Yes, I realize the title is a bit off-color, but If you are reading, then it served its purpose.

I had my first colonoscopy yesterday. I'd been stalling for 12 years. Yes, twelve years.

Why? Because I was afraid of the procedure. I was afraid of the pain and humiliation. Who wants a garden hose run up their ass with a video camera on the end?

I'd make an appointment to please my doctor and my family and then I would make an excuse at the last moment to cancel. After twelve years, I ran out of excuses.

I also decided I want to live. I want to continue typing away on my keyboard, writing silly Zee Zee stories. I want to continue to see the sun rise and set. I want to see my grandchildren grow up to borrow money from me for stupid stuff like cars and breast implants. You know --- the important things in life.

I want to outlive my husband so I can pursue a relationship with a sexy man in a foreign country. I want to retire to a life of leisure without having to worry about getting colon cancer. I have not totally dodged the bullet, but I have decreased the odds.

So, I bit the bullet. I made the appointment and forgot about it. When the day rolled around I took two days off from work. The first day is the prep day. I was not allowed any solid food the day before the procedure. This is the most difficult part.

Not eating for twenty-four hours is a bummer. I took a Valium, drank black coffee, Gatorade, and chicken broth. I also had to avoid all blood-thinner type meds for three days.

The prep day also requires a colon cleansing. You have to drink a gallon of lemon flavored liquid in two batches. I will admit it was not pleasant. I figured a way around the misery by using a straw and sucking down the liquid as fast as possible.

The evacuation is painless, no cramping. I do suggest you stay close to a bathroom.

My appointment was for 7:30 am. I was a bit nervous, but not over the top with anxiety. I was going to do this. I want to live.

I was ushered into a dressing room and changed into the most adorable cotton gown and socks. From there, a cute nurse put an IV stint into my arm. I felt a slight prick, and it was over. No pain.

I was then led to the procedure room. My doctor was a nice looking older man. I was pleased he was old. The idea of a young hunk probing my butt only appeals to me if I'm dressed in lace and staring at a sign blinking "Zee Zee's Love Nest." But enough about my personal fantasies.

The doctor explained the procedure and patted my arm. Then he asked me to roll over on my left side.

This is the part where I started to relax. I thought I would be on my knees with my ass in the air. I breathed a sigh of relief.

He administered the anesthesia and I went night-night. I woke up in the recovery room.

Two small benign polyps were removed. No cancer. COOL.

I was home by 10:30.

I hate to admit this, but my butt seems the same. I thought I would walk with a limp for a few days. No pain. No nothing. I did want a cigarette and a promise of a phone call in the morning.

Now I wonder why I waited. What a ninny I have been.

So, if you are stalling getting a colonoscopy for fear of the pain, bite the bullet. It is a piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, I am off to stuff my face with all things delicious.