| Biographical Non-Fiction posted May 8, 2010 | Chapters: |
...15 16 -17- 
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Beginning Again
A chapter in the book Our Family
Falling With No Where To Go
by Begin Again
Today is a new day ... a chance to begin again, I guess. I thought
I'd lived my life the way God meant it to be. Forgive and forget ... turn
the other cheek ... do unto others as you would want them to do unto
you ... look for the best in someone. Now I've come to the conclusion that I must have been doing it all wrong and I've failed horribly at what I wanted to do the best.
I was never perfect. Matter of fact, if the truth be known, deep inside of me, I never ever thought I was good enough. At an early age, it was engrained in me that you must always succeed, always win, always keep trying and never accept failure. I believe for the most part that I managed to maintain those goals in my professional life. I strived to be the best that I could when I was a secretary, an executive assistant, and finally a business owner. Whether it was my own business or someone else's, I can honestly say I gave 100%, and then some more, in some cases.
The desire to receive recognition and praise for succeeding burned like a fire inside of me, a fire that needed to flourish like the California wildfires, I guess. I never seemed to find that satisfaction that I was looking for from others. Of course, I could tell myself that I had gone well beyond any effort that others would do, and I could see the physical rewards. For some that would probably be enough, but for me I needed more. I wanted, no, needed, to know that others saw a value in what I did. A value that meant more than 'you did a good job, made me look good so keep up the good work' kind of value.
When I started my business, I did it for two reasons. One, I wanted to be able to give my children a better life, give them things I'd never had. Second, I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I could build a successful business from the ground up, proving that I had struggled against all odds, and succeeded. I was thrilled to go the extra mile for customers just so that I could see their pleasure and their appreciation. Success and long hours of hard work gave me the opportunity to give my children all the things they wanted. Even though circumstances, economical as well as personal, have eliminated the business, I believe I accomplished my goals and I am happy.
In my heart, I never thought that motherhood would ever be more
complicated and painful than the business world. In books, pictures,
shows, or anywhere else you look, motherhood is pictured as a warm, loving embrace between mother and child. I should have known from the beginning with my first born that loving a child is far more complicated.
I loved having a child and being able to show how much that little life meant to me and my existence. Little did I know, I would be faced with such a terrifying struggle daily in a few short months of life. Some people gave up on him, others said I should lock him away and move on with my life, even his other parent responded as if the tragedy we faced was only a movie, something you could turn off with the click of a remote. God had given me this little life, slightly damaged, and it was my sole responsibility to nurture him. It was not a short term contract, but a lifetime one. A contract I never questioned or asked why me. When others thought he would be a vegetable, I fought for his survival and taught him to be the best he could. He's proven everyone wrong! Who's to say what perfect is, but he has a heart of gold. At times it's stressing to look at him all grown up and want more for him, but he is who he is and we can not ask more of him than that. He gives unconditional love to everyone. Isn't that what God wanted?
My first born son taught me I was right to turn my back on those who thought his life held little value. In his own way, he has given more to this family than most. He is always there when asked. He works hard for his family when asked and receives little in return. He finds happiness in the small things. How blissfully happy and content is the "unlucky" child.
My second child, a daughter, was a gymnast, a dancer, a musician,
a worker and a protector. Unfortunately, she was probably cheated from a stress free childhood because of her brother. Demands were made on her in early childhood to watch and protect her brother. A job that was demanding for adults let alone a small child. I know I tried to give her that childhood by being her girl scout leader, giving special parties, attending dance classes and musical events. I tried to give her a bountiful life filled with new adventures. I also tried to protect her from the unsavory. In the end, she adopted my need to succeed and prove to the world that she could do it on her own.
Unfortunately, for me, her need to stand on her own, closed the door on me. I'm happy for her outstanding successes, but I'm devastated that I lost a connection between us. I search within me for the answers of where I could have changed things, but I never find them. Giving of myself and all my worldly goods were obviously not enough for this child. She needs to prove her strength and individualism so much that she does not need me. For this child, I shall never hear or feel what I strived so hard to give. Maybe someday she will tell me where our paths parted, but more than likely not. I wonder if she knows or cares how deeply I feel the pain. After all, my goal was to love and be loved by my children. I'm grateful for the Happy Mother's Day text message, but I hoped I meant a little more than that. Just wondering why she didn't see my efforts as a mom ... or why I saw them so differently than her.
