun,
the same splutterin' Parkie chased us oan the run.
Back noo tae the winter snawie games,
whare wee bairns that Parkie kid niver tame.

Buildin' Snawmen in the middle o' oor street,
an' dressin' them up tae look a treat.
Makin' slippery slides oan the street's footpath,
whilst ignorin' the dangers an' the auld folks wrath.

Oh we had a rip roarin' time as wee Lads or Lass.
rememberin' aw' those shenanigans o' the past.
I luved the snaw an' the winter time,
cos it covered Auld reekies smoky grime.

Edinburgh is noo a smokeless zone,
an' durty grime is nae langer prone.
An' snaw!! Weel yea kin keep, thanks,
ah wull though, remember aw' those pranks.

Wan wee wee trick I wid like tae mention,
frae the beginnin' it wis ma intention.
We wir wan up oan aw' the lass's games,
we could pee in the snaw an' write oor names.

The Auld Yin.


28227 Santa Looking Over His Shoulder While Writing Merry Christmas In The Snow With His Yellow Pee.jpg

Listen to this poem as you read. Click the wee wee arrow next to the wee lude speekir graphic above the picture of the 'Santa'.

If it does not work you may need to download 'Quick Time Player' from the Internet. it is a free download.
I use the Scottish vernacular in 90% of my poems.

The musical sounds and twists of the Scottish words used famously by 'Robert Burns', gives colour and with a little imagination and patience from the reader, makes for a experience in poetry which differs from the usual.
They say the English language is hard to master. Here all you need as I have mentioned is patience of mind and no preconceived ideas as to what is normal.

I have been told recently my humour is of the bathroom type and very much disliked. However, I won't let the misery of a few others get me down. I do say that humour to me is everyday life and I will never apologize for trying to make people laugh. It costs me nothing so let I be my gift to all who are a wee bit down :)

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

I know that some still cannot get used to the idea of this vernacular. I do apologize, however if I do not use this dialect there would be no point in me writing at all. It is different I know but there is enough beautiful 'English' poems on FanStory that it should not matter. So, as it gives me great deal of pleasure I hope you do not mind me carrying on with this style. Thank you:) :) :): :)

A wee sample o' Scoatish vernacular.

Anither = another
Amber Fluid = Whisky
Amung = among
Beryl = Frustration
Breed = Bread , whin a man an' a wummin get together :(
Birlin' = Turning around and around. Jings ma heids fair birlin' efter those twa wee whiskies.
Bonny Lass = means, gentle, luvin' an' a carin' lass. so called beauty is only skin deep. (Tell that tae Miranda Kerr. Oh! My)
Banshees or Ghouls ,or miseries = Folks that dinny like ma vernacular:)
Bile = boil, could be bile as in sickly sick
Biopsy = a stupid idea
Blidy Nora = Scottish exclamation!!!! Means Blidy Nora!!!
Bum crack = The part that fits into a bicycle seat.
Bum.. Erse as in joak.bottom.sittin' flaps.rear end....posterior
Bahookie = Bum as in erse
Breeth = Breath
Boobs = If yea dinny ken am no gonna tell yea:(
Brammer = Great, fanstastic, best ever
Claes = Clothes
Cawed = called
Ciao = Italian for ' Am gonna bugger oaf noo'.
Courin' = Cowering
Castration = is whin a bloke has tae sit doon tae pee screamin' in a high pitched voice :( ' oh Ma!!! Sum buggers pinced ma He-Haws' :(
Doaktur = Doctor
Een = Eyes
Erection = jings iverybidy kens whit that means:( Is that a gun yea hiv in yer troosers or arrrr' yea jist happy tae see me:)
Echie = Eucalyptus tree
Fekin = Non articulate rude adjective used mainly by big silly buggers
Flair = Floor
Furst = first
Fart =.Fart if quiet
Farrrrt. = Fart loud,you have to role your r r r,s farrrrrrrrt
Fash.. Don't get excited. .dinny fash yersel lassy!
Guile = tae be a wee bit crafty. ( No a didnae find oany change in yer pockets hingin' up yer troos.)
Gawin' = Going
Glaekit = adj. of lesser intelligence, slow on the uptake. Anyone not from Edinburgh
Gramer = Grammar......whit iver that means,, used by The Auld Yin sumtimes whin stoatin' drunk.. Shat yer mooth wummin' am as jober as a Sudge:
Gawp =to stare open-mouthed 'Whit are ye gawpin' at, hen? Never seen a willie afore?'
Hudders = Holders
Humungus = Enormous, larger than a Scottish summer.
Hert = Heart
Hen = woman. Arrrr' yea ben the hoose hen?
Hielan' = Highland
He-Haws = Wee dangly bits. Family jewels.
Hoat = Hot
Heapit = Heaped
Jings = Oh dear!! Oh Bugger! Aw naw!!
Koi = Japanese Carp
Knackered = bawless..(Hey Jimmy it wid freeze the baws oaf a brass monkey.)
Keekers = Eyes
Lude = loud
Matoon = Urban centre in which mahoose is situated;
Mahoose = My House
Mingin' = Smelly.Jings you feet are mingin'
Mullian = million, canny be that hard tae unnerston'
Muckle = very large, blidy big, no blidy wee.( Jings jimmys gote muckle He -Haws!)
Nouse = To know
Oaf = off
Ofay = to know
Parkie = Park keeper or warden
Peep = wee look, Could be , 'whay dae yea think yer peepin' yer horn at ya stupid wally'
Pronoonced = Pronounced
Peekit = Off colour'.pinched face..yea look Peekit hen, are yea a wee bit tired?
Proapur Punkchewation = Proper Punctuation.
Pawky = Shy, introverted, sad face,or sly dry Scottish wit
Roamin' = Roaming = overseas connection for your mobile phone. Or ('Roamin' in the gloamin' wae a lassy by ma side'.
Reek = Smell = Edinburgh used to be called 'Auld Reekie'.
Stoory = Cloth eared folks wae nae imagination
Stoaped = stopped
Sic = such ( sic a tiny wee thingie) Even wee-er whin it's very cold.
Stie = Stay
Scoatish Summer' = Whin the sun cums oot..Furst an' second July.
Scoatish Indian Summer = Whin the sun cums oot mair than three times in a row.
Scoatish Lang summer =A fenominum'In yer dreams Jimmy.
Scunnered = Sick fed up, Scunnered landscape. Barren
Shite =Polite Scottish description, a compliment. Similar to cow dung
Stoor = Dust
Sair = sore
Sleekit = underhanded, sneaky 'Ah wouldnae trust yon sleekit wee bugger wi' the ship's cat'
Scaffie = labourer, sweeper upperer,dugs bidy.
Troos'. =.short shorts worn under the kilt, for the purpose of not scaring the public.
Tatties = Potatoes
Tripe = A taste gift from god. Jings Mary he's eatin' tripe again; 'Oh my god :(
Unnerstondin' = understanding
Watter = Water
Waater = Lots of Water
Waaaaaaater = Muckle ( humungus) lots of water
Willie = From a laddie's thingie. 'Hey, Jeannie! The wind lifted yon sojer's kilt an Ah seen his willie.
Weecalf =Small coo, or anither wurd fur a weeks holiday.
Wee shite = Used by joak as a Scottish endearment to The Auld Yin.
Twaweecalfs = A fortnights holiday.
Wisnae = not wearin' the troos. Muckle willie it wis, tae. Must be frae Edinburgh!'
Wance = Once (Listen carefully I will tell you this only once)
Wheeshed = Be Quiet. ( Hud yer wheeshed or a wull lam yer bum)
Wurd = word
Wad = Would
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