I remember at twenty-eight signing papers for sterilization. I asked with a chuckle, "Are you going to boil me in oil?"

I couldn't get a handle on the true concept. I had four beautiful children. Sterile? Naw. Again at forty I had tubes and overies removed. Even then I didn't feel empty in the sense of being without a part of myself.

Over the span of a pain filled life, I kept things buried for the most part. Starting with the shock of the orphanage. Until I was in my thirties when sodiumpentithal was administered to me at the dentist. A dam broke. I have no idea what I might have said but, I woke sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe.

I have since read in the Bible, "Be careful what you fear, for it will come upon you," tried to confront any important fear. All but the one. Pain. I remember going under gas in childbirth seeing a huge target spinning and a truth revealed. The secret of life is pain. Even in the greatest joy there is a kind of pain it seems. Emotional pain is my fear.

Here I sit now in my late sixties, having succeeded in the most part, of not allowing the monster fear to surface more than superficially. I am now facing something I have no control over. I am paralized in fear.

I have been rather smug in telling all who cared, that I didn't need anyone in my life. Prefering a solitary life at this age. That is true to a great extent. It is only now, that I am suffering monumental losses in my life, that I realize it was/is because I had those I needed already. As always, until the losses, I had no idea, that is what filled me. I had losses before like anyone my age, but somehow I was able to surmount feeling the great pain until now.

Now, there is such a void like nothing before. My beautiful brilliant friend, whom I never met in person, filled so many roles for me in my life. We talked for hours and years late into the night about all of life. Now that she is gone, layers of pain are being uncovered on the grave where I buried all my feelings. I am being swallowed in an abyss, falling in a spin like with the target. So unlike me. I am helpless to stop this spin. The pain in something I can't even accuratly describe and it is relentless.

I can't really say that I am lonely. Alone yes. That is what is eating at me I guess. I have loved ones still. but no one like my friend. I could share anything with her and know she would understand and visa versa. I knew I was not judged, or not loved, because of anything I had done or thought. There is no one now to fill that horrendous void. I don't expect there ever will be again.

I am a tiny bit frightened, well more than a tiny bit in all honesty, because it feels like this is killing me. Literally. I am such a dichotomy. On the one hand the fight to live is so strong in me. I have been a survivor all of my life, untill now. On the other hand, I crave to be with my lost daughter and friend. I know there is some anger at being left. Normal they say. I do envy them their true freedom. Freedom has been the most important thing to me since I first got a taste of it.

This is critical. I am not suicidal. I tried that a few times when I was younger. I thought that was a normal way of dealing with the consuming pain and lack of hope. I know that is a lie now. I am at a loss though, as how to stop the freefall. I so fear falling into the bottom of that grave. The thought makes me want to throw up, but in my core I know I must face it.

Oh, I have faith. Strong faith. It is what has sustained me for so long. I have no truck with religion. That was another cause of great pain in my desire to know truth. For me it is a man made institution. Nothing like what Christ would recommend. I found only suffering in it. No solace or peace. I know God and all the saints are with me, even my Patti and Trish are, but still I fear what I am facing on the human level. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger," they say.

I already have the teeth of a lion and the heart of a dragon. Crying, "Uncle." I don't want anymore.