The middle child, God's blessing in disguise. A surprise from the start and definitely a devil in angel's clothing. A beautiful smile, a wonderful laugh and a mischievous mind. In the short four years that he blessed my life, he made every moment memorable. He was full of love and life bubbled over in him. He lived life to the fullest, investigating and unknowingly leaving a world of memories behind. Even in his death, he eased my pain and gave me the gift of butterflies...tiny blue butterflies.
My heart breaks for our loss, but his love lives in my heart and when I
close my eyes I see his tiny smile and the world is beautiful again.
The fourth child ... a petite, beautiful, little girl that I hoped to share so much. I believed this little girl would always be close to my heart. She came at a time in my life when I needed to have close connections and I needed to find the warmth and security that love wraps around you. She wasn't as independent as her older sister, probably because of the loss of her brother. She never strayed far from the family bonds and I felt blessed.
The business that I started in order to give my children the niceties of life became another bond for us, in my eyes alone, I guess. I wanted to share my dreams and success with her, but it was not to be. Looking back, I believe she saw my dreams as a prison, not something to share. While I thought I was giving her a foundation to grow on, she thought I was holding her down. For that I am truly and deeply sorry. I loved her so much and wanted to bond together with her. I guess I neglected to see what was staring back at me. I've gone beyond my means to give her and her family whatever they might need. I am proud of her success as a mother. Her "extremist mouth" which she came by naturally from her father often upsets me, but in the end, the overhaul picture makes her a good, loving mom. Her new success after returning to college has been a terrific adventure for her and she has proven that she is stronger than she
thought. Everyday I try to encourage her and take pride in her
successes. With her growth and success though, I believe some how and for some reason, a door has closed on us. The closeness we once shared is no longer there. I'm glad she is flourishing and becoming her own person, but I am saddened for not only my loss but her's as well.
When Mother's Day became about going through the motions without really caring, it was Mother's Day no more. I pray to God that she never feels that loss. Somewhere, somehow I loss that special feeling that was so precious to me. Now I see a cold, methodical hug and eagerness to escape. The detachment and aloofness is more than I can bear.
Does growing up and becoming your own person mean you leave the love for your mother behind? Oh God, I can't believe that was meant to be. I tried to give my love and everything I had to my children, but I must have done something horribly wrong. Love is meant to be shared, not taken without return. I never meant to do anything that would cost me so much. Maybe I was wearing rose colored glasses and lost my way!
Finally, but never the least, my last child, my son ... a gift from God. A gift I cherish beyond words. My baby boy is no baby any more. He's grown into a wonderful young man with a passionate, loving heart. On the surface, I see a caring, understanding, deeply loving person. We have shared his heartbreak and mine together. We've bonded together and strived to produce a written piece of work that shows the emotions of both mother and son. Today, I wonder if I am part of his dark side though. Am I responsible for his hidden feelings? Do I really know the love we share or do I see what I want to see?
He told me I was predictable when I made a comparison of someone else. Maybe I shouldn't feel hurt when someone who gives little seems to receive more, but I do. My goal has been to love and be loved by my children, but I find myself falling short of the most important goal in my life. I do not want to share with my children out of duty and expectations. If I have fallen short of their expectations, I am truly sorry. I never meant to let them down or be less than they expected.
I have a plaque that says the greatest gift of all is family. but it neglected to add the word "loving" family. Without love, every one is just another person in our lives.
I didn't write this to offend or pressure anyone. My tears are for my children as well as myself. Life is far difficult enough without adding to it. If I have failed. I am sorry. My apology can never be as large as the love I have for each and every one of them.
At this moment, I feel empty and alone. I don't write this for your pity because that would be worse than what I have now. I write this in search of answers and new beginnings. Losing my livelihood, something I worked so hard for, was devastating, but losing the love of my children is a bottomless pit.
I guess I lost my rose colored glasses. Were my dreams only fairytales? What can I reap from the seeds I sowed?
Let me wipe my tears away, pick up my pen, and try to write again, turning a life time of emotions into a story or two. With faith and friends, I shall begin again and let my spirit soar.
May I send a Happy Mother's Day wish to every mother.
