| Commentary and Philosophy Script posted November 20, 2008 |
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ZeeZee's Vagina goes to a shrink. No pun intended
Depression with a Yeast Infection
by zeezeewriter
Contest Winner
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.
INT: Reception area of noted psychiatrist, Dr. Finkelstein. ZeeZee’s vagina sits in a chair, waiting. A receptionist sits behind a desk, talking on the phone Receptionist hangs-up phone. Receptionist: You can go right in, ehh ... Ms. Muffy. Doctor Finkelstein is waiting. ZeeZee’s vagina enters the psychiatrist office. Doctor stands with back to the door and begins to speak. Doctor: Please lie down on the couch, I’ll be with you in just a moment. Muffy lies down on a leather couch. Doctor turns and looks at her. Doctor: Good morning, Ms. ehh ... Muffy. You are a new patient, I see. May I ask, is Muffy your first or last name? Muffy: Muffy is my only name ... the only one ZeeZee ever calls me by. I’ve been called affectionate names by male admirers, but I’d prefer not to elaborate; if you get my drift. Doctor: Ok, Muffy it is. Can I ask, why you are here today? Muffy: I’m here today because I’m depressed and I need a script for a yeast infection. I thought I might kill two birds with one appointment. Doctor: You do realize, I don’t normally take body-parts as patients. I assume you are a vagina? Muffy: What gave me away, the clitoris or this asshole that keeps following me around? Doctor looks around the office. Muffy smiles. Thats a joke, Dr. Finklestein. Of course I’m a vagina. Got a problem with vaginas? Fucking great, I gotta get a doctor who hates pussy. Doctor: Ahem ... lets begin. When did these feelings manifest themselves? Muffy: The yeast infection, about a week now. The depression started three years ago, when I stopped getting visitors. Up and until then, I was very popular, sought after, even. My days were spent being waxed and kegeled. I was a pampered pussy. At night, adoring young Richards, knocked on my panties to get a glimpse of my glistening lips. Now I look more like mangy cat with a kennel cough. Muffy starts to cry. Muffy: I’m sorry Doctor, I just get so emotional these days. Do you have a tissue? Doctor: Yes, of course. Here’s a box. Muffy: Would you mind ... as you see, I have no hands. Doctor dabs Muffy gently with the Kleenex. Muffy: Thank you, how very kind. And, ... by the way ... you’re hands are lovely, soft and warm. I like that in a man. Doctor: Why, ahhh ... thank you. Muffy: Doctor, may I inquire? Are you gay? Do you like Richard? Doctor: I’m not gay, and, who is Richard? Muffy: I call the male anatomy Richard. I am a proper vagina, in that respect. It sounds so much nicer than saying, “Dick”. Doctor: I suppose ... now back to you and your recent feelings of abandonment. Muffy: I have been abandoned. I have been banished from the orifice list. My ratings have fallen to nothing. I’ve not had a refreshing douche in over a year. Doctor scribbles in a notebook. Muffy: What did you just write down? Doctor: I wrote down the cause of the odor coming from your ... opening. These notations will be important as we continue your treatment. Muffy: Sorry, I tried to scooch over a breath-mint I found on the car seat ... I think it’s stuck in one of my crevices. My labia has gotten so loose, I fear a strong wind will carry me away. Doctor: They do have surgical techniques for that now. Muffy: Tell that to ZeeZee. She’s the one driving this old bus. Muffy leans up to whisper in the doctors ear. Muffy: Doctor, may I confess something to you? Doctor: Why of course, my lips are sealed. Muffy: You have that problem too? Try Lubriderm, it works wonders. Muffy winks. Muffy: Now back to my problems. I’m jealous of ZeeZee’s throat. I always wanted to be a throat. Even in pubescence I dreamed of being a famous singer. But, life is cruel, I got stuck being a love canal for the Richard’s of the world. I’ve spent my entire life being poked, and prodded and spit on. I remember back in the early years, ZeeZee would stick cotton in my mouth for a week at a time. I swear, I still have remnants lurking in my nooks and crannies. Finkelstein checks his watch. Muffy continues: Muffy: I once had an entire person come tearing out of me head first. Talk about pain. It wasn’t enough that I had to expand to the size of the Holland Tunnel. I was then attacked with a knife and sliced open. Doctor: I could see how that might traumatize you. Muffy lies back on the couch. Muffy: And another thing ... I have a reoccurring nightmare. Doctor: Nightmares, now we’re getting somewhere. Please tell me. This could be important. Muffy: Well, it was late one night and ZeeZee’s first husband came home from his bowling banquet, drunk. Things were moving kind of slow. He was pushing his limp Richard at me. Imagine trying to shove a marshmallow through a keyhole and you might get an idea of what it was like. The next thing I know ... false teeth were coming at me. My God! I thought I was going to be eaten alive. My clitoris ducked behind a hood and prayed. His tongue found it’s way into my canal and about the time I thought I might enjoy this new sensation ... he threw up on me. Doctor: I can see how that might have upset you. Muffy: Upset me ... I hacked for a week trying to rid myself of tiny peas and carrots lodged in places I didn't even know existed. It was disgusting. Doctor checks watch. Doctor: Well, Ms, Muffy, I see our time is up for today, but I believe we’ve made some real progress. On your way out, you can schedule an appointment for next week. Muffy: You know Doc, after looking back on my life as a Vagina, I don’t need to come here anymore. I think I may enjoy retirement. I’m going to suggest ZeeZee buy one of those new hand-held, shower massagers. I’ll just layback, pray for water pressure, and live the good life. I deserve it. Now ... about those scripts for valium and Monistat ... THE END.
I wrote this in script style, I hope I have not disqualified myself from the competition by doing so. It felt right. I tried to steal some tips from Frankie and others. Be gentle.... nah.. beat me up. I like it rough. Thanks to Babylonia for giving me this opportunity to enter this contest. She is the best of the best.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. 
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