Humor Script posted April 15, 2024 |
A humorous western script about a clothes encounter
John and Shorty's New Laundress
by CrystieCookie999
Characters John Shane: The Hero, age 20 or older. A John Wayne look-alike, sound-alike who represents justice and all the best Western American virtues, along with his faithful horse, Sterling. He’s taller than Shorty. Shorty: John’s sidekick, age 20 or older. He usually takes the world more literally and is devoted to his horse, Jumper. Miss Alberta Flunkenduncer: Age 16 or older. The niece of Elvira Flunkenduncer, who gave John and Shorty some very bad fruitcakes for Christmas. She started a laundry business in town, close to where John and Shorty live. Setting: Southeast border of the state of Idaho, 1894, after John and Shorty have not quite forgotten the fruitcakes from Elvira.
Action Mood music: Western music. Small house upstage, with a clothes-line strung up between two fence posts or two artificial trees with reinforced bases to hold extra weight, with a hand-lettered sign that says “ALBERTA’S LAUNDRY: SHIRTS 5 CENTS EACH.” MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER is hanging up damp laundry from a wooden bucket, one by one on the clothes line with wooden clothes pins. She wears a full-length apron that covers her long dress from top to bottom hem. Her hair is pulled up, but it looks as if she has been working a while, so several strands of hair have come loose. (Sound of horses neighing and slower hoofbeats. JOHN and SHORTY enter Stage Right. They both look at MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER.) SHORTY (In an eager way, to JOHN.) Hey, John, lookee there. Mayor Perkins said that’s where the new laundry is, run by Alberta Flunkenduncer. You reckon since her aunt Elvira is so bad at baking fruitcakes, that they might be good at washing clothes? After all, their family has to be good at something. JOHN I dunno, Shorty. That might be wash-full thinkin’…that is to say, wishful thinkin.’ (Points to ALBERTA’s sign.) But for five cents a shirt, I guess we could take a risk on a couple of shirts anyway. SHORTY Okay, John. Let’s see if Miss Flunkenduncer will guarantee her work. MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER (Looks up from clothes line to make eye contact with JOHN and SHORTY.) Howdy, and welcome to my laundry. I am Miss Alberta Flunkenduncer. Do you gentlemen need some clothes washed, starched, ironed, and folded? JOHN My name is John Shane, Miss Flunkenduncer. This is Shorty with me. SHORTY May we just call you Alberta? MISS ALBERTA FLUNKENDUNCER (Smiling.) Certainly. (Indicating hand-lettered sign) Besides, it’s on the business sign. JOHN Say, Alberta, we need a few shirts cleaned. I would also like to have the collar starched on the shirt I wear to church each week. Do you charge extra for starchin’ a collar? ALBERTA Nope. Starchin’ is thrown in for free. SHORTY And will you guarantee your work? No missin’ buttons when you are finished launderin’ our clothes? ALBERTA Sure! Clean clothes, no missin’ buttons. When it comes to launderin,’ I have loads of experience with customers…just…like…you! (Sounds a little flirtatious toward SHORTY.) JOHN That fills the bill, Alberta. We’ll be right back. (JOHN and SHORTY exit Stage Right briefly. Sound of boots crunching across rocks. Sound of HORSE HOOFBEATS starts out loud and grows soft. A few seconds of silence pass. HORSE HOOFBEATS sound starts off soft and grows loud. WHINNY or NEIGHING sounds, and then the sound of boots crunching across rocks. JOHN and SHORTY enter Stage Right, carrying three long-sleeved shirts each, wadded-up in their arms. ALBERTA is waiting with an empty laundry bucket and a wooden washboard in it, on the floor by her side.) JOHN (to SHORTY.) Did you bring all your dirty shirts, even the one that you wore last time we had to hide from the Indians? SHORTY Shucks, John, that is my favorite camouflage shirt. It works so well that I couldn’t even find it the last time I looked for it! But I brought the rest. (Holds up armful of wadded-up shirts a few inches higher to show JOHN and the Audience.) JOHN