Where's my pen? contest entry
Today is a new day ... a chance to begin again, I guess. I thought
I'd lived my life the way God meant it to be. Forgive and forget ... turn
the other cheek ... do unto others as you would want them to do unto
you ... look for the best in someone. Now I've come to the conclusion that I must have been doing it all wrong and I've failed horribly at what I wanted to do the best.
I was never perfect. Matter of fact, if the truth be known, deep inside of me, I never ever thought I was good enough. At an early age, it was engrained in me that you must always succeed, always win, always keep trying and never accept failure. I believe for the most part that I managed to maintain those goals in my professional life. I strived to be the best that I could when I was a secretary, an executive assistant, and finally a business owner. Whether it was my own business or someone else's, I can honestly say I gave 100%, and then some more, in some cases.
The desire to receive recognition and praise for succeeding burned like a fire inside of me, a fire that needed to flourish like the California wildfires, I guess. I never seemed to find that satisfaction that I was looking for from others. Of course, I could tell myself that I had gone well beyond any effort that others would do, and I could see the physical rewards. For some that would probably be enough, but for me I needed more. I wanted, no, needed, to know that others saw a value in what I did. A value that meant more than 'you did a good job, made me look good so keep up the good work' kind of value.
When I started my business, I did it for two reasons. One, I wanted to be able to give my children a better life, give them things I'd never had. Second, I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I could build a successful business from the ground up, proving that I had struggled against all odds, and succeeded. I was thrilled to go the extra mile for customers just so that I could see their pleasure and their appreciation. Success and long hours of hard work gave me the opportunity to give my children all the things they wanted. Even though circumstances, economical as well as personal, have eliminated the business, I believe I accomplished my goals and I am happy.
In my heart, I never thought that motherhood would ever be more
complicated and painful than the business world. In books, pictures,
shows, or anywhere else you look, motherhood is pictured as a warm, loving embrace between mother and child. I should have known from the beginning with my first born that loving a child is far more complicated.
I loved having a child and being able to show how much that little life meant to me and my existence. Little did I know, I would be faced with such a terrifying struggle daily in a few short months of life. Some people gave up on him, others said I should lock him away and move on with my life, even his other parent responded as if the tragedy we faced was only a movie, something you could turn off with the click of a remote. God had given me this little life, slightly damaged, and it was my sole responsibility to nurture him. It was not a short term contract, but a lifetime one. A contract I never questioned or asked why me. When others thought he would be a vegetable, I fought for his survival and taught him to be the best he could. He's proven everyone wrong! Who's to say what perfect is, but he has a heart of gold. At times it's stressing to look at him all grown up and want more for him, but he is who he is and we can not ask more of him than that. He gives unconditional love to everyone. Isn't that what God wanted?
My first born son taught me I was right to turn my back on those who thought his life held little value. In his own way, he has given more to this family than most. He is always there when asked. He works hard for his family when asked and receives little in return. He finds happiness in the small things. How blissfully happy and content is the "unlucky" child.
My second child, a daughter, was a gymnast, a dancer, a musician,
a worker and a protector. Unfortunately, she was probably cheated from a stress free childhood because of her brother. Demands were made on her in early childhood to watch and protect her brother. A job that was demanding for adults let alone a small child. I know I tried to give her that childhood by being her girl scout leader, giving special parties, attending dance classes and musical events. I tried to give her a bountiful life filled with new adventures. I also tried to protect her from the unsavory. In the end, she adopted my need to succeed and prove to the world that she could do it on her own.
Unfortunately, for me, her need to stand on her own, closed the door on me. I'm happy for her outstanding successes, but I'm devastated that I lost a connection between us. I search within me for the answers of where I could have changed things, but I never find them. Giving of myself and all my worldly goods were obviously not enough for this child. She needs to prove her strength and individualism so much that she does not need me. For this child, I shall never hear or feel what I strived so hard to give. Maybe someday she will tell me where our paths parted, but more than likely not. I wonder if she knows or cares how deeply I feel the pain. After all, my goal was to love and be loved by my children. I'm grateful for the Happy Mother's Day text message, but I hoped I meant a little more than that. Just wondering why she didn't see my efforts as a mom ... or why I saw them so differently than her.
