Humor Poetry posted October 22, 2011

This work has reached the exceptional level
Rudie bits so be warned. Bathroom humour?

A tune frae down under.

by alexgardiner

listen to this poem as you read. click the wee wee arrow below next to the wee lude speekir graphic

I wance knew a lad who kid fart "I Believe",
in fower seconds an' in fower different keys.
An' whin this Bonny lad wis dun,
he wid sit doon oan his wee hoat bum.

Am jist kidden,-- aboot the fower different keys,
he did five easy in a blidy breeze.
Then, whin his bum cooled doon,
he played easily the theme frae "Brigadoon".

This wee lad Wis a Scot of course,
wae great music frae ah basic source.
Wan o' the wunders o' this modern age,
sum day kid feature oan ah wurld frunt page.

Noo this wee bonny Scoatish lad hails frae Dundee,
kin also play a tune oan the place frae whare he pees.
He whistles "Annie get yer Gun",
in harmony way quiet fart's frae his musical bum.

Sae versatile wis this Dundonian Lad,
at parties he made muny like mad.
Sumtimes whin he passed roond the hat
his bum wid gei an encore in 'G flat'.

Alas , wan day this Bonny wee gifted lad,
hid an accident which wis sae blidy sad,
He got "Annie get yer Gun" mixed up wae "I believe",
played baith at wance wae a great big heave.

Niver before has this lad cleared a room sae fast,
as his wee miss behavin' erse gave oot sic a blast.
Sae tak a lesson frae this Lad. Niver presuppose,
or like this bonny laddie ye'll soil yer hose.

Per wee soul is noo sae cautious whin he farts,
he maks sure he's near a toot so he kin dart.
An' his wee dangly bit has cut its dash,
oanly does its natural duty an' noo nuthin' rash.

He stull plays tae himsel' but cautiously,
a fart here an' a wee fart there, he likes tae play.
But does this a'ways wae a great big sigh,
playin' "Now is the hour tae say guidbye".

The Auld



Listen to this poem as you read. Click the wee wee arrow next to the wee lude speekir graphic above the picture of the 'Kilty'.

If it does not work you may need to download 'Quick Time Player' from the Internet. it is a free download.
I use the Scottish vernacular in 90% of my poems.

The musical sounds and twists of the Scottish words used famously by 'Robert Burns', gives colour and with a little imagination and patience from the reader, makes for a experience in poetry which differs from the usual.
They say the English language is hard to master. Here all you need as I have mentioned is patience of mind and no preconceived ideas as to what is normal.

I have been told recently my humour is of the bathroom type and very much disliked. However, I won't let the misery of a few others get me down. I do say that humour to me is everyday life and I will never apologize for trying to make people laugh. It costs me nothing so let I be my gift to all who are a wee bit down :)

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

I know that some still cannot get used to the idea of this vernacular. I do apologize, however if I do not use this dialect there would be no point in me writing at all. It is different I know but there is enough beautiful 'English' poems on FanStory that it should not matter. So, as it gives me great deal of pleasure I hope you do not mind me carrying on with this style. Thank you:) :) :): :)

A wee sample o' Scoatish vernacular.