All right, but I won’t be lendin’ you any of my shirts if you come up short, Shorty. SHORTY Don’t worry about it. I have another friend who will lend me anything I want to borrow. He has plenty of clothes. In fact, the other day he bought himself some snake-skin trousers. JOHN Your friend has snake-skin trousers? SHORTY Yep. He sure does. In fact, he tells people he wears ser-PANTS. JOHN (Doubtfully.) Uh-huh. Is that the strangest material any of his clothes are made out of? SHORTY Well…no. He also has some pants made out of paper. JOHN Pants made out of paper? Like ordinary, everyday paper? SHORTY Yep. Only problem is, whenever he wears them, everybody keeps gettin’ his name wrong. They hear him comin’ and point to him and say, “I hear that, Rustle!” JOHN Oh, so his name ain’t Russell. What is his name? SHORTY His name is Jim. Can’t understand why anyone thinks it sounds like Russell. ALBERTA (Exasperated.) Enough of the puns already! Did you bring back your dirty clothes! JOHN Sure did, Miss Alberta. I want the white shirt to have its collar starched. Thank you kindly. (Drops wadded-up shirts in ALBERTA’s laundry basket.) SHORTY Here are my shirts, too! (Drops wadded-up shirts in ALBERTA’s laundry basket.) ALBERTA All right, then, gentlemen, come back tomorrow at three o’clock, and the shirts will be washed, starched, ironed, and folded. Payment in advance, please. (Holds out hand toward JOHN.) JOHN Oh, here’s fifteen cents. (Fishes coins out of pocket in pants, and drops coins in ALBERTA’s hand.) SHORTY Here’s my money, too. (Also fishes coins out of pants pocket, and drops coins in ALBERTA’s hand.) JOHN SHORTY I got a better idea, John! Listen to this. (Interlude music from “Final Jeopardy” TV game show plays. In the meantime, lights down near to fade out, then fade back in for last bars of music.) (ALBERTA has turned around with her laundry bucket and can mime washing the clothes with her back to audience. When she turns around at the end of the interlude music, her bucket is full of highly-starched long-sleeved shirts. The shirts can also be made out of stiff cardboard or have cardboard inserts.) She speaks to JOHN and SHORTY.) Here you go, gentlemen. (Hands shirts one by one to JOHN and same for SHORTY, who both look shocked and then grumpy.) The shirts are clean and all finished! Have a nice day. JOHN (Holds up highly starched, stiff, white shirt.) Say, this shirt has much more than its collar starched! (Sounds irritated.) ALBERTA JOHN (Flips shirt back and forth with no result.) Ugh. These starched shirts are so stiff, they are going to be impossible to break in again, Shorty. SHORTY No kiddin,’ John. (Flips one of his shirts back and forth, with the same outcome.) This reminds me of the time my mama freeze-dried all of our long winter underwear, and my brothers and I had to stand around hittin’ each other over the head with our underwear to get them to soften up. (Rubs head.) I still remember the headaches we had. JOHN Well, this is a different headache. Maybe we can slip these under our saddles on my Sterling and your horse, Jumper, and they will soften up on the ride home. You know, like saddle blankets? SHORTY Yeah, or maybe we can just boil our shirts. JOHN Boil our shirts? SHORTY Sure, John. My mama taught us boiling anything makes it softer! Boiling makes potatoes softer. Boiling makes carrots softer. Boiling even makes turnips softer… JOHN Aw, let’s go home, Shorty. (Starts to exit Stage Right with starched shirts in his arms.) SHORTY All right, John. (Starts to follow behind JOHN with starched shifts in his arms.) Say, John, on the positive side, I thought of another use for those petrified Christmas fruitcakes from Alberta’s aunt Elvira. JOHN What is that? SHORTY We can use them to tenderize our shirts, John! (Mimics holding a brick-shaped fruitcake and pummels one of his starched shirts.) (JOHN groans.) (Lights down.)
Thanks to meg119 for a great photo of an old-fashioned washboard.
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and 2 member cents. Artwork by meg119 at FanArtReview.com |
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