The middle child, God's blessing in disguise. A surprise from the start and definitely a devil in angel's clothing. A beautiful smile, a wonderful laugh and a mischievous mind. In the short four years that he blessed my life, he made every moment memorable. He was full of love and life bubbled over in him. He lived life to the fullest, investigating and unknowingly leaving a world of memories behind. Even in his death, he eased my pain and gave me the gift of butterflies...tiny blue butterflies.
My heart breaks for our loss, but his love lives in my heart and when I
close my eyes I see his tiny smile and the world is beautiful again.
The fourth child ... a petite, beautiful, little girl that I hoped to share so much. I believed this little girl would always be close to my heart. She came at a time in my life when I needed to have close connections and I needed to find the warmth and security that love wraps around you. She wasn't as independent as her older sister, probably because of the loss of her brother. She never strayed far from the family bonds and I felt blessed.
The business that I started in order to give my children the niceties of life became another bond for us, in my eyes alone, I guess. I wanted to share my dreams and success with her, but it was not to be. Looking back, I believe she saw my dreams as a prison, not something to share. While I thought I was giving her a foundation to grow on, she thought I was holding her down. For that I am truly and deeply sorry. I loved her so much and wanted to bond together with her. I guess I neglected to see what was staring back at me. I've gone beyond my means to give her and her family whatever they might need. I am proud of her success as a mother. Her "extremist mouth" which she came by naturally from her father often upsets me, but in the end, the overhaul picture makes her a good, loving mom. Her new success after returning to college has been a terrific adventure for her and she has proven that she is stronger than she
thought. Everyday I try to encourage her and take pride in her
successes. With her growth and success though, I believe some how and for some reason, a door has closed on us. The closeness we once shared is no longer there. I'm glad she is flourishing and becoming her own person, but I am saddened for not only my loss but her's as well.
When Mother's Day became about going through the motions without really caring, it was Mother's Day no more. I pray to God that she never feels that loss. Somewhere, somehow I loss that special feeling that was so precious to me. Now I see a cold, methodical hug and eagerness to escape. The detachment and aloofness is more than I can bear.
Does growing up and becoming your own person mean you leave the love for your mother behind? Oh God, I can't believe that was meant to be. I tried to give my love and everything I had to my children, but I must have done something horribly wrong. Love is meant to be shared, not taken without return. I never meant to do anything that would cost me so much. Maybe I was wearing rose colored glasses and lost my way!
Finally, but never the least, my last child, my son ... a gift from God. A gift I cherish beyond words. My baby boy is no baby any more. He's grown into a wonderful young man with a passionate, loving heart. On the surface, I see a caring, understanding, deeply loving person. We have shared his heartbreak and mine together. We've bonded together and strived to produce a written piece of work that shows the emotions of both mother and son. Today, I wonder if I am part of his dark side though. Am I responsible for his hidden feelings? Do I really know the love we share or do I see what I want to see?
He told me I was predictable when I made a comparison of someone else. Maybe I shouldn't feel hurt when someone who gives little seems to receive more, but I do. My goal has been to love and be loved by my children, but I find myself falling short of the most important goal in my life. I do not want to share with my children out of duty and expectations. If I have fallen short of their expectations, I am truly sorry. I never meant to let them down or be less than they expected.
I have a plaque that says the greatest gift of all is family. but it neglected to add the word "loving" family. Without love, every one is just another person in our lives.
I didn't write this to offend or pressure anyone. My tears are for my children as well as myself. Life is far difficult enough without adding to it. If I have failed. I am sorry. My apology can never be as large as the love I have for each and every one of them.
At this moment, I feel empty and alone. I don't write this for your pity because that would be worse than what I have now. I write this in search of answers and new beginnings. Losing my livelihood, something I worked so hard for, was devastating, but losing the love of my children is a bottomless pit.
I guess I lost my rose colored glasses. Were my dreams only fairytales? What can I reap from the seeds I sowed?
Let me wipe my tears away, pick up my pen, and try to write again, turning a life time of emotions into a story or two. With faith and friends, I shall begin again and let my spirit soar.
May I send a Happy Mother's Day wish to every mother.
 Recognized |
|
Thank you katbird for the artwork.
I hope that other mothers can understand the thought that was behind this writing. Happy Mothers Day to all.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. I hope that other mothers can understand the thought that was behind this writing. Happy Mothers Day to all.
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