Anither = another
Amber Fluid = Whisky
Amung = among
Beryl = Frustration
Breed = Bread , whin a man an' a wummin get together :(
Birlin' = Turning around and around. Jings ma heids fair birlin' efter those twa wee whiskies.
Bonny Lass = means, gentle, luvin' an' a carin' lass. so called beauty is only skin deep. (Tell that tae Miranda Kerr. Oh! My)
Banshees or Ghouls ,or miseries = Folks that dinny like ma vernacular:)
Bile = boil, could be bile as in sickly sick
Biopsy = a stupid idea
Blidy Nora = Scottish exclamation!!!! Means Blidy Nora!!!
Bum crack = The part that fits into a bicycle seat.
Bum.. Erse as in joak.bottom.sittin' flaps.rear end....posterior
Bahookie = Bum as in erse
Breeth = Breath
Boobs = If yea dinny ken am no gonna tell yea:(
Brammer = Great, fanstastic, best ever
Claes = Clothes
Cawed = called
Ciao = Italian for ' Am gonna bugger oaf noo'.
Courin' = Cowering
Castration = is whin a bloke has tae sit doon tae pee screamin' in a high pitched voice :( ' oh Ma!!! Sum buggers pinced ma He-Haws' :(
Doaktur = Doctor
Een = Eyes
Erection = jings iverybidy kens whit that means:( Is that a gun yea hiv in yer troosers or arrrr' yea jist happy tae see me:)
Echie = Eucalyptus tree
Fekin = Non articulate rude adjective used mainly by big silly buggers
Flair = Floor
Furst = first
Fart =.Fart if quiet
Farrrrt. = Fart loud,you have to role your r r r,s farrrrrrrrt
Fash.. Don't get excited. .dinny fash yersel lassy!
Guile = tae be a wee bit crafty. ( No a didnae find oany change in yer pockets hingin' up yer troos.)
Gawin' = Going
Glaekit = adj. of lesser intelligence, slow on the uptake. Anyone not from Edinburgh
Gramer = Grammar......whit iver that means,, used by The Auld Yin sumtimes whin stoatin' drunk.. Shat yer mooth wummin' am as jober as a Sudge:
Gawp =to stare open-mouthed 'Whit are ye gawpin' at, hen? Never seen a willie afore?'
Hudders = Holders
Humungus = Enormous, larger than a Scottish summer.
Hert = Heart
Hen = woman. Arrrr' yea ben the hoose hen?
Hielan' = Highland
He-Haws = Wee dangly bits. Family jewels.
Hoat = Hot
Heapit = Heaped
Jings = Oh dear!! Oh Bugger! Aw naw!!
Koi = Japanese Carp
Knackered = bawless..(Hey Jimmy it wid freeze the baws oaf a brass monkey.)
Keekers = Eyes
Lude = loud
Matoon = Urban centre in which mahoose is situated;
Mahoose = My House
Mingin' = Smelly.Jings you feet are mingin'
Mullian = million, canny be that hard tae unnerston'
Muckle = very large, blidy big, no blidy wee.( Jings jimmys gote muckle He -Haws!)
Nouse = To know
Oaf = off
Ofay = to know = Au-Fait
Peep = wee look, Could be , 'whay dae yea think yer peepin' yer horn at ya stupid wally'
Pronoonced = Pronounced
Peekit = Off colour'.pinched face..yea look Peekit hen, are yea a wee bit tired?
Proapur Punkchewation = Proper Punctuation.
Pawky = Shy, introverted, sad face,or sly dry Scottish wit
Roamin' = Roaming = overseas connection for your mobile phone. Or ('Roamin' in the gloamin' wae a lassy by ma side'.
Reek = Smell = Edinburgh used to be called 'Auld Reekie'.
Stoory = Cloth eared folks wae nae imagination
Stoaped = stopped
Sic = such ( sic a tiny wee thingie) Even wee-er whin it's very cold.
Stie = Stay
Scoatish Summer' = Whin the sun cums oot..Furst an' second July.
Scoatish Indian Summer = Whin the sun cums oot mair than three times in a row.
Scoatish Lang summer =A fenominum'In yer dreams Jimmy.
Scunnered = Sick fed up, Scunnered landscape. Barren
Shite =Polite Scottish description, a compliment. Similar to cow dung
Stoor = Dust
Sair = sore
Sleekit = underhanded, sneaky 'Ah wouldnae trust yon sleekit wee bugger wi' the ship's cat'
Scaffie = labourer, sweeper upperer,dugs bidy.
Troos'. =.short shorts worn under the kilt, for the purpose of not scaring the public.
Tatties = Potatoes
Tripe = A taste gift from god. Jings Mary he's eatin' tripe again; 'Oh my god :(
Unnerstondin' = understanding
Watter = Water
Waater = Lots of Water
Waaaaaaater = Muckle ( humungus) lots of water
Willie = From a laddie's thingie. 'Hey, Jeannie! The wind lifted yon sojer's kilt an Ah seen his willie.
Weecalf =Small coo, or anither wurd fur a weeks holiday.
Wee shite = Used by joak as a Scottish endearment to The Auld Yin.
Twaweecalfs = A fortnights holiday.
Wisnae = not wearin' the troos. Muckle willie it wis, tae. Must be frae Edinburgh!'
Wance = Once (Listen carefully I will tell you this only once)
Wheeshed = Be Quiet. ( Hud yer wheeshed or a wull lam yer bum)
Wurd = word
Wad = Would
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